How to Hear 'Hurt' From Our Partner

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Image by Marc Pascual from Pixabay

One of the greatest skills you can learn for yourself and your partner is how to listen to your partner’s pain in a way that is healing for both of you.

Hearing Hurt

In most marriages, when we hear how we’ve hurt our partner, we feel an immediate need to defend our position. We have to explain why we did what we did. If only they knew our true intentions, then they would understand that I’m really not a bad guy. Or don’t care. Or am forgetful. Or, or, or, fill in the blank. I’m feeling attacked, so I must defend.

There is defensive, and there is defensive. There are people who, no matter what you say to them, instantly their first answer is, “Well, you did that too.” Therefore, I don’t have to own anything. You can’t have any valid criticism because no matter what you say, I can come back and say, “You did that, too.” You’re saying to the other person, “Your needs are a criticism of me, and if I were to meet them now, I would be criticizing myself.”

Owning Responsibility

There is a barrier to taking responsibility for our actions because we feel that if we do so, we would be self-incriminating, and we cannot tolerate the guilt or shame that would come with that.

When our partner comes to us with a need to express a hurt or a feeling, it is natural to initially feel attacked and to feel the impulse to defend yourself. If we truly want to prevent ourselves from cycling and increase vulnerable communication and openness with our spouses, we need to practice impulse control and self-compassion in these moments.

We need to cope with and tolerate the uncomfortable feelings of being on the back foot momentarily so that we can be present for our partner, who is opening up to us in vulnerability and asking to be seen. In turn, they can do the same for us.

An Invitation to Vulnerability

Ultimately, they are coming to us because they believe that we can meet their needs via open discourse. This is good. We want a partner who brings their hurt to us rather than burying it in their garden of resentment, where the roots grow deep and can choke out all the flowers we are trying to plant together.

We need to begin seeing our partner's expression of hurt as an invitation for closeness rather than an incrimination of character.

We call this a skill because this aspect of connection needs to be practiced.

Initially, when we hear our partner say, “You hurt my feelings when you forgot about our date night,” we feel an emotion: hurt, fear, blame, etc. But that’s so quick and understated that we don’t notice it within ourselves. So, instead of acknowledging our own hurt or fear at that moment, we try to remedy the situation by convincing the other person that we weren’t actually wrong in the first place and that we know what they are doing wrong.

How Does This Work Out for You?

What would it look like if, instead, your partner came to you and said: “You hurt my feelings when you forgot about our date night.” And you understand yourself enough to know you felt embarrassed and ashamed. Because you really did forget. Because work has been busy and the time just got away from you. You feel the shame, but because you’ve been practicing self-compassion, you know that embarrassment is allowed and that mistakes don’t make you an awful person or determine your worth. Because of this, you don’t need to defend your position to make the feelings of shame “go away” because they are “intolerable.” You tolerate the feelings of shame as you let self-compassion in. In that, you have space to remember your partner was probably hurt too because, well, he’s telling you he is, so you now additionally have the bandwidth to listen to their bid for connection, and you can respond with remorse, kindness, and care.

Try It

Here is a way you can practice this in your life and relationship.

Slow motion formula "slicing it thin:” Partner says X (you've hurt me). I feel X emotion assembling in my body. X emotion is telling me: “X.” What are my options for responding to both this emotion within me and my partner’s bid?