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Emotion Regulation

Feel Deeply, Act Wisely

Stop the cycle of reactivity and regret.

Key points

  • Recognize emotions as valid but separate from urges, and honor them without destructive actions.
  • Mindfulness creates a crucial pause between emotions and actions, letting you choose skillfully.
  • Emotions motivate us to act, but not every action urge is helpful—choose what aligns with your goals.
  • Rehearsing bad behavior makes it automatic; practice skillful responses to build new habits.

Every emotion has an accompanying "action urge." That action urge shows up with the emotion but is separate and distinct from the emotion itself.

David Garrison/Pexels
Have you ever had a meltdown and behaved in ways you regret when overwhelmed by emotions?
Source: David Garrison/Pexels

When I was going through dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) as a client, sometimes a skill would blow my mind. This one, separating emotion and action, was a revolution for me. I thought that anger and attack were inseparable. Sobbing and sorrow came hand in hand. So many of my emotions arrived with a tantrum in tow. Do you relate to that?

In my experience, the emotion and the action urge were inextricably linked. Action was a necessary and inevitable outcome of feelings.

And yet…you can uncouple them.

The Role of Emotions

If we are going to work on managing our overwhelming emotions, first we have to understand a bit about them.

Emotions have many functions. They provide us with information. They communicate with others. And they motivate us to action. This motivation piece is so important.

A Pause for Choice

Whichever emotions we are feeling, we can pause to make a choice about what we're going to do. This isn't about not feeling your feelings or never taking action. Sometimes, emotions prompt an action urge that's appropriate to the situation and is very skillful.

However, allowing a bit of space between your emotion and the action urge gives you a choice about how you want to respond. When we act on unskillful urges, the reality is that it's not the emotion ruining things; it's our behavior.

Building Awareness

I love this lesson learned in DBT. DBT mindfulness skills build the awareness that gives you a brief but monumental pause between stimulus and response. This is one way mindfulness about your emotions can change your life

Exercises for Practicing Emotional Awareness

Exercise 1: Identifying Action Urges

When you feel a particular emotion, what do you feel like doing?

Vladya Karpovich/pexels
Take some time to write and reflect. This is an important step in understanding your emotions.
Source: Vladya Karpovich/pexels

Write a list of emotions that you struggle with. What are the correlating action urges that get you into trouble? Be specific. For instance:

  • When you're hurt, you stop responding to communication.
  • When you're sad, you use unskillful means to get support and attention.
  • When you're anxious, you beat yourself up mentally and avoid the necessary task.
  • When you're overcome with love or joy, you throw everything else away in pursuit of affection.

These are just examples, not accusations.

Exercise 2: Reflecting on Emotional Situations

Imagine yourself in an emotional situation from the past year. Can you summon the emotion?

Now, imagine stepping outside of yourself as if you are watching a movie of that scene. Watching that scene, ask yourself:

  • What was my action urge?
  • What did I feel like doing?
  • What did I do?
  • What was the outcome?
  • Was it skillful?

Watching the scene now, consider your goals in that situation. What would have been more effective than your initial action urge?

Exercise 3: Tuning In to Emotions and Urges

As you go through your day, set reminders in your phone to tune in to:

  • What emotion am I feeling?
  • What is the action urge?

This practice will help build your mindfulness muscles.

Uncoupling Emotion and Action

Using mindful awareness, you can recognize the emotion and then watch for the action urge—always remembering that they are separate. Connected, but separate.

The emotion will happen in response to an event or some other stimuli. You can't control that. By becoming the observer of your experience, you will increase your ability to observe the action urge and make a skillful decision about it.

A Personal Story: Unlearning Conditioned Responses

A woman who struggled with anger shared:

RNDE STOCK IMAGE/PEXELS
Source: RNDE STOCK IMAGE/PEXELS

"My mother taught me to throw plates when I was angry. As a little girl, we would go to the Goodwill and buy old ceramic plates by the dozen. Mom would throw plates at the wall behind the garage whenever she was angry. It was loud. It was scary. My mother could really rage at that wall. When I got angry, she would egg me on, 'Smash them!' I couldn't control myself very well, though. I would throw and break things when we weren't behind the garage. I remember her spanking me when I threw a water glass across the kitchen. I was about 8. Her rules about when and where to express anger were very specific. I still get so angry that I just have to destroy something. I don't know how to stop. I have thrown things at my husband. It scares me how little control I have."

Her mom had trained her that throwing or smashing things was the only way to experience anger. She was locked into a course of action each time she experienced anger.

It astounded her to realize that these are actually two separate things. Anger is one experience. Throwing things is another. Anger can make her want to throw things. But it is not the inevitable outcome of being upset.

Skillful Responses to Emotions

Marsha Linehan, the creator of dialectical behavior therapy, says:

"People don't need to rehearse bad behavior. The idea that you need to expel anger by smashing or hitting things just reinforces unskillful behavior. The more we rehearse a behavior, the more it becomes an automatic response."

Instead of rehearsing unskillful behaviors, practice skillful responses:

  • Use the RAIN meditation to process anger.
  • Exercise.
  • Take a Time Out.
  • Use self-soothing strategies.
  • Do the opposite of what you feel like doing, if the opposite would be more effective.

Recognize that you can replace instinctive, conditioned responses with more skillful action urges.

Mindfulness is the Key

But also remember that sometimes your urge to attack or hide is skillful, depending on your situation. There is a reason that we have these action urges. The key is to be mindful.

DBT offers many other skills that grow out of this foundational awareness. Stay tuned to this blog to learn more.

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