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Key points
- Bullying is a form of behaviour, while narcissism is a personality disorder.
- Narcissists can use forms of bullying to control their victims.
- Not all bullies are narcissists, and not all narcissists are bullies.
Narcissists are people who suffer from Narcissistic Personality Disorder and can be diagnosed according the American Psychiatric Association’s Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, fifth edition text revision (also known as the “DSM-5-TR™” or just “DSM-5®”).
Bullies are people who apply bullying behaviour, which is described by The Anti-Bullying Alliance as ‘the repetitive, intentional hurting of one person or group by another person or group, where the relationship involves an imbalance of power. Bullying can be physical, verbal or psychological. It can happen face-to-face or online.’ Note that in making the below distinctions, these two concepts are broadly contrasted. There is nuance and overlap in behaviors.
What are the differences?
1. The role of an audience
- Bullies need an audience to impress.
Bullying tends to be a group behaviour and generally involves three different roles: initiators (those doing the bullying), targets (those being bullied), and bystanders (those who witness the bullying), as presented by Christina Salmivalli.
- Narcissists operate in secret.
Narcissists are very keen to make a good impression on the outside world. They wear a mask, pretending to be kind, funny and generous. Behind closed doors, where the control activities are taking place, they can safely be themselves and be emotional abusive
2. The process is different
- The process of bullying is logical and chronological.
The victim of a bully will experience aggressive behaviour towards them. This is to ‘trial’ their suitability. If they respond with fear, the bully will be successful with the actual bullying, which is followed by stigmatisation, where the victim is publicly humiliated or disapproved of. This leads to severe trauma, that can last a life-time.
- Narcissistic abuse goes in cycles.
The cycle starts with ‘love bombing’, followed by gradual devaluation, before rejecting and discarding their victim, often with a huge explosion. Then to be followed by the hoovering / reengagement stage where it starts all over again.
3. Roles and perception
- The bully is the baddy.
The role of the bully is clear and easy to recognise, as their behaviour is consistent.
- The narcissist confuses.
The manipulative character of the narcissistic abuse means there is a lot of confusion. One day the narcissist is perfect, the next day they show their mean streaks. Victims often doubt themselves as the ones who are in the wrong as the result of gaslighting and being blamed.
4. Power games
- There is a power balance between bully and victim.
Bullies will always choose someone who is weaker, smaller, less influential.
- Narcissists choose challenges.
A narcissist will choose a target, who can add to their image through wealth, beauty or intelligence. But also a person with empathic qualities, allowing them to be their cruel selves, and being forgiven time and again. Over time the partners, friends, or children will have lost their sense of self and turn into the person the narcissists can dominate easily.
5. Potential for change
- Bullies can learn to change their behaviour.
If bullies change their focus and use their skills to support instead of suppress others, they can be great coaches or thrive in leadership positions. However, they need to be willing and usually need (therapeutic) support during their process of change.
- It is not possible to change Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
Inherent to NPD is lack of empathy and the grandiose conviction that they are ‘always right’. The narcs inability to take responsibility and constantly blame others, prevents them from working on themselves to make changes.
Bullies and narcissists are challenging to handle. If you know what you are dealing with, take steps. Report abuse, discuss a helpful response from your side and never think it is you who is at fault. Especially when you are exposed to narcissistic abuse, it is important to learn more about their traits and how you can protect yourself.
References
Bullying and Harassment in the Workplace: Developments in Theory, Research, and Practice. Edited by Einarsen, S., Hoel, H., Zapf, D., and Cooper, C.L. (2011)
