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Relationships
Return of the Ex: 5 Questions to Help You Decide Next Steps
Sometimes exes circle back. How to decide whether to jump back in.
Posted February 15, 2019
When Lacy and Jeff broke after dating for 3 months, Lacy was a bit surprised: She thought things were going well, she really liked Jeff. But then suddenly one weekend Jeff said that he realized that though he really liked Lacy, he wasn’t quite ready for a serious relationship. Their breakup was “mutual” though Lacy was a bit depressed and struggled to make sense of it all for several weeks.
Now she is back on her feet, but out-of-the-blue she gets a text from Jeff wondering if she is willing to meet him for dinner sometime. She’s understandably a bit conflicted: Jeff’s text simply stirred up that initial sting of their ending; she feels confused about why he was reaching out now; she's still attracted to him, but worried that they will fall back into old patterns and repeat history.
Exes may circle back for a variety of reasons — having second thoughts after an abrupt decision and ending and wanting to give it another try; feeling lonely, looking for sex, looking for some better closure. But what’s most important is: What do you want to do next?
Here are some questions to help you sort through your feelings and decide what next steps to take:
Is it time to run or not run?
If Lacy looks back on her relationship with Jeff and realizes that what she thought was going well at the time was her overlooking big problems — that Jeff was unreliable, or that he had a quick temper, or could be emotionally cutting at times — she needs to keep these reality checks in the forefront of her mind and decide how truly good this relationship was and could be over the long term. She needs to be careful she doesn't get seduced back into the relationship because he is showing interest, because she feels needed, is lonely, or has fantasies that he has changed and seen the light. Obviously, if she has started a relationship with someone else, this may be a no-brainer — the past is behind her, she needs to explore this new relationship and see where it leads.
But if she is not in a relationship or in one that doesn't look promising, and if she is not seeing any red flags from the past that may be deal-breakers, she needs to decide if she is ready to give it another try, or at least find out where Jeff and she are at.
Is this an opportunity to heal old wounds?
Part of Lacy’s confusion at the breakup and now is due to the same problem underlying problem — that Jeff really doesn't explain what is going on in his head: Why did he suddenly have cold feet about ... commitment? Why is he circling back now?
Their meeting provides an opportunity to sort some of this out. Here Lacy needs to come prepared to ask those hard questions about why things ended as they did. What she doesn’t want to hear is some vague answer-"I was just going through a bad time." Instead what she wants to see a Jeff who can be more open and honest about himself. Their ending wasn’t the problem, it was his solution. She wants to know what he thought the underlying problem was that he or they were not addressing as a couple.
This is about deconstructing — unraveling what was not working, understanding how each was feeling, uncovering the moral of the story of the past relationship. What the meeting shouldn't be is an opportunity for Lacy to vent her anger, or for Jeff to merely gloss over the past.
What’s my / our expectations?
Jeff has something clearly in mind — to see if they can start over, be friends in some way, have a sexual relationship, heal the wound. This is a front-burner question and conversation. But Lacy needs to sort this out in her own head proactively: What are her expectations if the relationship were to start again right now?
This is about pacing — how fast or slow is she comfortable moving? How does she see the relationship unfolding in a way that helps her feel safe and in control? What does she need to build trust after this break?
What needs to change this time around?
Lacy is worried about repeating history, that she could too easy to fall back into old patterns. Deciding on the pace that is comfortable for her slows things down and gives her a sense of control. But there is then the question of what needs to change the most? The answer is not that Jeff doesn’t cold feet and run away again, but rather what needs to change most in their everyday concrete behaviors to make the relationship better, more solid?
What elephants in the room were they ignoring? What do they both need to feel safe and be more honest? How do they each want to balance individual vs. couple time? Are their visions of the future the same? What do they need to do differently this time, not only to avoid the same problems, but to make the relationship one that fully represents the needs of each of them?
What are the criteria for success? What are the bottom lines?
This is again something that Lacy wants to think about at the front end. Success may be Jeff being more open and able to let her know what is in his head and what is bothering him. Or it may be that he takes a more initiating role rather than Lacy feeling that she is doing all the heavy lifting. Or that he controls his temper, or simply is more willing to let her meet his friends.
The bottom lines are about …bottom lines: that Jeff blows up and gets emotionally abusive, or he doesn’t step up and initiate, or that he is taking her for granted, or not dedicating enough time couple time. Having these in place can help Lacy not get seduced into the lure of good day / bad day with really no change that fuel her fantasies that she needs to just do something better. Knowing her bottom lines will also help her feel more in charge, clear in her own mind, and hopefully with Jeff, about what she needs most from a relationship rather than merely accepting what she gets.
History doesn’t need to repeat itself, but it requires some clarity about what’s important and being proactive.
Ready for a second chance?
