How Targeted Parents Should Respond to Unfair Accusations

Going through a divorce is usually a very challenging life event filled with big decisions, new beginnings, and lots of uncertainty. Custody battles can be all this, and then some—like divorce on steroids.

One of the many troubling aspects of disputed custody cases for parents is the fear that the other parent is trying to turn their child against them to gain an advantage in the court case; that is, that they will become the targeted parent in the other parent's alienation efforts. Although only a small percent of U.S. children become severely alienated, some data suggests that about 80 percent of all divorces with children involve at least some alienation behaviors on the part of one or both parents (Bernet, 2010)

One of the (many, many) hard things about being a targeted parent is that your child often has complaints about you that you feel are false, distorted, or exaggerated—complaints told to the child by the other parent to make your child feel that you are bad, dangerous, and worthy of being rejected. Your child may accuse you of hurting them when they were younger, stealing their money, not caring about them, yelling all the time, and the like.

It's painful to have your child think badly of you. It's frustrating to have your child think that you hurt them or did something so egregious that you should be rejected.

It's possible, however, that these complaints are a kind of trap set by the other parent, designed to induce more conflict between you and your child. Bear in mind, then, that how you respond to your child's criticism/accusation matters as much as what the accusation is in the first place (Baker, 2007).

How Targeted Parents Should—and Shouldn't—Respond

There are many aspects of parental alienation that are counter-intuitive, meaning that what seems like the obvious truth or course of action is not (Miller, 2014). That is true of how to reply to a child who has been manipulated to be hurt, angry, rejecting, and distant. What you probably think is the logical obvious response is often counter-productive and even harmful.

You may think, for example, that it makes sense to correct the child and disabuse them of the false idea. However, if you say to your child, "Why would you say that? You know that didn't happen," you are calling your child a liar. If you say, "Why would you believe that? That's ridiculous," you are calling your child an idiot. If you say, "Who told you that?" you are implying that the other parent is bad, which often creates resentment in the child. So, by correcting the false idea (especially if done with negative emotions such as sadness, frustration, and anger), you are inadvertently reinforcing the lie (Baker & Fine, 2023).

So, what should you do? I suggest that you focus on emotionally connecting with your child rather than focusing on correcting their misperception. That doesn't mean agreeing with a false premise; it means starting by thanking the child for sharing their concerns and noting that they are upset. You can empathize that it must not feel good to believe that a parent did whatever it is your child is accusing you of. Try to see things from your child’s perspective.

If you focus on the emotional connection, you are more likely to enhance the relationship than if you focus on showing your child that they are wrong. You must always bear in mind that the parent-child attachment relationship is at risk of being corrupted or compromised if you focus more on being right than on being caring (Baker, 2007). This boils down to the mantra: Connect, don't correct.