Verified by 
Perfectionism
“Dad, if I Get a B I Feel Like I’ve Failed”
Helping your college student combat the perils of perfectionism
Posted July 16, 2016
Does your college student tell you, “If I don’t get all As, I’ll never get into medical school,” or “I’m too embarrassed to go to the fitness center because everyone is in better shape than I am”? If he feels what he does or how he looks is never good enough, he might be suffering from too much perfectionism.
You’ve probably heard the song “Under Pressure” by Queen and David Bowie. I think of this song while I provide psychiatric care to college students, who are under increasing pressure to be perfect - to maintain high grades, have a busy social life, look great, all while appearing calm and collected.
What, you might wonder, is the problem with perfectionism? Here is the trap of perfectionism: when we set the goal to be perfect, we are bound to fail, because we cannot do everything right all the time. Aiming for excellence, for the best you can be, is a far healthier approach to the world than trying to be perfect.
Perfectionism is bad for your mental health. Studies have found increased perfectionistic traits in those who died by suicide. Newspaper articles in the last few years have highlighted the link between perfectionism and suicide on highly competitive college campuses.
What contributes to this pressure to be perfect?
Grades matter now more than ever. College students face a competitive job and graduate school market, while student debt skyrockets. They feel extra pressure to get into the best graduate school or find a high paying job.
The pressure to look good has never been higher, as demonstrated by the increase in eating disorders in both men and women on college campuses. Studies have linked social media to this increase in body image disturbance, as people compete to have more attractive posts on sites like Facebook, Instagram, and Snapchat.
How does perfectionism impact college students?
Studies find perfectionistic traits increase the risk of anxiety, depression and eating disorders. Here is what I see in my office.
The Depressed Perfectionist: Alan, a freshman pre-med, had all As in high school. When he gets an F on his first chemistry test, he feels overwhelmed. His roommate suggests he get a tutor but Alan thinks he should be able to succeed on his own by studying harder. He gets a D on the next exam. He is so upset that he stops going to his classes and often stays in bed playing video games. He comes to see me near the end of the semester for treatment of depression. He has been too embarrassed to tell his parents what is going on.
The Anxious Perfectionist: Sheila studies most of the time in pursuit of a 4.0 GPA. She has very little time for a social life. When she forgets to turn in an assignment for one class, she ends up with a B. She is devastated and she starts to have panic attacks every day, worrying she will forget to turn in another assignment. She comes to me for treatment of her anxiety.
The Body Dissatisfied Perfectionist: Lisa, an all A student, enjoys spending time with friends. She does not think she has a problem, but comes to see me at the urging of her sorority sisters, who believe she is too thin. She obsessively counts calories and weighs herself daily. When she looks at herself in the mirror, she thinks she is overweight.
Alan, Sheila, and Lisa recover by pursuing comprehensive mental health treatment that includes changing their perfectionistic approach to life. If you recognize these traits in your child, you can encourage him to seek treatment at the campus counseling center.
Here are additional steps you can take to help your college student avoid the destructive effects of perfectionism.
1. Reveal a time you failed at something or came up short. Describe how badly you felt at the time, and the actions you took to solve the problem. You might have failed your first engineering class, but stayed in engineering with the help of a tutor. Alternatively, you may have found teaching was your passion, and pursued that course of study.
2. Evaluate whether you are putting too much pressure on your child, and be realistic about his strengths and weaknesses. You might think he would be the greatest pediatrician in the world, but if he’s struggling in his pre-med classes, recommend he explore other options at the career resource center on campus.
3. Encourage her to use campus resources if she is doing poorly in a class. She can meet with a tutor, the course professor, or an adviser for help and advice.
4. Teach your child that health comes before perfection. I see many students sacrifice sleep and food for studies, but it is not worth it. If she cannot keep up with classes and get adequate sleep and meals, suggest she take a lighter course load. Encourage her to pursue wellness through yoga or exercise at the campus fitness center.
Most importantly, model for your child balance in your own life. Aim for excellence, and forgive yourself for mistakes. Don’t expect yourself to be a perfect parent. Parent with love, compassion, and curiosity.
©2016 Marcia Morris, All Rights Reserved
Details have been altered to protect patient privacy.
If you’re interested in reading about a particular topic regarding college wellness and your child’s mental health, please email me at marciamorrismd@gmail.com (link sends e-mail) (link sends e-mail)
