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Key points
- Many of today's parents grew up in good homes, but with a shortage of a vital ingredient: emotional attention.
- Emotionally neglected parents cannot give their children what they didn't get themselves as a child.
- Emotionally neglected parents can learn to give their children the emotional attention they need.
Nicole moved into her house just last year. The second she saw the backyard, she knew she wanted to make a garden in the spring. She was so excited, envisioning her garden in full bloom with cascading flowers and fresh vegetables. When the time came to plant, she was diligent—watering and checking on the garden every day, eager to watch it grow.
But, to Nicole’s dismay, her plants didn’t thrive. One day in late summer, a neighbor stopped by to chat with Nicole while she was in her garden. “I just don’t get it,” Nicole remarked. “Look at all your beautiful flowers!” Nicole pointed to her neighbor’s yard with a confused look on her face. Her neighbor responded kindly, saying pruning and mulching were the key to her blooming flowers, and then walked off.
Nicole stood in her garden feeling awful. This was Nicole’s first house. She never had a garden before. She grew up in an apartment and never even had a yard as a child. Gardens she’d seen were on car rides or in movies. Pruning and mulching? she thought to herself. If only I’d known…
Nicole had such good intentions. She cared for her garden the best way she knew, but it wasn’t what the garden needed to flourish.
Below, you’ll see that Dean and April have similarities to Nicole’s experience but with something much more important than plants… their children.
Dean
Dean as a child: Dean’s father was loving and kind, but he worked 12-hour days, six days a week, to provide for the family. This left Dean in the care of his mother, who abused alcohol and would become physically, verbally, and emotionally violent. Dean lived in fear, fighting off his mom and fending for himself.
Dean as a father: Dean made it his life’s mission to give his child a better upbringing. He makes sure to treat her not in the abusive ways that he experienced growing up. With no involvement from his parents, he is now a very involved parent. He requires his daughter to play an instrument and take part in different extracurriculars. He’s been taking her on college visits to Ivy League schools to ensure that her future is bright.
April
April as a child: April was the oldest of six children. Her parents often called her to take on some of their duties—driving her siblings to their after-school events, babysitting, and taking charge of meals and bedtimes. She loved her siblings, but she sometimes felt burdened by the tasks she had on her plate. April wasn’t engaged in school and didn’t have her own activities. She felt like she could not live a carefree life as a teenager.
April as a mother: April wants to give her three boys the childhood she wished she had. She encourages her boys to be involved in sports and social events. She says that they are children and not in charge of one another.
Well-Meaning-But-Neglected-Themselves Parents
It is difficult to compare Dean's and April’s stories because Dean was raised with significant abuse while April was not. But, if you look closely, their stories are similar in important ways.
Dean and April are making a deliberate effort to give their children better lives than they had. For Dean, this means giving his child love, attention, and freedom from abuse. For April, this means giving her sons what she didn’t get: the opportunity to enjoy their childhoods. Their intentions are loving and pure and good. And yet, there’s another factor that connects Dean and April that’s invisible. It has profoundly affected their lives and is being transferred, silently and unseen, through them and onto the next generation.
It’s childhood emotional neglect.
All abuse involves emotional neglect, but not all emotional neglect involves abuse. Because Dean was abused by his mother, he automatically grew up with severe emotional neglect. His father was loving, but he wasn’t physically present enough to notice or respond to Dean’s feelings. His father did not protect him from the abuse he endured. Neither of his parents was attuned to Dean’s emotional needs. No one asked him
- What are you feeling? Let's talk about it.
- What is it that you need?
- Is there something you want?
- Why are you feeling sad, or angry, or hurt?
Dean remembers his mother’s violence, just as he remembers his dad’s love. He doesn’t remember the emotional neglect, because it’s unseen and unknown. Since he didn’t get emotional attunement from his parents, it doesn’t even occur to him that his child needs this from him. He can’t give his daughter what he doesn’t know he needed himself as a child.
April was raised by loving parents, without any abuse. But she didn’t have her parents asking how she was feeling. They didn’t know she felt burdened and frustrated as the oldest sibling. She learned that her feelings and her needs weren’t important. She learned to brush them to the side and put others before herself. Just as Dean was not asked the questions above, April didn’t either. She doesn’t often notice her sons’ feelings or ask them how they feel or what they need. She is focused on giving them opportunities, but her focus is not on helping them explore what they feel, want, need, prefer, or desire. She doesn’t even know that she should be.
Dean and April are both what I call WMBNT parents: well-meaning but neglected themselves. They grew up with childhood emotional neglect, and they are now unknowingly passing it on to their kids.
Ending the Cycle of Childhood Emotional Neglect
Dean, April, and Nicole all have a crucial thing in common: They care. So many WMBNT parents would be devastated to know the impact their emotional neglect is having on their children. But herein lies good news: All WMBNT parents can stop the cycle of neglect.
Dean and April can learn the emotional skills they missed and heal their childhood emotional neglect. I know this because I’ve seen it firsthand. All of the amazing folks I work with in my psychology practice have this goal of healing in mind. With some help, they are learning to understand the importance of emotions and how to identify, validate, manage, and express their feelings for their health and relationships.
With some education and patience, Nicole figured out just what her garden needed. By the following summer, her plants were vibrant and thriving.
You, and your children, can be, too.
© Jonice Webb, Ph.D.
References
To determine if you might be living with the effects of childhood emotional neglect, you can take the free Emotional Neglect Questionnaire. You'll find the link in my bio.
