Leon F Seltzer Ph.D.

Fear-Inspired Sex: A Woman's Ultimate Defense--or Weapon?

A woman's sexual feelings can be sparked by anxiety.

Posted Sep 02, 2011

Having worked with couples for over 30 years, I've often observed a phenomenon that goes against just about everything therapists have to say about women and sex. And what ‘s that? Perhaps Billy Crystal said it best when he proclaimed that women require a reason to have sex--whereas men, well, they just need a place.

And this humorist almost certainly meant--as do therapists typically when they discuss this fundamental gender discrepancy--that in general women desire sex when they wish to physically confirm their emotional connection to their partner. Men, on the other hand, are far more likely to want sex simply on the basis of testosterone levels, which routinely define the strength of their libido (though to be fair, a male's sexual interest, particularly as he ages, can also reflect his need to re-establish an emotional connection experienced as lacking).

But returning to the notion that women need a reason to have sex, and that for them sex usually involves far more than acting out libidinous urges, what are the other reasons for them to desire sex beyond physically expressing feelings of emotional closeness? Based on my own clinical experience, I can think of many. But the rationale I'd like to focus on here is one that's rarely alluded to in the literature: namely, a woman's wanting sex--and at times desperately so--out of fear that her partner may be on the verge of leaving her. That is, she may actively pursue her spouse sexually to help deal with powerful feelings of anxiety, stemming from her intuition or knowledge that her relationship is in jeopardy--fragile, teetering, or on the brink of collapse.

The woman's apprehension about a possible break-up may derive from her partner's broadly hinting that he wants out of the relationship or, in fact, from his directly informing her of his intentions to move out and file for divorce. Or it's possible she might suspect that he's having an affair; or (because of the vast emotional distance separating them) that he's actually fallen in love with someone else and, on that account, secretly planning to desert her. In a panic about it all--especially if she still feels devoted to him, or there are children involved and she's frantic to keep the family together at all costs--she may be desperate to initiate sex to feel less helpless, as well as to exert some control over (and hopefully alter) her husband's errant, non-loving behavior toward her.

I call such sexual desire "fear-inspired": a perhaps unprecedented drive toward physical intimacy rife with contradiction and paradox, yet at the same time accurately mirroring the mixed emotions she's experiencing in a situation felt to be gravely threatening and precarious. As a consequence of her distress, or anguish, she's strongly impelled to prompt a heated sexual encounter whereas previously she may have shown ambivalence, apathy, or even a marked antipathy toward making love with her partner. Withdrawn and quite possibly sexually shut down, in the bedroom she may take on the role of "aggressor"--or, probably a better term, "seductress."

It all makes perfect sense. If the woman has been told, or at least senses, that her spouse is giving up on the relationship--or is emotionally or sexually involved with another woman--alarm bells can immediately start bellowing inside her head. Up to this point, and for any number of reasons, she may have lost almost all sexual interest in him. Maybe because of numerous unresolved arguments, misunderstandings, and resentments. Or because of not feeling sufficiently cared about by him. Or because he's become so preoccupied with work that he barely seems to notice her anymore. Or maybe it's because she's become so absorbed--probably with her children. And so on, and so on.

Nonetheless, she may still assign a high value to the relationship--or just to staying married. At the very least, she may simply not be psychologically prepared for the emotional chaos so characteristic of separation and divorce. Whether jealous or not, if only to protect her vulnerability, she may be willing to try almost anything to escape the painful sting of rejection.

There's an old country western ballad called "The Other Woman" that covers--albeit simplistically--something of the psychological dynamic of this not uncommon phenomenon. Here, excerpted, are a few of the lyrics:

The other woman is in for the fight of her life
I've loved him too much and too long, to have him taken away . . .
I'm going to bury the hurt, gonna get down to work
Roll up my sleeves and be what he needs--a lover at night
Oh and not just a wife, you bet your life, I'm gonna keep him.

Note the tremendous will and determination in this female persona to change her ways in the face of what she can't help but view as imminent calamity.

Ironically, the sex that can emerge from the considerable trepidation and anxiety I've been describing can be unusually passionate. Though I've already characterized such sex as "fear-inspired," the very intensity of this fear can transform itself into substantially heightened sexual arousal--such that the end result of lovemaking can be electrically charged (what noted sex therapist, David Schnarch, actually refers to as "wall socket sex"!). It's as though, ironically, the woman's pronounced fear of abandonment renders her capable of having more abandoned sex than she may have been capable of before.

As regards the subtitle of this piece, "A Woman's Ultimate Defense--or Weapon?", it should now be apparent that experiencing the threat of a permanent break-up, the woman's reactively intense desire for sex deserves to be seen as both "ultimate defense and weapon." Obviously, her intention in being as enticingly sexual as possible is to defend her all-important union--to protect it from further deterioration and, hopefully, to breathe new (and impassioned) life into it. But her freshly instated (or re-instated) sexuality is also about exerting maximum influence over her partner's deliberations as to whether or not to stay with her. So "rolling up her sleeves" and being what (at least she thinks) he needs, enables her to employ what might be her ultimate weapon: the feminine allure that may have led to his decision to commit to her in the first place.

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26 Comments

Yes!

Submitted by Kelly Cash on September 2, 2011 - 1:27pm

My deja vu recalls Dolly Parton's "Jolene" lyrics.

Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene
Im begging of you please don't take my man
Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene
Please don't take him just because you can
Your beauty is beyond compare
With flaming locks of auburn hair
With ivory skin and eyes of emerald green
Your smile is like a breath of spring
Your voice is soft like summer rain
And I cannot compete with you, jolene

He talks about you in his sleep
There's nothing I can do to keep
From crying when he calls your name, jolene

And I can easily understand
How you could easily take my man
But you don't know what he means to me, jolene

Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene
Im begging of you please don't take my man
Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene
Please don't take him just because you can

You could have your choice of men
But I could never love again
He's the only one for me, Jolene

I had to have this talk with you
My happiness depends on you
And whatever you decide to do, jolene

Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene
Im begging of you please don't take my man
Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene
Please don't take him even though you can
Jolene, Jolene

Evolution of Sex

Submitted by Dr. Lorri Greene on September 2, 2011 - 2:00pm

Dear Psychology Today and Dr. Seltzer:
To categorize men and women in the way Dr. Seltzer has done in this article, appears, at least to this reader, to take us back to the "dark ages" when this stereotype may have fit. The "femme fatale" era, as portrayed by famous actresses, such as Lauren Bacall, does not fit as well in a generation of women post birth control and needing to "have a man". In this world, most women can fend for themselves, and many make as much money, if not more. This money allows them to be on their own, without assistance from a man. Therefore, having sex out of a need to keep your man is an outdated concept, in this psychologist's opinion. It is also insulting men. To believe that your spouse is having sex with you because she is afraid you will leave, doesn't seem all that romantic or exciting. However, if it is true that men just care about sex, and nothing else in the relationship, then I guess it fits. Personally, I know many men who truly love being in the relationship with their partner and sex and making love are one in the same.
As a practicing psychologist for 25 years, I have seen many couples where the woman was to "breadwinner". If Dr. Seltzer is correct, are men having sex with these women out of a need to stay with them? Sorry, but I don't buy the argument.

"Evolution" is the Key

Submitted by Jeremy Nicholson M.S.W., Ph.D. on September 4, 2011 - 1:12am

Regardless of whether it is "romantic" or "exciting", science is science - and truth is truth. A carefully constructed set of studies by Cindy Meston (a clinical psychologist and female sex researcher) and David Buss (an evolutionary psychologist) in 2007 clearly find that women do engage in sex for a variety of reasons. Among them are the goals to boost their own self-esteem, out of a sense of duty/obligation to their partner, and to "mate guard" or prevent their partner from going elsewhere for sex. While women may certainly be economically and sexually liberated, they are still a part of the hundreds-of-thousands of years of evolutionary psychology development that compels them to care about their partners or seek to stay attached to them through sex.

Bye the way, men also have sex for these reasons too. So, it isn't a "breadwinner" issue or simply a "stereotype". Rather, it appears to be an aspect of human mating/bonding. We fight to maintain connection with those we are attached to - sometimes employing sex to help make or strengthen that connection. That doesn't even sound "insulting" in that context, unless one believes that women being at all emotionally attached to a man is "improper". Perhaps if we'd stop making "feminist" issues out of mating biological/evolutionary realities, people would be less shamed and better able to truly adjust to their needs, wants, desires, and impulses.

Given that, as professionals, we can certainly suggest superior strategies to solve our clients' problems. Perhaps knee-jerk evolved mechanisms are not always the most adaptive behaviors to solve modern relationship dilemmas. So, helping them gain perspective is always a priority. But, "not buying the argument" or devaluing the individual who employs those strategies as a "femme fatale", a "stereotype", or needing to "have a man" isn't helpful for their well-being, self-image, or future relationship development.

Why do men always invoke

Submitted by Alicia on October 17, 2011 - 4:31am

Why do men always invoke "evolution" and "science" when they want to reinforce their own perceived power and dominance? Are ya'll that afraid of the ladies not being utterly financially and physically dependent on you?

Clarification

Submitted by Jeremy Nicholson M.S.W., Ph.D. on October 17, 2011 - 6:35am

Alicia,

I believe you misunderstood my point above. Evolutionary psychology often suggests MUTUAL dependence. Men are dependent on women...and women dependent on men as well. Ultimately no one gender is "dominant". Both have evolved to have a synergistic relationship for mutual benefit.

Furthermore, as you will see in my comment above, BOTH men and women use these sexual strategies. Both men and women care to remain committed to their partners. Human attachment and love is not gender specific.

Given that, I don't see where you get any "fear" of perceived power loss. Unless the very fact that we care about each other troubles you? Is attachment, love, and concern as a biological reality really that oppressive?

I find it interesting how few

Submitted by Ian on September 4, 2011 - 2:19am

I find it interesting how few practicing psychologists are willing to consider evolutionary explanations, although in your defence, current evolutionary models are usually far too coarse to provide useful diagnostic predictions.

However, in this case I believe that the author is certainly on to something. I've certainly seen relationships where women are simultaneously afraid of the partner leaving, and more interested in sex.

But this confuses correlation and causation. If you get a chance, have a look at Robert Kurzban's blog, or even better, his book or academic writing. Using a modular view of the brain, in which unconscious instincts create certain actions, while conscious beliefs drive other, seemingly contradictory actions, it's easy to see how this situation could arise.

Essentially, women in the situation that the author describes do indeed face a situation where their spouse might leave. The spouse is probably indicating a lower interest level, and perhaps more interest in other women.

This instinctively cues two things in the woman. One, that her spouse is higher value than previously calculated, and therefore that there is more benefit to having sex with him. This is an instinctive calculation, but it results in the individual consciously feeling more aroused, and more likely to want to have sex.

The other thing that this causes is a higher level of jealousy, and fear of being left. The purpose of this is to make the woman hypersensitive to signs that her spouse may leave, which will then result in her being more proactive about keeping him around. This also has negative side effects, but on balance she is probably less likely to be abandoned.

From a clinical perspective then, it is important to recognize that these emotions are not the result of something internal, so much as a instinctual response to external changes in the woman's environment. That's not to say that a clinician can't help the woman; simple changes like helping to increase her self-esteem, or therapy involving spouse could probably be quite effective.

However without a model of the underlying factors it is certainly much harder to achieve a good result. Not impossible: people were designing machines long before Newton. But not easy.

Whence Pleasure

Submitted by Tori Rodriguez on September 4, 2011 - 9:37am

I agree with you, Dr. Greene. This is more sexist, gender-essentialist, pseudo-science tripe that undermines psychology - taking one's beliefs and touting them as science. (Is it any wonder Dr. Seltzer plucked a song out of the air as illustration of his point? In that case, we could find many more that counter it, but that wouldn't do much in the way of credibility, would it?) What's missing, too, is the fact that lots of women and men have sex for the - wait for it - PLEASURE, whether with a long-term partner or not. Sheesh, many of these evo psych folks paint a very grim picture of intimacy.

Actual Psychological Research

Submitted by Jeremy Nicholson M.S.W., Ph.D. on September 4, 2011 - 6:33pm

If you read my reply above to Dr. Greene, you will see that I am quoting actual psychological research - from a very notable female sex researcher in the field. No personal beliefs or psuedo-science involved. Meston and Buss (2007) detail many reasons why both men and women have sex, including pleasure. Their later book "Why Women Have Sex" based on further research by the pair, detail even more. The truth is that both men and women do have sex to "mate guard" and try to keep a partner. Certainly, that isn't the only reason - but it does happen.

In fact, evolutionary psychology paints a multi-determined picture of intimacy. Meston and Buss do note pleasure, love, and forming a connection as reasons for sexual intimacy. However, they do also note more "functional" and less "romantic" reasons for that behavior as well. Even Dr. Seltzer doesn't suggest that fear inspired sex is the only reason why women pursue men sexually. But, the fact remains that both "romantic" and "grim" motivations do sometimes cause both men and women to initiate sex.

However, if an "evolutionary" explanation of these findings is "distasteful" for your particular worldview, other mechanisms can be used to explain the findings as well. Dr. Cialdini, for example, describes many types of Social Influence in his book "Influence: Science and Practice". Among them is the principle of Scarcity. Basically, all humans come to want more and value more highly what they are prevented or excluded from (also known as Reactance). Given that mechanism, any individual excluded from a partner by his/her behavior could potentially have a "scarcity" reaction - valuing the sex/intimacy of that interaction more highly, and seeking fervently to re-establish it. This is much the same process as people flocking to a "going out of business sale"...or even the tactic used in "playing hard to get".

In the end, people do exhibit this phenomenon, even though I agree that it is "grim". The "why" can be debated - but the fact remains. I do encourage you to teach your clients more adaptive and positive mechanisms by which to deal with their current relationships. But, I also encourage you to take a look at the realities of their present behaviors as well. We can change how people act for the better, but we cannot afford to turn a blind eye to their baseline behaviors when they don't fit into our preferred schema of how the world "ought" to be.

Ooo, so close...

Submitted by Dr. Liev-Zatbish on October 12, 2018 - 3:42pm

You almost had it, right up until the end where you implied that Female Breadwinners want sex...

Yeah, men aren't having sex with them to keep them... men aren't having sex with them, to keep them.

That comma there... yep. It pretty much sums up the state of Gender sexual dynamics in this brave new world doesn't it?

Fat and ugly people

Submitted by Anonymous on September 2, 2011 - 5:56pm

An interesting article about one aspect of sexual partners, but please find some realistic photos of real people taking their clothes off or in sexually provocative poses. Fat people, disabled people and ugly people all exist. If martians came to earth and looked at pictures on Psych Today only they would assume we all were long, pretty and attractive.

I was thinking the same

Submitted by Anonymous on September 3, 2011 - 1:20am

I was going to leave a comment stating something similar: where/who are all these pictures of fit, attractive, healthy, stable looking people? What/who do they represent and why are there pictures of women happily taking their clothes off as if they feel like they are the sexiest objects in existence when the article is about fear based sex. Shouldn't the women be fat, ugly, grotesque and fearful to represent the topic of the post?

Jeez, and I was going to say

Submitted by The Wet One on September 3, 2011 - 8:19pm

Jeez, and I was going to say "Nice ass."

Guess I'm out of step...

:-)

Disagree with Dr Greene

Submitted by Nell on September 2, 2011 - 6:21pm

Dr Selzer has very accurately described the behaviour of both women AND men in sexless marriages. (Sexless marriages are defined as those where sex takes place ten or less times a year.) Contrary to popular belief, MANY men are the Refuser in sexless marriage situations. And just as Dr Selzer describes, they want to stay married.

Dr Greene says it is because the woman in such a relationship is the breadwinner. Not necessarily so at all! Many of the men in these marriages are successful in most areas of their lives - but just don't want to have sex.

The old myth about "all men want sex" is so deeply ingrained that many people think:
"Aha! He will be having sex elsewhere!"
And this is true in some cases. But quite often it is simply true that the man is NOT interested in sex with a partner - although he might use masturbation or porn as sexual activities.

The key issue here seems to be that he does not want to engage in the intimacy that partner sex involves. And this seems to apply to women as well, in sexless marriages.

Dr Greene's response is an example of why MANY people in sexless marriages find it very hard to find appropriate counseling. Dr Selzer OTOH is aware of the response of (some) women in these situations. If he will now extend his awareness to include men, he will really be helping the sexless marriage community IMO.

Those people who live in these situations may find support and comfort from reading the stories and posts in "I Live in a Sexless Marriage" experience on the Experience Project. I would encourage ALL psychologists, psychotherapists, counselors et al to read widely here as well. One (or more) of your patients may be among this group . . . .

GREAT COMMENT

Submitted by Mary on September 2, 2011 - 9:17pm

Experience Project "I Live in a Sexless Marriage" is an absolute great forum. The heart wrenching stories, the effort and energy expended on trying to resolve (oftentimes for decades) sexless marriages is nothing short of astounding.

The mix on that forum runs about 50 percent and 50 percent women.

The narratives on there are beyond eye opening. And comfort and real world solutions can be found there.

Unilateral withdrawal of intimate interaction, within the context of marriage or long term romantic relationships can be devestating to the other partner who wants and needs intimacy. Be they a man or women, they both suffer.

Have you ever talked..

Submitted by Anonymous on September 3, 2011 - 12:05pm

Mary, I read a lot of your comments here on PT. You are in a very difficult and demoralizing situation. If it is not too indiscreet to ask, how much have you and your withdrawing-husband discussed the situation, and have you guys broached the idea of opening up your marriage sexually?

Also, is the withdrawal simply with sex, or with the rest of the range of husband-wife relations, too?

YES

Submitted by Mary on September 3, 2011 - 5:44pm

Everything that I post has been discussed at home.

In response to not being able to build intimacy with my husband, and not being able to resolve the issue - I instituted a Don't Ask/Don't Tell policy last year. I reunited with someone from my long ago past. Husband has the same freedom. My husband is not controlling in any way and I can do as I please. He has been married before (more than once), and I now realize that I did not practice proper risk management in my choice of a spouse.

I realize that my marriage is dysfunctional to the core, and the lack of intimacy is an indicator of problems in other issues.

The marriage works well logistically though. There is no tension or other problems that I read about in other's stories. We are courteous and respectful to each other and I do enjoy his company on a social level.

The journey has been a bit demoralizing but I have certaintly learned much about myself along the way.

Fortunately marriage does not define me (I am older and was single for most of my adult life) so I handled this situation pretty well.

I feel I did the best I could with what I had here, and if/when we part ways it will be done with dignity and respect. We have agreed that we are not lovers, so we focus on what did work between us - the logistics.

I find my narrative repeated over and over again in other's women's stories, so I like to comment every once in a while. I know I am not the only one dealing with this type of situation and the reason why I comment is that someone out there might relate to what I have been through and perhpas find a bit of solace that there are solutions that can be had.

Even if they are unconventional.

Actually, I'm impressed!

Submitted by Anonymous on September 3, 2011 - 8:43pm

I'm impressed with how you and husband have been able to reach an accommodation and stay married. People think and believe there is just one way to be married. There isn't. There are as many ways to be married as there are couples. Yours might not be normative, but it's lasting a whole lot longer than a ton of other more "normal" marriages.

Bravo to you. And I guess I would say also bravo to him.

I See this in my marriage

Submitted by Anonymous on September 3, 2011 - 12:53pm

This article is almost dead-on with what I have experienced in my own marriage, which nearly became sexless until I practically threatened my wife with divorce if we didn't go to marriage counselling. Perhaps as an unintended byproduct of that threat, since then sex has become more regular (although not necessarily "better" -- that's a different issue). I'd often wondered if my wife was thinking "If I don't give him sex he'll move out and file for divorce." This article makes me suspec that, yes, she's probably thinking that.

Somewhat Resonant

Submitted by Anonymice on September 4, 2011 - 3:31pm

I've found a similar dynamic in my own marriage. After a decade of a nearly sexless marriage my wife became more sexually receptive on two occasions. The first was when close friends of ours were dealing with infidelity and an impending (but narrowly averted) breakup of their marriage. The second was when I threw in the towel on our relationship. At each point, presumably when she saw our relationship as being threatened, she suddenly started initiating sex again. Of course that hasn't lasted and we're sliding back to old patterns, but I found this article and some of the comments on it did match with my own experience.

The sliding back problem ...

Submitted by Anonymous on September 4, 2011 - 8:22pm

The way I hope to avoid sliding back (as you write) is that I fully intend in marriage counseling to bring up my need for and inmportance of an active sex life -- when the time there is right.

counseling

Submitted by Anonymice on September 4, 2011 - 9:21pm

Good luck.

I've found it difficult to find a counselor we agree on, mostly because I think we're each approaching it as finding a referee. If I'm looking for a counselor who agrees with me that sex is important in a relationship and will help us negotiate our needs and boundaries while she's looking for a counselor who agrees that sex shouldn't be all that important in a relationship, well...

so true...ive found that guys

Submitted by Anonymous on October 14, 2011 - 10:13pm

so true...ive found that guys are so afraid of emotions that when i'm madly in love with someone and know that telling them that will send them running for the hills...instead I just tell them how much I desire them and what I want to do to them...I pass off my love as lust so they'll get closer to me and keep coming back to me rather than run away..and after we make passionate love then my anxiety stops for a few days as our bond is safe for awhile in my mind...

Two things: First, why should

Submitted by Annie on November 22, 2011 - 2:18pm

Two things: First, why should the people in the illustration be fat or ugly? Good looking people break up and can be insecure too.

Also, I would like to suggest that it is not necessarily fear itself that makes a woman more passionate during this type of sex. Rather, perhaps the woman is (mis)interpreting the husband's willingness to have sex as a sign of affection. If he has sex with her, in her mind it may mean that he has decided to stay. She is relieved and happy to be acccepted again.

Comment endlessly replicating itself

Submitted by Leon F Seltzer Ph.D. on November 22, 2011 - 3:28pm

Annie, although I appreciate your comments (3 recent ones at this point), each one comes out 10 or more times. So I'd request that you discontinue commenting until you've solved your computer glitch. (It's frankly a rather laborious task to remove each repetition one at a time.)

Enlightened

Submitted by Anonymous on April 5, 2013 - 11:38am

This article has provided huge insight for me and to the sexual dynamic of my marriage. Only now, after 6 years of marriage, have I finally come to understand the power play. My husband has been emotionally abusive for many years, nonetheless, I had found it in my best interest to appease my husband sexually for fear that I would be "asking for trouble/ a divorce" if I didn't. Just google "withholding sex" and you'll find, without any special conditions, that this "tactic" is entirely unacceptable. Only now, after having decided that my marriage isn't worth fighting for anymore, I've decided sex is off the table until husband seeks therapy for anger/control issues. I refuse to feel guilt, knowing that I've done my best to make the marriage work. Thank you for this wonderful article.

Thanks for the articles!

Submitted by Javier Domimguez on February 6, 2016 - 10:00pm

Good job Doc. You seem to be making quite a revolt with everyone of your articles. I have read a couple of them (the course 1 and 2, the serial killers and this one) and I have found them extremely intriguing and quite brilliant. You have materialized a lot of thoughts I had analizing my environment (I'm a Mexican nerd, 20 years old, socially awkward, computer science guy and interested in almost every subject, especially human behaviour, I literally googled "testosterone curse" after a sexually act I wasn't very proud of). The wonderful, revealling thing I have found with with your articles is that you seem to distance yourself from the idea that the thing that we would rationally consider the best attitude is certainly not the most effective if we are talking about sexual and human relationships (no one would deliberately thing that being an aggressive male towards a woman would have much success with her, but maybe it does). I think the Christian religion (and its values)
and modern science have convinced us that woman and man don't act out of instintc and that everything in our behaviour can be related to a rational decision, but it seems clear that this is not the case. I recently watched the documentary"The Hunting Ground" and I was quite fascinated by your articles while I was seeing it, the whole movement just seemed to me incredibly just and the right thing to do, but a little bit doomed by the fact that in my opinion rape is never ever going to end(not even in a super advanced society full of phds everywhere)(search about the case of sexual harassment of MIT emeritus Walter Lewin). The testosterone course might seem a controversial topic (depicting man as beasts) and this article also(depicting woman as self harming individuals) but in the end thats how the world works(at least in my opinion) thank you very much for your articles, they seem to me challenging, counterintuitive and certainly in need to be discussed without moral, religious or any other kind of prejiduce, ¡Thank you very much!(with opening exclamation mark since I'm Mexican).

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