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There are people in the workplace who have developed a relationship closer than friendship. One co-worker described: James isn’t just my co-worker; he’s MY person at work. My go-to. I share things with him that I don’t share with others in the office—and he does the same with me. I trust him. He trusts me. We have a special, close, platonic, emotional bond. We’re loyal, honest, and supportive of one another. I respect him and he respects me.
Some people label this person a “work spouse” (or “work wife/husband”). You might have heard this term and wondered what it’s all about. Communication researchers Chad McBride of Creighton University and Allison Thorson of the University of San Francisco joined me to write about work-spouse relationships. They have studied communication in this unconventional pairing that can bring many positives and, at the same time, have the potential to be misunderstood.
What Is a Work Spouse?
Chad McBride and colleague Karla Bergen defined a work spouse as a “special, platonic friendship with a work colleague characterized by a close emotional bond, high levels of disclosure and support, and mutual trust, honesty, loyalty, and respect” (2015, p. 502). The number of work spouses has increased due to: (a) active organizational efforts to encourage employee camaraderie, (b) longer hours spent working, in person or remotely, and (c) cultural tendencies to name and define relationships.
As I discussed in an earlier post, relationship labels help members and others understand social closeness and expectations. Labeling someone a work spouse helps members of this relationship, co-workers, and people outside the office better understand the close connections of these colleagues. This helps everyone figure out what to think, do, and say (and not) regarding these relationships.
Work-spouse relationships are more likely to form when people experience (a) similarities, (b) compatibility, (c) complementarity (strength of opposites), and/or (d) availability and physical proximity (McBride & Bergen, 2015). Work spouses start as friends and grow naturally over time. Rather than seek work spouses, partners come to recognize and (often) label the special bond that has formed. For instance, two doctoral students began seeing themselves as work spouses after their major professor appreciated their positive influence on each other and began referring to them as “Mr. and Mrs. Sociology.”
What Makes a Work-Spouse Relationship Special?
A work spouse is a rare gem that can help make a difficult workplace more bearable and a positive work environment extraordinary. These relationships form within different professions, often between those with interdependent roles, such as firefighters, military personnel, and teaching teams (McBride et al., 2020b). Work-spouse relationships occur independent of employees’ (a) sexuality, (b) romantic relationship status, (c) nationality, and/or (d) personality (Thorson & McBride, 2023).
What Are the Advantages of Having a Work Spouse?
Having a work spouse can be a great benefit to organizations, for example, influencing higher levels of employee commitment (Thorson & McBride, 2023). Individuals with a work spouse report improved work effectiveness and feelings of connectedness. Given the genuine care they have for each other, work spouses provide one another a safe place to communicate and confide their concerns without embarrassment or fear. Work spouses help improve performance by giving candid and honest feedback. They offer a safety net where individuals can let their guard down and provide an escape from the pressures of the office environment (McBride et al., 2020a).
Work spouses often function as a team and can protect one another, anticipating information or actions that are potentially hurtful or punitive. They provide an outlet for venting frustrations, celebrating successes, and navigating the complexities of organizational dynamics. Work spouses can be highly beneficial in the work environment and in life outside the organization.
What Are the Challenges of Having a Work Spouse?
Work-spouse relationships are often misunderstood and motives for being in them can be questioned. First, some skeptics believe “work spouse” is a cover for romance or sexual attraction. However, researchers stress that these are platonic relationships formed among all different types of employees and often among people who would not be sexually or romantically attracted to one another (e.g., a gay man and a straight female or two straight women).
Second, people in work-spouse relationships can be disadvantaged or stigmatized if their relationship becomes fodder for gossip or negative evaluation at work or outside of work. In addition, work spouses may be viewed by co-workers or management as a unit, making it difficult to have their individual contributions recognized.
Third, some resistance to work spouses comes from the label itself, as some object to using family terms for work relationships. They perceive using terms such as “spouse,” “husband,” or “wife” to be a violation of their home relationships, as this person explained, “The term spouse is sacred. I only have one spouse and I’m married to them.”
Final Thoughts
Labeling a colleague as a work spouse communicates to them and others this person occupies a unique and significant space in your life. The labels for, and nature of, the work-spouse role will remain in flux. Changes in gender roles, multicultural work teams, and the increase of people working from home will likely affect how the work-spouse role develops and plays out.
In the best of circumstances, work spouses can be an important source of well-being and positive identity. They can help navigate challenges, share professional and personal joys, and seek (and give) support and comfort. While there may be internal and external challenges, healthy long-term work spouses feel more understood, valued, and connected to their career path and organization, making that long commute or dull team meeting more tolerable and enjoyable.
Facebook/LinkedIn image: Just Life/Shutterstock
References
McBride, M. C., & Bergen, K. M. (2015). Work spouses: Describing and understanding a “new” relationship. Communication Studies, 66(5)
McBride, M. C., Thorson, A. R., & Bergen, K. M. (2020a). An examination of individually performed and (co)managed facework: Unique communication within the work-spouse relationship. Communication Studies, 71(4).
McBride, M. C., Thorson, A. R., & Bergen, K. M. (2020b). Privacy rule decision criteria: An examination of core and catalyst criteria that shape disclosures in the work-spouse relationship. Management Communication Quarterly, 34(4).
Thorson, A. R., & McBride, M. C. (2023). Self-monitoring and other non-indicators of developing a work-spouse relationship: Implications for affective organizational commitment. International Journal of Business Communication, 60(3).
