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Relationships
How to Decide Whether to Cut Someone Out of Your Life
2. Is the connection providing you with anything positive?
Updated June 30, 2023 Reviewed by Davia Sills
Key points
- When experiencing conflict with people, cutting them off can seem like the easiest solution.
- However, many relationships can be salvaged through better communication and setting healthy boundaries.
- It's good to reflect on relationships and how much value they add before deciding they can't be saved.
It’s popular to argue that if you’re in a toxic relationship, it’s best to cut the person out of your life, whether it’s a romantic partner, friend, or even a parent. Social media posts and popular culture narratives often showcase ending relationships as the default response to conflict. These stories also suggest that we can easily replace these relationships with people who love and support us unconditionally.
As a psychologist, I believe there comes a time when removing people from our lives is necessary. However, I also think that establishing healthy boundaries can often prevent us from having to take the drastic step of totally cutting someone off. Sometimes we can salvage the relationship by changing the dynamic. Below are five questions to ask yourself when you’re considering whether to end a relationship.
1. Have you communicated with the person about your concerns?
Sometimes, people do not know their behavior is affecting others. While this can be hard for us to understand, it’s worth at least one attempt to let the person know how their behavior is negatively impacting us. For example, the friend who never listens to us and talks incessantly about themselves. Or the significant other who never wants to work on issues in the relationship. If we don’t say anything, we won’t know for certain whether or not the person is capable of change or motivated to work on the relationship.
2. Is the relationship providing you with anything positive?
All relationships require work from everyone involved, including patience and accepting people’s flaws. But any relationship, regardless of the context, should offer us something positive, too. For instance, in romantic relationships, we should have times of having fun together, enjoying each other‘s company, and being happy together.
If the relationship brings more conflict, negativity, and misery than happiness and enjoyment, it may be time to consider whether it’s viable. A very practical approach to assessing this is to notice how often you feel good when you’re with the person versus how often you feel anxious, sad, or frustrated. If you experience negative emotions around this person most of the time, that’s a sign that you need to reconsider the relationship.
3. Can you create some boundaries that would make it possible to keep the person in your life?
This may be the case with many friends or family members. For example, if someone in your life is constantly texting, calling, or coming over, you could suggest that you have some space and figure out a communication rhythm that works for both of you. For the friend who is constantly giving unsolicited advice, tell them you would like for them to listen, and if you want their advice, you will ask for it. There are ways to navigate communication in our relationships that do not have to result in completely cutting off the person.
4. Has the person been physically or emotionally abusive?
This is the biggest red flag in relationships. Generally, if someone is behaving in ways that are considered abusive, there’s no other choice but to end the relationship. I’ve had clients who have not realized they have been the victim of some type of abuse or that they are being taken advantage of. If you aren’t sure, or if you feel like you spend a lot of time explaining their behavior to yourself or others who are concerned, talk to someone that you trust or to a mental health professional about your situation. While it makes sense to give most friendships and relationships a chance to succeed, there are some that cannot be salvaged.
5. Have you thought about how you will end the relationship?
If it’s not a romantic partnership, it can be much easier to cut ties. If you have mutual friends, however, it can be trickier because you may see the person again. To the extent possible, ending the relationship peacefully is always best. The person may not like being removed from your life, but you can find a way to do it that preserves both your dignity.
Talk with them about what your needs are, whether you have discussed ways to possibly improve your relationship, and if that hasn’t worked, why it’s time to move on. Abruptly cutting things off can do more harm than good, even if you’re incredibly angry and ready to be done with the person. You may regret it later, even if it’s best not to have them in your life. When we have to end any type of relationship, we want the end result to make us feel better and not have lingering guilt, regret, or ongoing frustration over the situation.
Most of this advice is about communication. Good communication is key to the success of any type of relationship. Some people are naturally very good at communicating, while others have more to learn. Even healthy relationships have struggles, but most of the time, you should feel grateful to have that person in your life.
And keep in mind, if you find yourself cutting off lots of people, the issue may not be with those relationships. A mental health professional can help you better understand the role that you play in your relationships.
Facebook/LinkedIn image: Josep Suria/Shutterstock
