Holidays and the Politics of Cruelty

This season, many clients have expressed anxiety and stress over political differences with their families. Anticipating cruel put-downs, aggressive arguments, and insensitive remarks can leave many with a knot in the gut and tightness in the chest. They dread holiday gatherings with expectations of fake happiness and harmony.

Source: Photo by Hannah Busing on Unsplash

I work with a couple I’ll call James and Maddie. This year, they welcomed their first child and yearned to share the joy with their extended families. Unfortunately, James had two young nephews who were not vaccinated against childhood diseases. James’ sister and brother-in-law, influenced by the online anti-vaccination movement, became angry when James and Maddie refused to attend Thanksgiving with their newborn baby boy.

James and Maddie teared up describing long email tirades between their families. James emailed his sister research showing the effectiveness of childhood vaccines in preventing deadly diseases (Talbird, et al., 2022). His sister replied with emails calling them “morons” and “brainwashed.” The angry comments felt mean-spirited and left them feeling robbed of family connections during the first holiday season of their baby’s life.

The Importance of Social Support

A vast body of research shows the relationship between health, well-being, and family support (Thomas, et al., 2017). A strong family acts as a buffer against stress. Those who remain connected to loving family members enjoy better health and happiness (Thoits, 2010). Warm relationships encourage healthy behaviors, adding to family support's physical and psychological benefits (Reczek, et al., 2014).

Positive family connections lower the body's allostatic load (physiological wear and tear). Healthy relationships strengthen both the immune system and cardiovascular system functioning. Whether hostile or loving, our bodies feel the effects of our relationships (Seeman, et al., 2002).

Navigating Family Discord During the Holidays

The heartache of family conflict is felt most harshly during the holidays. The end of every year inspires reflections on family history, childhood traditions, and remembering those we’ve lost. The shorter days and colder weather can bring on a melancholy mood for many. Connection with family can feel both impossible and desperately necessary.

During family conflict, we become hyper-focused on our own point of view. James felt so angry that his sister would not vaccinate her children that he couldn’t see beyond his perspective. James and Maddie decided to stay away to protect their newborn. James blamed his sister for ruining the holidays.

For other families, the choice to attend or host holiday events feels emotionally and physically taxing. Political polarization fractures and hurts family relationships. We sometimes forget that politics is temporary, but family is forever. When our hearts ache in the moment, it can help to take a longer view.

I often ask my clients, “If your family member were injured from a car accident and hospitalized, would you rush to the hospital, or would you stay away because of political differences?” Some people feel so unsafe in their families that even a hospital emergency cannot break an estrangement.

Frustration over differences can sometimes seem crucial, like James and Maddie’s decision to protect their newborn. Yet, over time, those differences can change. It helps to plant seeds of reconciliation.

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James and Maddie told the family they were following their pediatrician's advice. When family members are all vaccinated, it provides a “circle of safety” to protect the newborn infant's fragile immune system. If family members had updated vaccinations, they were welcome to visit. If not, the family would have to wait to see the baby until they and the child were fully vaccinated.

I encouraged James and Maddie to consider their family relationships in the long term. One holiday season without his extended family was not a permanent condition.

Over time, relationships can and do improve. Try these proven suggestions:

• Respect autonomy and treat with dignity: Every family member has the right to make their own decisions. Take responsibility for your own choices and treat others with respect. You can disagree while remaining kind.
• Don’t label and stereotype: Every family member has a compelling reason for their choices. When we label someone an “idiot,” a “lib-tard,” or any other disparaging comment, we distort and diminish their humanity. We don’t like it, so we shouldn’t do it. Besides, negative labels narrow our thinking and fuel more conflict.
• Share something positive and uplifting: Communicate your love and caring. Bring a story, game, delicious food, or funny joke to share if you plan to attend potentially stressful family gatherings. Focus on how you can improve the holidays for yourself and your family. We feel uplifted when we focus on uplifting others (Curry, et al., 2018).
• Don’t “should” yourself: Our suffering is magnified when we focus on how we imagine events “should” unfold. Our expectations fuel our discontent. Instead of dwelling on how we think others should behave, it helps to accept reality on its terms. We cope better when we flexibly adjust to reality instead of dwelling on our rigid expectations of others. Mental flexibility is a sign of mental health (Kashdan, et al., 2010).

James and Maddie agreed that their disappointment about the vaccination issue and the stress of having a first child had magnified their hurt feelings. They recognized their own disrespectful behavior and wanted to make choices that would allow for family healing in the future. James called his sister and apologized for his intense anger and disrespectful language. In turn, his sister apologized for her nastiness and hurtful remarks. They admitted they loved each other, and the relationship mattered.

James and Maddie agreed they would not join the traditional large family gathering this year at his parent's home. I encouraged them to cultivate joyful traditions for their new family. Their mood lightened as they focused on the fun plans they could make together. Home for the holidays meant something different this year. They opened their hearts to the possibility of joy.