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Key points
- Parents must find the right balance in terms of involvement, direction, and protection.
- The actions seen in “helicoptering” are fundamentally valuable, but overdoing it is problematic.
- Research confirms that children raised by hovering parents struggle with the demands of growing up.
We’ve all heard the stories. Your neighbor’s 30-year-old son still lives in the basement with a dead-end job, despite any perceivable cognitive difficulties. Your friend’s niece hits 16 and is terrified to learn to drive, even on a quiet neighborhood street. A colleague mentions they still file tax returns for their 24-year-old daughter because it’s “too frustrating for her.” Is it just me, or is helplessness on the rise among young adults?
Educators and psychologists have used a variety of images to describe this parenting practice most of us know as the “helicopter parent,” also referred to as the hovering parent and snowplow parent, all of which underscore the excessive closeness, protection, and/or control associated with this sort of parenting. More academic types describe such behavior as intrusive, controlling, or directive. Regardless of its title or descriptor, overinvolved parenting is not a benefit developmentally—at any stage of child-rearing—and keeps young people from developing into independent, resilient members of society.
Before learning why it’s problematic, it’s worth figuring out if you might be “hovering” yourself.
Answer "Yes” or “No” to the following questions:
- Do you pay excessive attention to your child's every move and experience?
- Do you constantly instruct your child on what to say and do?
- Do you have trouble letting go of your child?
- Are you overly protective?
- Do you quickly intervene if your child has problems with peers, teachers, or coaches?
- Are you overly involved in your child's daily life?
- Do you have trouble being actively engaged in your own activities and passions when away from your child?
- Do you find yourself unhappy in your own life away from your child—in your marriage, career, friendships, and extended family?
- Do you demand that your child “achieve” in sports, school, extracurricular activities, or socially?
- Will you be upset if your child does not meet your standards for achievement or success?
- Do you have very high expectations for your child generally?
- Do you monitor your child's behavior and activities obsessively?
If you answered “yes” to the majority of these questions, then you might be a helicopter parent. If so, it is probably a good idea to rethink your parenting posture and consider making changes in how you interact with your child.
The Downside of Overparenting
There are both benefits and risks associated with too much engagement. Of course, the appropriate level of involvement with your child is often difficult to know. Let’s see what the results of overparenting look like.
Children of overly involved parents often do well academically, and many such children are recognized early on for specific talents or skills. Johnny, who receives two hours of tutoring from his mother every afternoon, masters his math facts quicker than his peers. Jodie has never forgotten to return a library book—her father sits down every morning with her to check every item in her backpack and in her planner. This has earned her “stars” from teachers. These are positive outcomes, for sure, but at what cost?
Overly involved parenting is also associated with these negative outcomes:
- Low self-confidence
- Deficient self-esteem and accompanying insecurity
- An attitude of entitlement
- Poor self-concept
- Less-than-ideal independence
- Overreliance on adults and adult direction
- Emotional immaturity
- Poor coping skills (difficulties dealing with failure and disappointment)
- Underdeveloped impulse control
- Immature social relationships
- Hostility toward parents over their efforts to control
These negative qualities in a child can certainly be problematic and can feed on themselves going forward. Recent studies show that helicopter parenting can contribute to higher levels of anxiety and depression. These outcomes are common in today’s high-pressure world of school, extra-curricular, and athletic achievement. For example, Susan struggles with independent tasks and test anxiety, so her mother’s solution is to oversee every aspect of her homework, often sitting with her in the library after school for hours. The child’s anxiety worsens to the point that the idea of receiving a B on an assignment sends her into a panic, and she expresses to the teacher that her mother “will kill her” if she brings that paper home. Jorge’s father encourages his son to be his best on the lacrosse field, so he hires private athletic coaches for him and frequently tells him stories of famous athletes. At an important game, Jorge chokes on the field, and his father stands dumbstruck in the audience, wondering where he went wrong.
Ironically, helicopter parents often prevent the development of the very skills they want to develop (the emotional “toughness” and drive that helps a child achieve). Overmanagement often has a ripple effect in academics and athletics.
The Upside of Helicoptering
In a sense, overparenting results in short-term achievements, frequently evidenced in early success and recognition for specific gains in childhood. Such accomplishments are typically considered worthy of pride and are often highly valued by parents as recognition of their parenting prowess without an awareness of long-term consequences.
For example, excessive parental intervention may make Bobby’s mastery of early social skills impressive, but that overly controlling parenting behavior may interfere with his later ability to manage his emotions and behavior. Research confirms that children raised by hovering parents may be less able to deal with the challenging demands of growing up. Struggling to regulate their emotions and behavior effectively, such children have a harder time making friends, struggle in school, and are more likely to be disruptive in the classroom. Giving children the opportunities to learn to manage emotions and behavior is critical and is better done sooner rather than later. Clearly, limiting those opportunities comes at an increasing developmental cost.
Correcting Helicoptering by Finding the Right Balance in Involvement, Assistance, Direction, and Protection
It is important for parents to understand how overparenting interferes with healthy child development, given the parental belief that parental involvement is generally good for the child. This is true in a global sense since it is good for children to feel loved, to be encouraged, and to experience support. However, too much of a good thing can often be a negative influence.
The mechanics of parenting involve differing roles, all of which can be problematic if either over- or underdone:
- Nurturing = meeting the child's physical and emotional needs
- Educating = teaching the child needed skills, abilities, and competencies
- Disciplining = limiting and modifying a child's behavior through structure and rules
- Supporting = assisting and helping the child’s development
- Protecting = ensuring the child’s safety
While the intentions and actions seen in “helicoptering” are fundamentally valuable, it is the overdoing of each that is problematic. Parents can overdo all of the mechanics. Parents must let the child struggle some and help when their frustration grows too large. When Bobby is trying to follow the directions of a difficult Lego set, let him struggle a bit before offering help. Parents must protect their child when the threat is dangerous but allow negative outcomes when painful but not catastrophic. When Suzy has some trouble forming a Grecian temple out of clay for her history project, let her make an imperfect creation rather than taking over. Developing competence through age-appropriate struggle is good for children
Parents must work to find the right balance in terms of involvement (i.e., engagement), assistance (i.e., helping), direction (i.e., instruction), and protection (i.e., insuring safety). It is the degree or “dose” that must be considered, and it is always difficult to know for certain. However, overinvolved parents can be confident that “too much” of a good thing can actually be harmful.
Note: A version of this post also appears at drmaryannlittle.com.
