Building a Successful Intercultural Marriage and Family

Intercultural relationships are increasingly common, especially in “hyperdiverse” Western cultures, where mixed marriage has been steadily rising over the decades. According to the Pew Research Center¹, marriage to someone of a different race or ethnicity went from 3 percent in the late 1960s to 7 percent in the 1980s and, as of 2015, was hitting 17 percent. In metropolitan areas, rates are even higher.

What used to be controversial, even anathema, is now commonplace, at least in progressive Western urban centers. Because the concept of race is misleading, contemporary scholars have moved away from describing mixed marriages as “interracial”, preferring the term “intercultural”.

Despite become more familiar, and providing rich opportunities for exchange and diversification in modern families, intercultural relationships present unique challenges. While some intercultural couples are more likely to stay together than their culturally matched peers, on average intercultural couples have a 10 percent higher divorce or separation rate (41 versus 31 percent). To an extent, survey research shows that durability of intercultural relationships varies depending on which cultures are involved².

Synthesizing Decades of Work on Intercultural Union

Given rising rates of intercultural marriage, and the needs of increasing numbers of mixed ethnicity people ("swirls") born to intercultural parents, understanding the challenges and opportunities encountered in such families is increasingly critical. Researchers Yurtaeva and Charura (2024) conducted a comprehensive review of relevant studies published between 1995 and 2022, analyzing and coding recurring themes to derive four overarching categories. Researchers highlighted that the majority of research was done in Western cultures, and findings should be interpreted and applied with that understanding.

1. Culture-Related Stressors and Their Impact on Relational Functioning

Several elements emerged from the analysis. First, raising children is often complicated in intercultural families, and childbirth can precipitate conflict and questioning of the relationship as couples realize what they are facing. From discipline to sleep and feeding to how to show love and support, key aspects of parenting vary culturally as well as individually. Power balance and gender role are also found to be challenging interculturally. Who pays bills, how decisions are made, who “wears the pants”, and myriad factors that culturally congruent couples may take for granted need to be explicit for intercultural couples, preferably before they come up. When one partner is in the up-position, the other tends to feel stress and may experience anxiety, insecurity, or feelings of failure. Authors note that for some couples, “intimate racism” may impact the minority partner, aggravating already common power dynamics that may be present for cultural reasons.

2. Cultural Differences in the Experience and Expression of Emotions

People have different ways of dealing with emotions, from upbringing, individuality, and cultural background. When partners express emotions differently, whether in the choice of words or use of actions instead of words, or in the way their emotions unfold over time (emotional process), relationship clashes are common. For example, in U.S. culture, according to one of the studies reviewed, people tend to talk about feelings, whereas in Filipino and Chinese culture, actions speak louder than words. Feelings may be implied, and the effort to make them explicit may be an affront or merely unfamiliar.

The very definition of love has cultural dimensions. Another study found that across U.S., Russian, and Lithuanian cultures, passion, selflessness, preoccupation with the other person, and transcendent feelings were part of love; however, only the U.S. participants included friendship in the definition. Being "best friends" with one's spouse is a commonly expressed desire in the U.S.

In the longer term, having divergent expectations could lead to serious problems if one person expects to be lifelong friends and the other is not available in that way. Overall, similarity in how people process feelings is associated with better relationship quality, presenting opportunities for intercultural partners to adjust to each others’ emotional style.

3. Familial and Societal Attitudes towards Intercultural Romantic Relationships

Prior research³ shows that family and community attitudes can influence couples to stay together or break up. Values of marrying within the same culture or religion, for example, can drive couples apart when the pressure is high, forcing partners to choose and sometimes putting their loyalty to the test. Betrayal undermines intimacy when one partner chooses family and culture over the other partner. Along similar lines, couples may be marginalized by the community if one member of the couple is an outsider, leading to alienation and strain within the relationship. Finally, families may blame their son- or daughter-in-law for things they don’t like, for example, if one of the grandchildren is gay, when one side of the family is open and accepting and the other is rejecting.

4. Conveying Love to a Partner in a Different Language

Language, literally and figuratively, can get in the way of overall communication with one’s partner and their family when it comes to day-to-day activity and, especially, in the expression and reception around love and affection. Missteps in protocol as well as lack of awareness of what words to say, how to say them, and when can backfire, leading to miscommunication, which can be hard to unravel.

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Authors note, “Frustration and misunderstandings that emerge from being unable to effectively use lingua franca (shared language) to communicate in the relationship can lead to arguments and reduced relationship satisfaction”. However, at times, using a foreign language may open up opportunities for connection and attunement not possible in one’s native tongue. Beyond that, cultural style around emotions plays a role. One study, for example, reported that in Russian-Israeli couples, the more reserved stance of Russian culture with emotional expression can clash with the more free-wheeling, open style of Israelis. This may lead to conflict but, again, presents opportunities—if managed well—for cross-cultural enrichment.

Bridging and Building Cultural Opportunities

There are many ways to manage and grow as a result of navigating cultural differences. Adopting a learning-oriented, mutually collaborative stance sets the stage for securing greater satisfaction. Intercultural couples benefit from identifying common pitfalls and working through them together before they come up. Discussing parenting approaches to anticipated situations, spelling out financial and role expectations, exploring how to deal with sickness and other crises including marital discord, learning how to mutually express and receive love, and generally knowing how to work within different family and cultural frameworks all are key ingredients.

Finding other intercultural couples to speak with is also useful, as may be working with a culturally-competent couples counselor. It's important to emphasize that it's better to work on potential problems preemptively, rather than waiting until they become entrenched and bolstered by years of resentment and dissatisfaction. Yurtaeva and Charura note that creating a “third culture”, uniquely blending each person’s individual and cultural backgrounds into a coherent, loving family unit, is most desirable. This also lays a firm foundation for children to develop an integrated sense of self within the context of a secure family identity and rich cultural context.