Evolution of the Self

On the paradoxes of personality

Leon F Seltzer Ph.D.

The Internal Blame Game: How You’re at War with Yourself

This post sheds new light on the idea that you’re your own worst enemy, the kind of self-sabotage that, regrettably, so many of us are prone to.

Are We All Narcissists? 14 Criteria to Explore

If you felt insecure as a child—and who hasn’t?—you would have tried in various ways to compensate for these perceived deficits. Some of them probably ended up being narcissistic.

What’s the Ultimate Psychological Paradox?

As adults, we’re given various opportunities to cultivate resources that can greatly reduce the intense vulnerability we felt as children.

Working on Your Relationship? 15 Key Areas to Explore

How laborious is it to work on your relationship? Ask yourself: What might you have to do? Let go of? Look at differently? Forgive, accept, or be more compassionate toward?

What Keeps Couples Together Too Often Keeps Them Apart

What you do to increase feelings of security in a relationship is likely to decrease your chances of being happy in it. Ironically, such safety can be at odds with fulfillment.

3 Reasons Intimacy Might Feel Too Dangerous for You

However unconsciously, any relationship you enter into will make you question how vulnerable you can be. In a romantic liaison, this concern is likely to feel even more critical.

Your Ideal Self Is Your Unadapted Self: 9 Key Attributes

When we exit the womb, we’re innocent. We’re not yet subject to powerful outside influences that inhibit the expression of our natural preferences, needs and desires.

Have You Ever Carried a Torch for Someone?

Ruminating about a past love, or a love neither returned nor perhaps even shared with the beloved, can generate a paradoxical, almost indefinable, excitement.

Feeling Vulnerable? No Problem—Just Get Angry

If there’s an instant “fix” for feeling sad, anxious, or otherwise vulnerable, nothing fits the bill like anger.

Are You a Cynical Idealist?

Independent of how much we’re able to live up to the principles we espouse, the position of unfettered cynicism is no more warranted than a pure, unmitigated idealism.

How to Overcome Dental Anxiety

How do you feel when scheduling a dental appointment? Or when you walk into the office with its aseptic smell and din of the drill? Or when latex-clad hands reach into your mouth?

How Is Your Anger Best Seen as Retaliation?

Basically, all the perceived affronts that make you mad start, unconsciously, with your self-image taking a hit—reviving the ancient, overblown fear that you’re not good enough.

Should You Purposely Test Another’s Limits?

Not testing how far you can go with someone — particularly your spouse — for fear of their reacting negatively seriously hampers a relationship from reaching its potential.

Can You Create a New Reality by Reinterpreting the Old One?

The saying “keep an open mind” suggests the value of not clinging to old assumptions and beliefs. If your life lacks adventure, satisfaction, or fulfillment, here’s what to do.

Does Bickering Pretty Much Define Your Relationship?

This title might seem to smack of hyperbole. But as a therapist I’ve seen this dismal pattern of contentiousness all too often. So how do couples "achieve" such unending friction?

How Vulnerable Should You Let Yourself Be?

The impulse, self-protectively, to ward off whatever feels threatening is only natural. But you also have to consider the costs of such cautiousness.

Would You Rather Be Heard, or Be Right?

When you’re really frustrated with someone (for whatever reason), you need to say something. But what? And how do you say it? And what if you remain silent?

Why Empathy Is the Golden Rule of Couples Communication

It's only logical that to get your partner to hear you the way you want, you first need to emotionally connect with them. Yet that’s almost never what happens.

Male Sexual Misconduct and the Testosterone Curse

In assessing present-day perpetrators, it's important to consider testosterone—the "ethics-free" chemical of desire—as being the organic culprit of their objectification of women.

How to Neutralize Your Partner’s Defenses

Unlike courtship, once couples enter into a presumably lasting commitment, they both—however unconsciously—focus more on what they never really liked about each other.

The Catch-22 of Dealing With a Narcissist

Most pathological narcissists suffer from marked deficits in self-image. But their wildly overcompensating sense of superiority and entitlement can cause others to suffer, too.

Couples: Do You Argue About “A” When the Real Issue is “B”?

When couples enter therapy to work on what they see as their main difficulty, there's generally a more fundamental, underlying problem not yet recognized by them.

Did You Get the Parental Guidance You Needed Growing Up?

As a child, did you frequently feel behind the curve—or eight-ball? If so, what was that like for you? And why do you think it was such a struggle for you to blend in with others?

Do You Have an Inner Taskmaster? How Can You Tell?

Having an inner taskmaster is a mixed blessing. It can offer you various advantages. But it can also be an oppressive force, keeping you from experiencing many of life’s joys.

How Is Rewriting History the Goal of All Therapy?

It’s common to talk about what therapy can do for you. But before therapy is able to eliminate disturbing personal and relational problems, it needs first to undo what caused them.

“Never Again!” The Psychological Fallout of Trauma

You're born with various survival programs (or defenses). Later, when you actually experience a serious threat, you acquire more defenses that can end up harming you.

15 Reasons to Be Wary About Falling in Love

No matter how it turned out, most people would agree that falling in love was the most euphoric, even ecstatic, experience of their life.

Human Perversity: Guess What? It’s Normal

Though it might be difficult to admit, there are times when we’ve all acted in ways hurtful to ourselves. And for multiple reasons.

It’s Not Really About Control: Tips for Frustrated Couples

It happens routinely. So often, when I begin counseling with a couple, not one but both parties complain that the other is trying to control them. But just how accurate is this?

Covering Up Negative Emotions Doesn’t Work. So What Does?

Common wisdom advises you to avoid, or try to let go of, upsetting feelings. However—and like a lot of self-help advice—such straightforward guidance too often won't work.

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