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Key points
- Emotional neglect often hides inside of a relationship, which enables it to do more damage under the radar.
- Acknowledging that the emotional neglect comes from childhood and looking at it in a blame-free way is key.
- Once you've identified the problem, there are specific things you can do to emotionally enrich your marriage.
Luke and Lilly have been married for 14 years. Lilly has a job that she loves, but each time she walks through the front door after a day’s work, she feels a nagging feeling inside of her. She feels content and discontent at the same time. She knows what the evening has in store—cooking dinner, eating with Luke, and watching their favorite show before going to sleep, a comfortable and familiar routine.
Lilly loves Luke, but she feels as though there’s an invisible barrier between the two of them. She often wonders what he’s thinking, but she also doesn't feel like she can ask. They talk about what happens at work and the busy lives of their children, but the conversations stay surface-level. It’s as if something is missing; like a cloud exists over their house, creating unease and grayness inside.
If you relate to Luke and Lilly, you may also be experiencing emotional distance in your relationship. What is the invisible barrier that blocks you from your partner? It may very well be the effects of childhood emotional neglect.
Childhood emotional neglect happens when your parents fail to notice, respond to, or validate your emotions enough as they raise you. When children grow up with their feelings treated as unimportant, they learn to live essentially emotion-free in an emotional world.
The effects of childhood emotional neglect in adulthood are profound. Emotionally neglected adults can feel empty, different from others, and alone in the world. They have trouble forming meaningful relationships, as their lack of emotional awareness and knowledge blocks them from connecting with others on a deep, personal level.
Childhood emotional neglect is invisible and difficult to identify. If you think you or your partner has been touched by childhood emotional neglect, then that emotional neglect most likely lives inside your relationship today.
3 Indications Emotional Neglect Is Impacting Your Relationship
1. You feel lonely
A key feature of emotional neglect in a relationship is feeling alone while you are with your partner. This type of loneliness often manifests when there’s a lack of emotional depth. Emotionally neglected couples connect in superficial ways—talking about their days at work, common interests, plans or trips or schedules, kids or pets.
True emotional depth requires conversations about your feelings, desires, preferences, and beliefs, a willingness to clash and hash out feelings and needs. Without this, your relationship can feel empty, as if something is missing. If you feel lonely in your relationship, chances are high that your relationship is impacted by emotional neglect.
2. You don’t fight
It might sound counterintuitive, but couples who fight the least are often the ones experiencing the most difficulty. When emotional neglect exists inside a relationship, important feelings and needs are not acknowledged or expressed. Much is left unsaid, and you may feel like things are “swept under the rug.” Sure, there may be little fighting, but there’s also little opportunity to build up a mutual trust that you can have difficult conversations, use choice words, or allow emotions to get the best of you, and still come together stronger in the end.
Fighting, or sharing painful emotions, is a sign of emotional health and connection. Arguing shows that you are willing to express yourself and your opinion, and most likely feel comfortable doing so. This means you are able to tolerate the discomfort of conflict and confront rather than avoid important conversations. It means that you feel that your partner and your relationship are worth it to you.
3. You don’t use your partner for support
When you hear big news, positive or negative, who is the first person you want to share it with?
If your partner isn’t your answer, it’s important to reflect on why. Are they not around when you need them? Do they say the wrong thing? Do you fear their reaction? Do you think they’ll lack interest? Do you question if they even want to be your go-to person?
If you are answering yes to some of these questions, I encourage you to consider what’s going on in your marriage and to take this seriously. These issues in your relationship are important to address. Having a couples therapist assist you in communicating about these deeper topics can be life-changing.
If you want your partner to be your support person or if you suspect your partner wants to be your support person, please keep reading. You can build the skills to grow your emotional connection. Many times, people simply don’t know where to start.
From Emotionally Neglected to Emotionally Connected: 3 Steps Toward Healing
1. Take ownership
Reflect upon how you might be contributing to or maintaining emotional disconnection. Are you emotionally aware? Are you able to identify and express your feelings to your partner? Are you willing to work on your emotion skills? What are you willing to do (or not do) to heal your relationship?
2. Explore how you have been affected by childhood emotional neglect
Learn everything you can about childhood emotional neglect, how it happens, and how it affects adults. If you can, talk with a friend, therapist, or family member about your experience. By understanding how your emotional needs went unmet in childhood, you can then begin to understand how this may be impacting you and your relationships today.
3. Talk openly with your partner
Share what you are learning about childhood emotional neglect with your partner. Or, if your partner is the one who grew up with childhood emotional neglect, make an effort to be there for them. Give them a listening ear, and get curious about how they have been taught to deal with their feelings.
Below are some ways to bring up the topic with your partner:
“I love you so much, and sometimes I find myself wishing we could be even closer. Do you ever feel that way, too?”
“I recently read an article about childhood emotional neglect. Something about it has really stuck with me. Are you up for reading it? I’d love to talk about it with you.”
“I realized that I go to my friends when something is wrong, but I would actually like it if I went to you more. Would you like that?
Lilly started to read about childhood emotional neglect. She began to see that Luke had most likely been touched by it in childhood. Slowly, she started introducing some emotions into their conversations. “The most disappointing thing happened to me at work today…” she’d say over dinner. She made a point to ask Luke questions that would allow for an open-ended response and made sure she was listening, validating, and encouraging whatever responses he gave.
Eventually, she shared with Luke her discovery of childhood emotional neglect and sent him some articles that he could read. Luke was cautious but open. Talking about it instead of living with the invisible force that is emotional neglect shifted the energy in their house. Lilly started to feel like she could ask Luke what was on his mind and get a meaningful response. It wasn’t perfect, it was only a start, but they were making progress.
Like Lilly and Luke, you, too, can make progress in your relationship. Instead of settling for a hovering cloud tinting your shared world gray, you and your spouse can face the problem and follow the steps toward healing your emotional neglect. A world of color and warmth will open up to you.
© Jonice Webb, Ph.D.
References
To determine if you might be living with the effects of childhood emotional neglect, you can take the free Emotional Neglect Questionnaire. You'll find the link in my bio.
