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Self-Esteem
The 5 Best Responses to Subtle Put-Downs
Question, minimize, and then seek out someone more positive.
Updated January 13, 2024 Reviewed by Ray Parker
Key points
- Casual put-downs unsettle us more than direct insults, as they catch us off-guard and are difficult to assess.
- Subtle criticisms come in different forms: hidden, implied, falsely complimentary, or disguised as concern.
- In response, we can question presuppositions, make generalizing statements, and undercut by downplaying.
If we feel bad after talking to a particular person and can't figure out why, chances are we've been subtly put down.
Put-downs are brief remarks that belittle us by insulting our personal worthiness and diminishing our social status. They can be more pernicious than direct insults because their seriousness is more difficult to assess.
If someone says, "You're an idiot," that can sting, but it also stands out, spotlighting both the comment and the person who said it. However, if we are asked, "Are you sure you received an invitation?" then our social standing is questioned, and our honesty is questioned as well—without direct mention of either.
Psychotherapist Erin Leonard points out that subtle put-downs are often made in casual conversation, catching us off guard. We then need to pause and consider how to respond. Moreover, if we perceive part of a put-down as accurate, we may inflate this partial accuracy and validate the entire comment, including unsupported implications.
What kinds of verbal attacks show up in conversation, and how should we respond to them?
Types of Subtle Put-Downs
The Hidden Insult. Sometimes, insults are hidden in the underlying meaning of a comment and are not directly stated. "Even you could pass that course" has two major, unstated presuppositions: The course is easy, and you're not a good student. The first is a flat judgment, and the second is potentially insulting.
This way, we can be insulted without the put-down being directly voiced.
Undesirable Implications About Our Social Life. Suppose an acquaintance reveals information about a mutual friend and then says, "I'm surprised he didn't tell you." Or that acquaintance describes a dinner gathering we weren't part of. Or maybe we take an out-of-town visitor to our favorite local places, and the visitor says, "Too bad we didn't see anyone you know." These are all indirect attacks on our interpersonal lives, implying that we don't have the dependable network of relationships we should have.
Insults Disguised as Compliments or Caring. Most of us have received compliments with an edge of implied insult. "That haircut makes your nose look smaller." "I envy how comfortable you are leaving dishes in the sink." "It's great that you aren't vain." "You're so attractive when you smile."
Sometimes, statements of concern are meant as subtle insults. "You'd be happier if you went out more." "Let me help by sending links for fashionable sweaters." Such statements can be genuine, or they can be subtle put-downs about our social life or our appearance. Only context and prior interactions can suggest how to interpret them. If we're in doubt, we should ask.
Put-Downs With an Audience. Right in front of me, a neighbor scolded his wife for being late as she got out of her car. He then turned to me and said, "She's a pain. And she's always angry with me."
Of course, marriages are complicated, with long and winding paths of interactions, but his tone was that of a parent talking to a naughty child. And it qualified as one of the most corrosive types of criticism: a public dressing down.
Sitcom Interactions. Insulting interactions in situational comedies can be entertaining to watch but hurtful to relationships in real life. One or two attempts at a humorous put-down can be tolerated, but the humor fades quickly, leaving behind only criticism. If attempts at clever teasing persist, we need to introduce new and less theatrical modes of interaction.
Responding to Put-Downs
Questioning Presuppositions. With a hidden insult, the first step is to identify it. Consider the statement, "If you really wanted to lose weight, you would stay on your diet." The critique of our weight is apparent, but the more insidious insult is about our motivation and character, which is in the unstated presupposition: You really don't want to lose weight.
The next step is to respond directly to the presupposition.1 In this case, a simple question is appropriate: "What makes you think I don't want to lose weight?"
A brief conversation about that question might ensue, but at least the put-down is out in the open.
Downplaying the Put-Down. We can go along with the put-down and agree—up to a point.
The put-down: "I thought more of your friends would show up."
The response: "Me too. I guess I'm just not that popular. Although most of my good friends have young children, with a lot going on right now."
Such comments work because we acknowledge the put-down and disagree with it enough to agree with it, with stipulations.
Similarly, if we're up for it, we can choose to take a one-down, responding to the subtle insult by moving it one (small) step further, showing we don't take it to heart. If someone walks into our apartment and says, "It's kind of a mess in here," we can say, "It's a lot better than last week." If we're told, "That's not a good parking job," we can reply, "It's actually worse than not good."
The Generalizing Reply. A generalizing statement drains the energy from an insult without giving an insult in return. Suppose we are told, "I wouldn't live in your neighborhood." We could then say, "Well, it's not for everyone."
"It's not for everyone" works with a variety of put-downs. "Are you wearing that?" "Do you really like her music?" "Spending three days camping without a tent sounds crazy to me; that sounds like something Dwight from The Office would do."
Stepping back and offering general rationale rebuffs many kinds of put-downs tactfully and respectfully.
Minimal Replies. A nonverbal response can be appropriate because it acknowledges the put-down without participating. Pausing and giving a look shows that we've understood but don't agree. If we ignore the put-down outright, the person might try again, offering a different version to ensure the meaning gets through.
In the Long Run. After a conversational put-down, we want to make the subtle obvious. We accomplish this by responding sincerely but not defensively. In many instances, the reply to our sincere response will be, "I was just joking" or "You're too sensitive." At that point, the put-down is directly acknowledged and can be openly addressed or dismissed.
Ultimately, we should spend less time managing put-downs and more time socializing with positive, supportive people.
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References
1. The Gentle Art Of Verbal Self Defense by Suzette Elgin offers original and useful ideas on how to recognize and counteract such hidden insults, innuendo, and the questioning of one’s character.
