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The French have a saying: "Hypocrisy is the bow that vice makes to virtue."
I thought of this yesterday afternoon over tea in our kitchen. My daughter was visiting us briefly, and my husband and I were talking to her. During the conversation my daughter said that she might have forgiven her ex-husband his infidelity and even his drunkeness, if he had at least been pleasant and kind ! " If he had been polite and thoughtful, and perhaps kept his infidelities to himself, and though I might even have suspected they existed, I would probably have remained at his side," she said to my surprise.
I thought of my own ex-husband who had also felt it necessary to tell me the truth about his infidelities, to describe his young mistress and her varying illnesses and heart aches in detail . What if he had taken the trouble to hide his infidelities? What if he had cared enough about our relationship, above all, to come home and be kind and polite, instead of coming back late in the evening, fresh from his mistress and feeling guilty, which would inevitably lead to his blaming me for being disorderly or finding fault in some way ? Would it have made a difference in my life? Would we have stayed together ultimately?
My husband replied that he, on the contrary, had never fought with his first wife, had always been polite and thoughtful, until the day she asked him to vacate the premises so that she could bring her lovers into the home. It was then that he had asked for a divorce. He said he felt it would have been much better if they had both voiced their feelings and hashed out their differences on a daily basis so that ultimately, they might have been able to stay together. "Expressing your grievances and even fighting is important," he said.
So who was right in this discussion? How important is it to respect one's neighbor, if not to love him/her as we have been taught in the Christian religion?
It does seem to me important to attempt, at least, to remember what will help a relationship in the long run. To voice our small frustrations needlessly and destructively is of no use to anyone. Why not attempt to adopt a positive attitude, to see the best in those around us, and make them feel good, if we can. They will ultimately thank us for it. Perhaps even tell a few white lies.
Of course, if their behavior is so egregious that it is putting our own well-being in danger we have to speak up and speak out. The line between these things is admittedly often very fine and very hard to discern!
With a fine drawing by Jean Marcellino
Sheila Kohler is the author of thirteen books most recently "Dreaming for Freud" "The Bay of Foxes" and "Becoming Jane Eyre."
