The Sex-Starved Marriage Secret
The unspoken truth about a sexual desire gap.
Posted May 12, 2014
Do you and your spouse have a sexual desire gap? If so, you're not alone. Did you know that 1 in 3 couples struggles with this sexual dilemma? But just because you aren't alone, it doesn't mean you should be complacent about a ho-hum sexual relationship. You shouldn't. It can lead to a miserably angry spouse, infidelity, and divorce. If you don't believe me, watch this TEDx talk on The Sex-Starved Marriage
And although solutions to this sexual divide abound in magazines, self-help books and other pop psychology outlets, there is a little talked about fact underlying the problems associated with this sexual void.
The No's have veto power.
Here's the deal. The spouse with lower sexual drive controls the frequency of sex—if she or he doesn't want it, it generally doesn't happen. This is not due to mean-spiritedness, maliciousness or manipulativeness, it just seems unimaginable to be sexual if one is not in the mood.
Furthermore, there is an unspoken and often unconscious expectation that the higher desire spouse must accept the no-sex verdict, not complain about it, and remain monogamous. After decades of working with couples, I can attest that this tacit agreement is an unfair and unworkable.
This is not to say that infidelity is a viable solution to disparate sexual interests. It isn't. As with all relationship conflicts, being willing to find middle ground is the best way to insure love's longevity.
But what's a so-called "low desire spouse" to do?
Believe it or not, although the causes of low sexual desire can be complex and deeply rooted such as hormonal imbalances, sexual dysfunction, a history of sexual abuse, medical conditions, and so on, this is not always the case. One of the most common causes for a sexual desire gap is also the simplest to solve. I recommend that the person with low desire adopt the Nike philosophy, and "Just Do It!" Why?
I wish I had a dollar for each time someone in my practice said, "I wasn't in the mood when I started making love but once we got into it, I really enjoyed myself. It felt great."
After seeing lots of this in my practice, I started to look around at the literature about sexual desire and discovered that for millions of people, sexual desire doesn't just happen, you have to make it happen. (Basson, R.) But what does this actually mean?
The human sexual response cycle is thought to have four stages:
Stage 1: Desire, which is defined as having a sexy thought or sexual fantasy that often occurs out of the blue or in response to a trigger such as seeing an attractive person, smelling a aromatic perfume, or watching a hot movie. Desire then prompts us to become sexually active.
Stage 2: Arousal is the excitement we feel, the physiological changes in our bodies once we're physically stimulated.
Stage 3: Orgasm.
Stage 4: Resolution, when our bodies return to the resting state.
But for almost half the population, stages one and two are actually reversed. They don't feel sexual desire until they've been physically aroused, until they've been touched. But once they've been stimulated, they feel plenty of desire. For these folks, arousal leads to desire, not the other way around.
If this sounds like you, it behooves you to do a little experimenting. Stop waiting for the fireworks to happen before you become sexual. Be receptive to your partner's advances even if you're not totally in the mood. Why? Two reasons.
You might just find that once you're into it, you're really into it. You may not have low sexual desire at all. Instead, you may just be wired differently that your more high desire spouse.
Plus, notice the changes in your spouse. She or he will be much nicer to be around. But don't take my word for it. Try it. At least watch this new TEDx Talk on The Sex-Starved Marriage.
Michele Weiner-Davis is the Author of the best selling Divorce Busting, Divorce Remedy, and the Sex-Starved Marriage, and creator of the Divorce Busting Center. She is the Founder of DivorceBusting "Like" her on Facebook, and get her latest videos on YouTube.