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Key points
- Wanting to be happy is a valid reason to divorce.
- It is better for children to come from a divorced household than a home where parents fight constantly.
- Reflecting on five key questions can help guide people as they contemplate divorce.
If recent best sellers are any indication, divorce is having a moment. From Liz Lenz’s This American Ex-Wife to Maggie Smith’s We Can Make This Place Beautiful, the veil is being lifted (pun intended) on divorce. Yes, divorce can elicit sadness, even if wanted. Yes, divorce is tricky to navigate for a host of reasons, especially with children. But divorce can also be a liberating experience and healthy for the entire family system.
A theme throughout these books isn’t that the authors’ divorces were easy but that despite being hard and messy for them and their children, it was necessary and beneficial for their well-being. In fact, children benefit when they have happily married and emotionally healthy parents, something that isn’t possible when parents are stuck in an unhealthy marriage, mistakenly thinking that “sticking it out” is good “for the kids.” In fact, research reveals that children are often better off when parents divorce rather than being raised in an intact, but conflictual family.
As many women read these books, they’ll likely see themselves in them. The marriage rocked by infidelity, the slow-drifting and death by a thousand cuts of being overlooked, ignored, and unloved, or the realization that they shouldn’t have married in the first place. However, women reading these books may also think, “Well, my marriage is not that bad” or “Look at so-and-so; they have it so much worse.” Women often use this social comparison in search of a silver lining to justify staying in an otherwise miserable marriage.
Women are socialized to believe that their happiness, their self-worth, and their lives aren’t important in their own right, especially when weighed against the costs of divorce—emotional, psychological, and financial. This calculus doesn’t hold up, however, when we start to view our own happiness, our own well-being, our independence and freedom as meaningful, important, and worthwhile benefits.
And yes, as an added bonus, a happy mom and dad does benefit children, but does that have to be part of every equation? Can a woman, regardless of if she is a mother or not, not seek her own happiness? Isn’t that worth enough?
Similar to the authors of these books, as middle age marches on, I know more and more women who are divorcing, contemplating divorce, or continually lamenting their bad marriages. Deciding on a divorce isn’t an easy or instant decision, and some folks take years to finally make the call, although many will tell you they wish they did it sooner. But if you’re unhappy in your marriage and considering what the future could look like, here are five questions to ask yourself:
1. Does my partner make me feel safe?
Partners should be a haven for emotional, physical, and psychological safety. A place where you feel comfortable bringing up and discussing fraught, contradictory, or complex emotions and thoughts. This isn’t to say a partner should be a therapist, but your partner should be a safe space for you to share without being dismissed, belittled, judged, or shamed. Not feeling safe with a partner or that you can’t be yourself around them is a red flag.
2. Does my partner listen to me?
Does your partner listen to what you say and respond accordingly? According to Dr. John Gottman, partners have three options when we engage in an emotional bid, an attempt at connection: turning toward, turning away, and turning against. Turning toward is when a partner acknowledges, validates, and responds to your bid. Turning away is when a partner ignores your emotional bid, leading to disconnection, and worse yet is turning against, when your partner not only dismisses the bid but also mocks or belittles it, often leading to conflict and contempt.
For instance, if you had a long, frustrating day and tell your partner, “Ugh, my day was rough. I am spent.” Turning toward would be your partner embracing you and saying, “I’m sorry, sweetie, do you want to talk about it while I rub your feet?” Turning away would look like a partner saying, “Sorry, babe,” while continuing to scroll through their phone, and turning against would be a partner chuckling and saying, “You thought you had a rough day? OK, sure,” and leaving the room.
Sure, we all likely engage in turning away and turning against from time to time, but if these happen more often than turning toward, it may be a sign your partner doesn’t listen to you.
3. Does my partner care about my needs?
Does your partner care about what you want or need when making decisions? Or are all decisions based on their needs or made to not upset them? Something as little as where to get takeout from on a Friday night or bigger decisions like where to move for a job should take into account both partners' wants and needs.
If your partner regularly ignores, dismisses, or even worse gaslights your needs, or you feel like you are constantly walking on eggshells and acquiescing to your spouse, it may be a sign that something needs to change.
4. Is my pleasure important to my partner?
Does your partner worry about your pleasure when being intimate? Is sex or non-sexual affection focused only on your partner’s needs and pleasure? Does your partner only focus on their orgasm during sex or make you feel like it’s your problem if you don’t orgasm instantaneously or simultaneously (which, spoiler alert, is not the norm for most women)? Does your partner care about what you like or don’t like during intimate acts? Or ensure that they receive consent from you, even if you're married?
If your pleasure and consent are routinely ignored or dismissed, it might be a sign your partner isn’t invested in you. Bad sex, both functionally and emotionally, isn’t just par for the course in a marriage. But good sex requires a partner who listens, prioritizes your needs, and makes you feel safe.
5. Am I the best version of myself in this relationship?
Do you find yourself being more positive, joyful, and happy outside of your partner’s presence, yet when together you’re negative, crabby, and otherwise unhappy? If your partner elicits negative emotions from you rather than making you feel your best, it might be a sign this relationship is either in need of repair or dissolution.
Deciding to divorce is a personal decision and not one that many take lightly. However, being miserable in a marriage isn’t inevitable. Marriage should be a partnership with someone you actually like, who continues to evolve with you and accepts you as is. Sometimes folks grow apart, sometimes a relationship has run its course, and other times, the relationship probably shouldn’t have made it to this point in the first place. Divorce isn’t a failure, despite what society sometimes tries to tell us: Divorce is choosing yourself, putting yourself first—a decision that is hard for a lot of women, but worth it.
