What about the destructive consequences of narcissistic rage on the recipient?
From personal experience I can tell you that it is utterly frightening and has a long term impact. These people destroy lives.
Dreams have been described as dress rehearsals for real life, opportunities to gratify wishes, and a form of nocturnal therapy. A new theory aims to make sense of it all.
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Posted Jul 08, 2018
“Some people try to be tall by cutting off the heads of others.” —Paramahansa Yogananda
Psychologist Stephen Johnson writes that the narcissist is someone who has “buried his true self-expression in response to early injuries and replaced it with a highly developed, compensatory false self.” This alternate persona to the real self often comes across as grandiose, “above others,” and self-absorbed.
Narcissistic rage can be defined as intense anger, aggression, or passive-aggression when a narcissist experiences a setback or disappointment, which shatters his (or her) illusions of grandiosity, entitlement, and superiority, and triggers inner inadequacy, shame, and vulnerability.
Examples of narcissistic rage range from intense outbursts and sudden fits of anger, to passive-aggressive acts such as simmering resentment, icy silence, deliberate neglect, or cutting sarcasm. What distinguishes narcissistic rage from normal anger is that it is usually unreasonable, disproportional, and cuttingly aggressive (or intensely passive-aggressive), all because the narcissists’ wants and wishes are not being catered to. It is a blow to their superficial, idealized self-image.
(It is important to note that not all angry outbursts are narcissistic. There may be other factors at work, such as chemical imbalance, head injury, drugs and alcohol, etc.)
Below are eight scenarios when narcissistic rage often occurs, with references from my books, How to Successfully Handle Narcissists, and A Practical Guide for Narcissists to Change Towards the Higher Self. Whether at home, at work, in social interactions, or in day-to-day activities, narcissistic rage may occur when:
1. The narcissist doesn’t get his or her way, even when it’s unreasonable.
2. The narcissist is criticized in some way, even when the critique is made diplomatically, reasonably, and constructively.
3. The narcissist isn’t treated as the center of attention, even when there are other priorities.
4. The narcissist is caught breaking rules, violating social norms, or disregarding boundaries.
“How dare you talk to me this way in front of my son!” —Angry customer being called out for blatantly cutting in line
5. The narcissist is asked to be accountable for his or her actions.
6. The narcissist suffers a blow to his or her idealized, egotistical self-image (such as when being told he will not be given “exception to the rule”, or be granted “special treatment”).
7. The narcissist is reminded of his or her charade, manipulation, exploitation, inadequacy, shame, or self-loathing.
8. The narcissist feels (fears) not in control of their relational or physical surroundings.
In each of the cases above, narcissistic rage is utilized as a manipulative tool on the outside, and a pain-avoidance device on the inside. Like a spoiled child who throws a tantrum when not catered to, the narcissist attempts to use their “rage” to coerce their targets (victims) to give in. At the same time, the intense “drama” distracts the narcissist from the inner pain and inadequacy of not constantly worshipped on a pedestal (narcissistic supply). The narcissist falls apart, psychologically and emotionally, at the prospect of not being “special," “unique," or “above others."
Destructive Consequences
The heavy price many narcissists pay for their “rage”, as well as for their narcissistic behavior in general, may include one or more of the following:
1. Family Estrangement – Multiple studies have examined the relationship between narcissism and difficult family relationships.
2. Relational Dissolution & Divorce – Research has also shown the tremendous negative impact narcissism has on romantic relationships and marriages.
3. Relationship Cut-Offs – Since narcissists “use” rather than “relate”, they tend to leave many broken relationships behind. Narcissists also experience relationship cut-offs from others feeling let down, disappointed, lied to, used, manipulated, violated, exploited, betrayed, ripped-off, demeaned, invalidated, or ignored.
4. Loneliness and Isolation – Due to the first three factors described above, most narcissists have few, if any healthy, close and lasting relationships. Some higher-functioning narcissists achieve external success in life – at the expense of others – and find themselves lonely at the top.
5. Missed Opportunities – From a lack of true substance and/or connectedness.
6. Financial, Career, or Legal Trouble – From rule breaking, gross irresponsibility, careless indulgence, or other indiscretions.
7. Damaged Reputation – From personal and/or professional lack of credibility, reliability, and trustworthiness.
8. Deep-Seated Fear of Rejection / Being Unimportant – This is the core of narcissistic rage. Many narcissists are constantly hounded by the insecurity that people may not see them as the privileged, powerful, popular, or “special” individuals they make themselves to be, and react intensely when their fears are confirmed. Deep down, many narcissists feel like the “ugly duckling”, even if they painfully don’t want to admit it.
Can a narcissist change for the better? Perhaps. But only if he or she is highly aware, and willing to go through the courageous process of self-discovery. For narcissists no longer willing to play the charade at the cost of genuine relationships and credibility, there are ways to liberate from falsehood, and progressively move toward one’s Higher Self. For those who live or work with narcissists, perceptive awareness and assertive communication are musts to establishing healthy and mutually-respectful relationships. See references below.
© 2018 by Preston C. Ni. All rights reserved worldwide. Copyright violation may subject the violator to legal prosecution.
References
Ni, Preston. How to Successfully Handle Narcissists. PNCC. (2014)
Ni, Preston. A Practical Guide for Narcissists to Change Towards the Higher Self. PNCC. (2015)
Ni, Preston. Understanding Narcissism’s Destructive Impact on Relationships — An Indispensable Reader. PNCC. (2018)
Amen, Daniel. Change Your Brain, Change Your Life. Three River Press. (1999)
Bursten, Ben. The Manipulative Personality. Archives of General Psychiatry, Vol 26 No 4. (1972)
Buss DM, Gomes M, Higgins DS, Lauterback K. Tactics of Manipulation. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, Vol 52 No 6 (1987)
Johnson, Stephen. Humanizing the Narcissistic Style. W. W. Norton & Company. (1987)
Johnson, Stephen. Character Styles. W. W. Norton & Company. (1994)
Ornstein, Paul (ed). The Search for the Self. Selected Writings of Heinz Kohut: 1950-1978. Volume 2. International University Press. (1978)
What about the destructive consequences of narcissistic rage on the recipient?
From personal experience I can tell you that it is utterly frightening and has a long term impact. These people destroy lives.
I am of the same group; a narcissist did extreme damage to my life.
Rather oddly, I have found great help at Al-Anon. - A saying you often hear at meetings is, "Alcoholics only see things as they pertain to themselves". Obviously, the same thing can said of narcissists. I've found the personality traits of alcoholics & narcissists are very similar. Consequently, much of the life help Al-Anon offers can be used to cope with, & heal from, a narcissist .
I suggest this based only on my experience. But if you are hurting & looking for help, it might be at Al-Anon. You will be welcomed.
Amazed that none of the comments point out that our entire country is suffering the effects of narcissistic rage from the potus which is affecting our international relationships.
you are so right. And the damage done will keep us reeling for years.
You are so correct in everything you said and I lived in fear for almost a year. My ex-NPD was finally arrested last night for stealing from me (he cleaned out my bank account and it was my fault because I made him mad) and for communicating threats to me. I feel like a weight has been lifted but still have fear. Thank you for sharing your experience.
I am experiencing first hand the results of this type of behavior. My daughter-in-law, whom I wouldn't have guessed in a million years was a narcissist, showed no signs until after her and my son were married. Within a month after the wedding she came up with the most outrageous reasons to push me out of their lives, (i.e., I hurt her feelings but couldn't give me examples of what. Since my son was in college he has made it clear he didn't want to have children and she agreed, within a month of being married she was telling him she wanted a baby and within the first year she was pregnant. I tried many times to talk to her and build a relationship with her, especially after my first granddaughter was born. After my last attempt, two weeks ago, I experienced her rage. She said the most horrendous things to me. Unfortunately, my son has become distant from me, trying to make her happy and keep his new family together. He is my only child. I'm devastated and just recently started counseling. I'm working towards finding a way to deal with all of this and understanding it all. It's beyond heartbreaking to know that this may never get better, I may never have the relationship I used to have with my son and may never get to see my granddaughter grow up. Unless my daughter-in-law gets the help she needs.
Wow- you are so right, I am fearful to even be around my grand daughter for fear I may say or do something to set her rage into action. She insists she has a mental condition-yes, she does, but no one can expect the world to work around them and what they need. She needs to return to counselling and get back on her medication for her sake and all those in her life!
Well the experience I have had is traumatizing. I think my father,his dad I never met,my deceased hubby ,our son, and current male associate they are Narcissistic. This behavior is seen in both sexes in our society today. My son it happened with the death of grand dad which was my step dad he was the only grandfather he knew and they spent time together suddenly he was removed never to be replaced that was hard on my son. My husband returned into our lives and using drugs made our relationship as a family very rocky. As a result of drug use he died. My father wasn't in my life unless I was the one that made the contact he wasn't in my son life
that was a blessing. Unfortunately, my son was full of rage that family experienced it in many ways; loss many jobs, losing girlfriend and children,educational opportunities on the deans list for two semesters, sleeping on the streets. Today, he has a good job getting his life together. I started dating this year met someone who behaving Narcissistic our relationship friend to being married someday unstable. He is changing things lives in fear all the time. His parents(mom is paranoid schz. and father Narcissistic/bad situation. He talks with me a lot about life. pray for him to heal stay on meds. Encourage him to go back to therapy stop drinking beer while talking medications. pray for them.
The ONLY person you can change is yourself-and sometimes that seems impossible. What you allow will continue?? How do you 'not allow' someone that is an adult (at least in age) to behave the way you do not want? The only thing you can do is remove yourself - if you choose to remove them and they cannot manage, then you may believe they are worse off because of your decision. A woman I knew told her 20 yr. old daughter she had to leave the home as she was doing drugs and causing disruption in other family members-she over dosed on drugs-the mother has never gotten over this and feels guilty. Tough love does NOT always work. Simplistic answers to complex questions such as your comment do not help.
“Unfortunately, my son was full of rage that family experienced it in many ways; loss many jobs, losing girlfriend and children”
I’m sorry that you e been through these experiences with the narcs in your family. I’ve experienced the strange, shocking, and life destroying behavior on all three sides of my family (Father’s side/Mother’s side/ In-laws).From reading I see that your Son has children which means you’re A Grandmother. If you don’t mind me asking are you involved in grandchildren’s lives? Because your grandchildren are definitely the people wh need prayer as well as the one’s you’ve listed. Your Grandchildren are your future and I hope that if you haven’t already that you can let your Grndchildrens Mother know that you understand how your son is and he reason for his behavior. If he’s lost Parental rights to his children then hopefully you can still remain active, take interest, teach them right from wrong and knowing how to treat others, and care for the needs of your grandchildren which is a top priority... because they can be the ones to end the destructiveness of narcissism that has come down the generational lines of your family. God bless you and yours!
Sounds like the majority of the people that I meet on a daily basis. This has been getting progressively worse since the 2000. No wonder our country is in so bad of shape.
Its been this way since the 1960's "ME" Generation that is in power now and doing a good number on America. Most boomers are total narcissists! Never trust these "I'm the best" types, they are hiding something sinister.
You are partly right, are you saying there are many boomers who are just me , me, me? Strong assumption! Most are hiding there selfishness and greed, not sinister but something I would generally avoid. More like dysfunction.
I agree Tom, my dad was a prime example of the me 60's forever had to be on top & controller. I joined the army and got shipped 5000 miles to get away from him & narc passive aggressive step- mother.Your completely right!
Most people that grew up in the 60s (boomers) were more into social justice and fairness than what people seem to be today. There were also less temptations for most of us and in the 60's and 70's one could easily get a job-often one that trained you on the job, so you did not have to carry the weight of student loans. Even on low wages most people could afford a home-We had a total income of $15,000 a year in the early 70's and bought a home for $20,000. Those 'really old' (I am 73) people that are in their 90's could have bought a home for $12,000 (as my parents did). This same home is now selling for almost $500,000. How unjust is that? We are lucky to be able to afford rent in 2019, buying is out of the question for most people-unless of course they have an inheritance or are the top 20% earners in the country.
yes there are mean and selfish people everywhere, with narcissistic tendencies too, but this article isn't about them. it's about people with NPD, or narcissistic personality disorder, which is a mental complex that arises to the point of being a medically classified psychological syndrome, complete with a variety of severe symptoms like mental breakdowns and truly dangerous fits of rage.
i think the author could have been much more clear on that distinction, but having deeply experienced 3 NPD individuals in my own personal life, i can attest everything he describes is right on target and i wish i'd known it many years earlier.
I’ve noticed the same thing how narcissistic behavior has increased since 2000. I am 38 and I constantly go back in my mind from the (eighties-Pre Y2K)and as clear as day like yesterday I don’t remember people being this bad. Now so many narcs have sprung up along with the self centered, disrespectful, and inconsiderate behavior. After 2009 I’ve noticed narcissism had on steroids because I’ve had to “go no contact” with people like I’ve never had before because of their self seeking and destructive behavior.
The Bible has stated our day and time perfectly when it comes to the pervasive growth of narcissistic personality disorder:
2 Timothy 3 New International Version (NIV)
3 But mark this: There will be terrible times in the last days. 2 People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, 3 without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, 4 treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God— 5 having a form of godliness but denying its power. Have nothing to do with such people.
6 They are the kind who worm their way into homes and gain control over gullible women, who are loaded down with sins and are swayed by all kinds of evil desires, 7 always learning but never able to come to a knowledge of the truth. 8 Just as Jannes and Jambres opposed Moses, so also these teachers oppose the truth. They are men of depraved minds, who, as far as the faith is concerned, are rejected. 9 But they will not get very far because, as in the case of those men, their folly will be clear to everyone.
I see this everywhere, its not just the drug users or alcoholics, I have seen this with many people lately. I think the media and TV is responsible for this worldwide - TV is essentially bad and we haven't called out all this intense TV watching, which is basically blinking lights telling people what to do (epileptic America?)
What about the "Anti-narcissist" that acts this way and doesn't want to social contact or the center of mocking attention? All people do these days is mock and criticize. There are so many narcissists now they are branching out into entirely new areas.
Don't go to AA because these days they just push you into religion.
None of this article seems medically relevant.
What it's defining, or trying to, isn't well-defined and sounds like any description of anger but with an extra layer of criticism for a hypothetical person's inner motivations.
The Narcissism qualifier is added arbitrarily to his descriptions. I think this should be taken with some suspicion because it doesn't sound like anything other than pathologizing something normal.
Additionally if you look at the author, he is not a doctor at all, but sells career-coaching seminars.
first of all, hopefully you know that clinical narcissism has little to do with the common portrayal of someone admiring one's own reflection. it's rather a personality disorder very much like what the author describes. i have unfortunately had several narcissists in my life, being attracted to them for their seeming confidence, and then psychologically abused by them at shocking levels once getting to know them. it only in the past 5 years that i've learned what kind of beast they are and how to deal (or not deal) with them.
the article's author is 100% on point. what's described here isn't simply an undesirable personality trait. it's a full blown mental complex that most people don't understand the depths of. moreover, it can manifest differently in each person, comprising a spectrum of triggers and patterns in a particular afflicted person. that makes the generality of this article a wise approach.
no matter what the credentials of the author are, it's advice that could have saved me heaping mountains of trouble if i'd heard it 20 years ago.
Sean Harrigan. I agree completely. I struggled for too many years, recognized certain behaviors, but did not have studies or guidance--or anyone to help me through the maze. Like you, had I had advice, or put a name to the defeating behavior 20+ years ago, I would have been better equipped and aware; thus reducing the significant trauma I have gone through. The residual effects, although diminishing, have been tremendous and currently still learning and becoming free (the SILENCE and lack of feeling/emotion from the narcissist in my life truly turned my life inside out). He has not been physically present for many years but my search for answers has taken me years. I only came across psychopathy and personality behaviors when I looked up the behavior or our President. There simply has been no one to talk with (unless of course I spend money to pay a professional).
Hi guys, narcissist here. Thing is, I fucking love a few (very few) people, and yes, I do give them all kinds of bullshit, but the thing is, I'd actually prefer to NOT give them bullshit, to NOT make it all about me. I have been in therapy for almost a decade and every time I bring it up with my psychologist she is like, "do you care about others?" and I'm like, "Hell yeah!" and she is like, "then you aren't a narcissist." And I do not believe it. I read lists like this and I'm like "I need help, I need to treat her (them) better!" and then...nothing. How do I seek help to listen better? To take her plate when I take mine, to not be full of shit 24/7? Pm me if you have anything constructive for me. Joshua Tree @ Facebook. If it's not constructive than fuck off. If it is...Please and thank you.
I actually get sick of my own crap. I think to myself, can you please shut up for a moment? Can you listen and not make this about you for once? And then...Then sometimes compulsion comes through, and it being connected to insecurity....gods yes, but still, it comes through, like unhidable vomit.
Anonymous wrote:I actually get sick of my own crap. I think to myself, can you please shut up for a moment? Can you listen and not make this about you for once? And then...Then sometimes compulsion comes through, and it being connected to insecurity....gods yes, but still, it comes through, like unhidable vomit.
Hi
I recognise your state as being extremely similar to mine. I would say you are already in a very good position, compared to where I ws for 42 years: realisation.
After realisation, the solution should not be difficult. My realisation came 17 July 2018, it has been only three days, but I have already been able to enact massive differences.
And, yes. Again, you touch on two fundamental aspects: listening and small things. Listening will allow you to empathise and get to know others' wishes and thoughts and expectations and feelings. And it will help you switch off your internal "what's in it for me?" voice. Your agenda will matter less when you listen. You might even learn something. About your daughter, about your wife about your friend, but even about the stranger at bus stop, or the cashier. I have done all this in space of two days, and oh boy, it's exhilarating.
When I realised, I had an out of body experience. For the first time I could see the person I was, objectively, and I HATED THAT PIECE OF SHIT.
The other thing you mention is small things, e.g. Picking up the plate. YES. Stop and do all the small things, they ARE important. Give up some of your unhealthy habits (porn, videogames, random browsing, slacking, etc) and use the time to learn, improve, and slow down on the small things, enjoying the life as it flows, in the present.
Let me know how I goes. Would be good to know this has had a positive impact on your life, and, who knows, we might even become pen pals.
Mario,
Thank you so much for your comment. I had a big turn around in my life on one very special day around the age of 42. I didn't have confidence that it would be permanent at the time, but now - 20 years later - I know it was complete, real and permanent.
Since then, I'm pretty convinced these moments come when they are meant to. All the self-help books will not help until the light goes off in your own mind/life.
So how ya' going since 17 July?
My issue was not narcissism, but I have a 23 year old son dealing with it now (majorly since he was at least 8 or 9, if not always). My hope is that he will have that kind of awakening you describe.
Did something in particular bring your realisation to a head?
Love you know more about your particular path.
Nanci
they do say if you want to know if someones a narcissist just ask them.
How refreshing you are Joshua and you can do it hang in there. The next time your in a moment this is what I do, take a breath, pause and ask the other party "how can we resolve this so we both have resolution ?" Fill in the info you want to consider. God bless you.
Won't you psych please stop talking about Donald Trump! We already _know_ he is a pathological narcissist!
Sounds like a perfect description of Putin's Puppet.
where do I begin...without knowing it was full blown, I've argued to my boyfriend about not listening, turning the tables, dodging confrontations, minimizing and diminishing my feelings, being selfish, not thinking about me, wasting my time, focusing on his stuff, getting overly angry, and it is all boiling down to this. I've started setting boundaries, but I almost feel like I'm dealing with a 10 year old that cant be trusted with the keys, or anything belonging to me. The worst part is I'm slowly letting him know that he is "painting a picture of himself of a person I'd rather see the ugly of now than to pretend he does not exist" meaning he knows I'm on to him, his words do not confuse me, and I see his waiver attempts and I point them out. Secretly I think he trying to meet another woman so he can eventually drop me. But he has to find his back up first. For what will he do left in the cold with no one to rub the frostbite out. Ive witnessed some of his friendships, his past woman relationships all sounded rocky, as if it were their fault or he is clueless why it did not work. Only recently he has cried to me about not listening to his ex, they have a daughter 5yrs, the mother just died of breast/brain cancer. He opened up in a way I have never thought he was capable of expressing about him being ignorant about relationships,and the unspoken due to his stubbornness. Well...I'm two months pregnant, and I kind of see it like your the father, but maybe not the love of my life, and I'm just happy that at 43 I can have a child without having to go to DR's (my ex husband could not get me pregnant) My boyfriend now thinks I'm totally invested and I'm realistically peeling back, and not sure if he is starting to mature in a positive way or is just afraid to lose me because I'm more assertive now and do not fall for the traps he sets at times. Most of the time he is a beautiful spirit, helping people, and a self learner, positive and optimistic. These hormones I have now is making me talk straight from the hip these days.. he's nervous about me. Not sure how to progress though.
any 'transwidow' will recognise this behaviour... pathological narcissism is a classic autogynephile modus operandi but what is the connection?
If this helps a few readers I'll be very satisfied. I think I have narc tendencies because I was an only child Do not think I am implying, please do not, that many only children are narcs. Not saying that!! My family just didn't know how to deal with an only girl. Since I was described as kind and funny, I never knew I had these narc traits. I got older and had some dating issues. Then I decided to change.. It could not be about me
It took years time to listen to everyone I would meet. I was always up to the task, I'm glad I have a great amount of freinds now. Three, kidding. I was not happy with myself when it was mostly about me.
anymore.
I have a narcissistic twenty year old and also feel narcissism in society. I think it's expected, almost. I try to be " not abut me." I succeed but get treated as less than . I don't let it bother me when it's a stranger but the opposite of narcissism doesn't feel nice and comfy.
The narcissist in my family is always in a rage because the house she lives in doesn't clean and repair itself. She always looses her temper when she has to deal with her own messes.
Last month the narcissist wasted money on some shelf brackets that she didn't use. At one point I saw her drop one on the floor and she just looked at it and decided not to pick it up. Not long after, she stepped on the shelf bracket she'd left on the floor, got in a rage and flung it across the room where she will probably step on it again in the future. l'm so tired of picking up after her that I've decided to keep leaving the shelf bracket wherever she throws it so she will keep stepping on it and cursing her bad luck for the rest of her lazy angry life.
I recently had a psychologist who crossed paths with both my parents confirm that they were both narcissists (Validation of my feelings). Narcissists want one thing and one thing only, control. They want to control everyone and everything in their lives. They care about image, they want to have a public image of being perfect, perfection is toxic. Perfect house, family, people, everything. If something is not perfect they will rage. Rage is the greatest resource a narcissist has. If baby elephants are chained up, they do not know they are strong enough to break the chains when they are adults. A child dealing with a raging parent has been conditioned to not stand up to that parent even when they physically are able to defend themselves against that parent and have the power to leave. The other thing is that a narcissist will always put friends instead of family, they want to make a good impression and have a high standing in the community. Everything is always a hassle when it comes to family but never friends. When a Narcissist detects that someone wishes to leave or has already begun the process of alienation and estrangement the narcissist will do everything in their power to apply the guilt by being the nicest possible people on earth. Once they no longer feel that threat the abuse will start over live a never ending cycle. This makes it impossible to leave in some cases. Usually they will divide siblings because a prevention of communication is key to maintaining the power. If siblings talk and compare experiences they will be united and can rebel against the narcissist. This can be done in many ways but the most effective is gossip as they can use anything said, against the person who says it. They will share information in order to gather information to use as a weapon. They may also try to sabotage their children either financially socially or in other ways to prevent independence from said narcissist. The final thing I want to point out is that Narcissism is a skill that can be learnt and taught. The children of narcissist parents may have the behaviours of a narcissist when they are young adults to mid twenties as that is the way they believe the world works until they have spent enough time away from the narcissist they will lear that this is not how the world works. They may or may not grow out of being a narcissist themselves.
I said too much but this is what I have observed. You need to develop a support network and escape from these people before it's too late. Usually this ends with the death of said parent.
I am currently going through a divorce with my soon to be ex-wide after I finally initiated the proceedings for the second time.
Every single point brought up in the article described my wife to a tee: regular anger outbursts when something would not go her way with me being blamed (example: stagnant career - my fault because I moved the family for a new opportunity after she quit her job without discussing with me beforehand because the manager was beneath her, then turning down new opportunities I used my professional connections to help her find etc.). The blame for her career choices has been placed squarely on my shoulders and has manifested itself in the form of out-of-the-blue late night hour long rage episodes directed at me right before bed time. This would be followed with me being kicked out of the bedroom and demands I apologize to her the next day. I have never received an apology from her for these unprovoked verbal assaults (which included profanity directed at me).
I was raised in a functional, perfectly normal family, yet the moment we married, my wife tried to convince me that they are horrid people (with no specific reasons given) and that we need to keep our distance even though I have always had good relations with all of them. Every time I'd try to arrange for visits she would find reasons why we would not have time to see them (yet we would see her family, where alcoholism is a generational issue, regularly, no questions asked). When my father passed away from cancer, she berated me for attending his funeral even though she urged me not to go, because I had more important matters to attend to at home (not true). She even had the nerve to insult my mother and speculate that her husband must have had extramarital affairs amongst other insults (not true, but something that my father in law had a history with). Once the fallout set in from her behavior, she would give me the choice to prove my loyalty to either choose her or my relatives. I refused to play this rigged, dirty game of hers.
Similar incidents involved my friends and even colleagues until I felt cut off from any personal friends and relatives. I no longer wanted to maintain my connections for fear of more embarrassing scenes in front of others and outright rage outbursts afterwards in private.
I am finally going through the divorce process and she is flip-flopping between anger outbursts and then sending me old pictures of us when we were "happy" and how I can do this to the family.
I am convinced that if I don't get out of this relationship, my health will deteriorate from all the stress and constant apprehension when I am around her within the next ten years.
The bit about damaged reputation is so true. I'm dealing with a narcissist who will throw away someone's respect for her for the gratification of having a temper tantrum over something so trivial that she won't even remember it tomorrow. She is just like the parent who turned her into a narcissist. They will scream and abuse people over tiny annoyances like not gettimg the desert they want and then feel like victims because people don't respect them after seeing their tantrums. If my older sibling behaved decently for a while, I might come to feel a little respect for her but she ruined ot agaim today by cussing me out when I hadn't done anything wrong. What a cow.
I think both my parents are. Esp my mom. I get I am a huge pain in the ass but she is mad all the time at everyone. She says it is because she is menopausal which scares me bc I don't want to be like that. But she has always been mad. She does buy me stuff all the time. But I don't even want it half the time, because then a week later she yelling at me for taking advantage of her.
Like she refuses to hug me cuz she will get gay germs and is always yelling you are going to answer to god for this. She can never forgive me because she stole my diaries from years and years ago and found out how I felt about her and some very personal stuff. I am like yeah that is what get for stealing my diary .She is also mad that I have all these lady friends that I am friends with and constantly brings us how she is gonna tell them how I really am .... and she gave birth to me and I ruined her figure.
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