7 Healthy Ways to Improve Sexual Desire

Source: Anthony Tran/Unsplash

Sex is related to almost every aspect of our psychological and physical health. Studies show that it improves everything from self-esteem, to anxiety, to cardiovascular health and even longevity. Although sex can’t fix a broken relationship, research suggests that it increases emotional intimacy and allows partners to better tolerate each other’s shortcomings.

Today, however, Americans are having less sex than ever, or at least compared to the amount they were having 20 years ago. The current “sexual recession” (as labeled by the popular media) likely has many causes. A major culprit, however, is that many people report struggling with sexual desire. We know sex is good for us and our relationship, but how do we make ourselves want to have it?

Millions of Americans report low sexual desire. It’s the most common sexual problem reported by women and among the leading sexual concerns reported by men. Unsurprisingly, a plethora of unregulated sexual enhancement concoctions promising longer erections and increased libido can now be found for purchase at gas stations and across the internet.

As with most types of sexual dysfunction, the hurdle to improving a person’s libido isn’t a lack of effective treatment options—there are many legitimate ones—but rather that people are too embarrassed to talk about the issue with their doctor or their partner. They lack awareness and education surrounding the issue and consequently feel ashamed.

Following are seven effective ways to address low sexual desire. Some of these approaches tackle physiological factors, some address psychological issues, and others address relationship dynamics. The approach that works best for you will depend on the factors which are most relevant to you.

1. Focus on having better, more pleasurable sex. One of the biggest predictors of sexual desire is the quality of our previous sexual experience, particularly with the same partner. Simply put, nobody craves bad sex. The best way to improve the quality of the sex you’re having is to focus on sexual communication. Get to know your own body and what feels good to you so that you can show or explain that to a partner. Introduce novelty. Studies show that couples who introduce one new position or technique every month report higher sexual satisfaction than couples who do so less than that.
2. Address issues of sexual shame and guilt. Many people grew up in a purity culture, surrounded by messages insisting that sex, masturbation, and pleasure are inherently sinful. They were taught that their body and genitals are embarrassing and shameful. They were taught that sex serves one purpose—procreation—and that any other reason for sex, such as pleasure, was wrong. Unfortunately, these negative shameful beliefs undermine sexual desire by associating it in a person’s mind with one thing: guilt. If you have difficulty letting messages such as these go, consider talking to a mental health counselor.
3. Talk to your doctor about the medications you’re on. Selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs) are a class of drugs frequently prescribed to treat anxiety and depression. Although these medications can be profoundly helpful, they often dampen libido. This side effect often improves after a few months, but if you continue to struggle, talk to your doctor about alternative medications without libido-diminishing effects (which do exist).
4. Get better sleep. Sex and sleep enjoy a reciprocal relationship. Research shows that orgasm improves sleep quality in over 90 percent of people. Studies also demonstrate that the better rested you are, the more you’ll want sex. So, prioritize spending more hours in bed sleeping as opposed to trying to do it all. Practice good sleep hygiene by going to bed at a consistent time, sleeping in a cool dark room, and limiting alcohol and technology before bed.
5. Work to make your relationship feel equal. A new study in the Journal of Sex Research shows that relationship equity is a significant predictor of female sexual desire. Share responsibilities with your partner as equally as you can. Acknowledge the huge toll of the emotional and invisible labor that goes into managing a household, including children. Have conversations about who takes on what and when. Show appreciation for all of the things your partner does and make sure they do the same.
6. Address poor body image. Poor body image can easily undermine libido. Yet, every day, we are bombarded by images in the media of perfectly fit bodies, which tempt us to compare ourselves. Recognize that those images are airbrushed and often not real. Appreciate the incredible things your body is capable of. You don’t have to love every aspect of it—but do aim for self-compassion and acceptance.
7. Change your perception. The movies and media teach us that happy couples always want to rip each other’s clothes off. The reality, however, is that sexual desire is often more responsive than spontaneous. This means that the subjective experience of sexual arousal often comes after a person’s body has begun to show physiological signs of sexual desire. It’s a little like going to the gym: At first, it takes a bit of a mental push to start. Once things are in motion, however, you begin to feel great and are happy you tried. Don’t interpret the mental push in the beginning as a sign that you’re not interested. Sometimes it’s about giving yourself time and trusting that you’ll get there.