Is It a Good Idea to Flatter a Narcissist?

When you encounter people who seem to be narcissistic, the last thing you may want to do is flatter them. They already think well enough of themselves so they don’t need you to add to the chorus of rave reviews they’ve come to expect from others. But what if you need this person to like you? Perhaps it’s a new boss or the relative of a new relationship partner. Should you go over the top as you try to ingratiate yourself?

Flattery to narcissists may be the fuel that fires their self-inflated ego, but it can also feel insincere. To be true to yourself, you would prefer to keep the ingratiation to a minimum, but if this is what’s going to be most advantageous to you, it may be necessary to set your reservations aside.

Ingratiation and the Narcissist

A study conducted by a team of researchers led by Beijing Jiaotong University’s Shaoxue Wu (2024) addresses this very issue in the context of organizational research. As they note at the outset of their investigation, “Although ingratiation does have some downsides…, most studies have demonstrated its positive effects on interviewers’ evaluations…, employees’ salary increases…, promotability…, and career success….” Not a bad impression management strategy.

That downside occurs when the ingratiation reaches that over-the-top level. The “perpetrator” can make the “target” uncomfortable. An interviewer can disregard this feeling and simply not hire the perpetrator. But if the two of them are already in a relationship, continued fawning by the perpetrator creates embarrassment. Rather than continue to be exposed to this undue flattery, the target may seek ways to avoid the flatterer as much as possible.

The only fly in the ointment of this particular analysis involves narcissism. A highly narcissistic target may feel anything but annoyed by the flatterer and instead seek continued massaging of their ego. As Xu et al. note, “some managers may be unbothered or even thrive when exposed to frequent excessive ingratiation, given the boost to their self-esteem and self-importance.” Knowing your target, then, seems to be the key to making ingratiation work for you.

The Two Types of Ingratiation

The Beijing Jiaotong U. authors note that ingratiation comes in two varieties, adding another component to the equation. In “excessive ingratiation,” you exaggerate your flattery, and the compliments have nothing to do with the situation. In “seamless ingratiation,” your positive words are appropriate to the situation, reserved for when the other person does something praiseworthy. As you can see from this distinction, excessive ingratiation involves deception while seamless is based on honesty.

Here are examples of the two types of ingratiation from the initial instrument development phase of the Xu et al. study. These items are intended to be answered in terms of yourself and how someone you don’t know very well treats you (use a 5-point scale from not at all to strongly):

Excessive Ingratiation

Exaggerate the facts or aspects of me to compliment me

Show excessive concern or interest in my personal life in public

Attribute others' achievements or contributions (i.e., that are not mine) to me in public

Flatter me by using exaggerated body gestures

Overstate my skills, abilities, or qualities to compliment me

Seamless ingratiation

Use positive and appropriate words to compliment me

Show care for my personal life in natural ways so I view him/her as friendly

On appropriate occasions, compliment my qualities

Compliment my skills or abilities in a proper way

Proclaim my achievements or contributions in a suitable manner

These scales indicated which ingratiation strategy managers preferred; in the experimental phase of the study, the research team asked participants to read two scenarios varying in the extent to which a new employee used one of the two strategies. One phrase from the excessive ingratiation scenario was “I hold you in the highest regard. Your leadership is nothing short of exemplary, and it's an absolute privilege to have you leading our team!” In the seamless ingratiation scenario, the scenario included this compliment: “I really respect you. Having a leader like you on our team is wonderful! If I can help you in any way, please just ask and I will do my best!” There is an ever-so-subtle difference, but in the second, the flattery is tied to the manager’s actions on a specific occasion and stops short of claiming the person is “the heart and soul” of the company.

To gauge the effect of being flattered in one of these two ways, participants rated the extent to which they felt the emotions of pride and embarrassment and whether they would avoid such an employee. In the last of the series of studies, the research team measured supervisors’ narcissism with a standard Dark Triad instrument (e.g., “Many group activities seem to be dull without me”).

Narcissism Essential Reads

How Emotional Maturity Is Affected by Narcissistic Parenting

Love and Narcissism?

The methods used by the research team to test the effects of ingratiation strategy and narcissism on reactions by supervisors included both experimental designs and a weekly survey carried out over 10 consecutive weeks. In general, supervisors preferred seamless to excessive ingratiation, stating they would avoid employees who behaved this way toward them. They did respond positively, in terms of pride, to seamless ingratiation. In contrast, supervisors high in narcissism were less bothered by undue flattery and reacted even more positively in terms of pride to seamless ingratiation.

Finding the Right Dose of Ingratiation

The study’s findings led Xu et al. to conclude that: “newcomers should be aware of the use of tact when using ingratiation.” Better to err on the side of seamless ingratiation, although “the more narcissistic the supervisor, the more effective the ingratiation will be.” Before launching into a swirl of high praise (not tied to achievement), see if you can gauge whether you’re making the person embarrassed or not. Even without doing a personality assessment to see how narcissistic your target is, you should be able to pick up on this emotion. It will be even more obvious if the other person tries to get away from you as quickly as possible.

To sum up, making other people cringe inside rather than like you is clearly not a great impression management strategy. Stick to the facts when it comes to flattery, but if you have to exaggerate, make sure you’ve got the right read of your target.