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Key points
- Couples can go into crisis from traumatic events, developmental challenges, affairs, shell-shocking fights, or finally reaching a breaking point.
- The danger is that the couple does their best to patch things up but never addresses the underlying problems.
- Crises are opportunities to step back, take stock of the overall relationship, and have honest conversations about each partner's needs.
In my experience, very few couples come to therapy because they are looking to “improve” their marriage or smooth out some wrinkles. Usually, they are in crisis with a small or capital C.
Here are the most common sources of crises, the dangers, and what to do about them:
1. The Big Fight
John and Ellen admit that they often argue, but Saturday night was different. Things were broken; Ellen pushed John; it was ugly and scary for them both–arguing taken to a new level. They call up a bit panicked and want to be seen as soon as possible.
Dangers: They are both shaken, but often it turns out that John and Ellen are not looking to change their overall relationship but calm the waters so they can get back to their emotional baseline. Likely, they will come to therapy, talk about and sort out what happened, and promise to do better, Or they’ll stay at home; time will pass, they're no longer shell-shocked and will fall back to their established patterns.
What to do: Rather than sweeping the incident under the rug, this is a wake-up call. They have an opportunity to build on their anxiety and momentum and finally put some problems to rest and handle their emotions more responsibly.
2. Affairs
Sometimes affairs are the final scene of a longstanding dying or dead relationship. There is understandable anger, outrage, and grief from the wounded partner, but the couple, or at least one of them, isn’t interested in trying to save it: They’re done.
But if they’re not and seek some form of counseling, there is usually tension at the start: the wounded partner is struggling to connect the dots, make sense of what happened, can’t trust, is asking 1000 questions while the other is saying they’re sorry, it was stupid, can we just move on?
Dangers: The offender goes on a short leash–showing their phone, coming home early–is good, doing what the other wants. This works for a few months until the offender gets tired of the micromanaging, not moving on, and begins to rebel.
What to do: Affairs are bad solutions to other problems–sometimes individual ones–depression and anxiety–sometimes relationships, usually both. The couple needs not to replay the past over and over. Instead, they need to deconstruct what happened, find the problems under the problem, and seriously work on these.
3. Fed Up
Ann is fed up with Carly’s drinking or workaholism: Betta is fed up with the lack of affection and sex; Allen is tired of constantly arguing over kids or money or doing the heavy lifting. There is no particular trigger, just a growing sense that it will never change. The conversations are usually ultimatums.
Dangers: Like affairs, the offending partner may step up for a while and then fall back or not. But also, like the affairs, the conversation often isn’t balanced: Ann, Betta, and Allen need to be heard but also do their partners. This is the time for deeper conversations about what each needs to upgrade the relationship.
What to do: Time to come up with some win-win compromises to the presenting problems, but also step back and take stock of the relationship as a whole. What does each need most now? What did it look like if they had their perfect day, week, or year? Time to upgrade the relationship contract.
4. Traumatic Events
Trauma is always in the eyes of the beholder, but here we’re talking about life events that can affect us all–a serious illness or death of a loved one, a sudden job loss, a drug-addicted teen who is bottoming out. This is about moving through and moving forward.
Dangers: One danger is that you don’t take time to grieve but instead just march ahead—this eventually can catch up with you in terms of anger or depression. But living through these situations can also be polarizing for couples: They disagree over how to help the teen, a partner falls into a deep state of grief and can’t seem to come out of it, and it pulls the other down, and they begin to argue or drift apart—the events open cracks in the relationship that was already there.
What to do: This is where the couple, the family, and the individuals need outside support–from family, friends, and professionals. You need to allow yourself to emote and grieve and, as a couple, work together as a team. You need to control what you can control, keep expectations realistic, and do your best to move forward despite how you feel so that you don’t become a victim of your circumstances.
5. Developmental Challenges
Times of transitions. You are adjusting to living together or being married. You are having your first child, and those months of no sleep, moving far away for a job, facing an empty nest, or retiring and starting a new chapter in your life.
Dangers: Like traumas, stress can widen any cracks in the relationship. You don’t plan adequately and so are sidewinded by unexpected challenges. You don’t work together as a team and go into your own silos.
What to do: Plan ahead, again have realistic expectations, make supporting each other a priority, seek outside help if needed, and realize that it will get easier with time.
The underlying messages here are clear: Be proactive rather than reactive, be open rather than closed, get support and outside help, and use the crisis as an opportunity to solve underlying problems.
Facebook image: Prostock-studio/Shutterstock
References
Taibbi, R. (2017). Doing Couple Therapy, 2nd ed. New York: Guilford.
