How to Set Boundaries Like an Adult

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Boundaries are the limits and rules we set for ourselves and others in relationships. These spoken and unspoken rules enable people to interact safely with regard to physical, emotional/mental, sexual, financial/material, and time-based behaviors. Like guideposts for healthy relationships, boundaries provide clarity, minimize confusion, and point us in the right direction so that we can behave in ways that promote safety and mutual understanding with others.

Sounds simple enough, but knowing which boundaries to set and how to set them can be challenging. For one thing, boundaries are context- and cultural-specific. For example, boundaries such as honoring personal space and private property are usually taken for granted in the United States. But other boundaries are deeply personal and vary widely from person to person. For example, some of us may be comfortable with a friend or family member stopping by our home unannounced, while some of us won’t be comfortable with that. Some of us dish about our sex lives with close friends, and others do not. These boundaries can evolve and change over the course of our lives, often below the level of conscious awareness. Indeed, we rarely stop to define and communicate our boundaries until we find ourselves feeling uncomfortable because they’ve been crossed.

Communicating boundaries can be challenging. Sometimes setting a boundary means saying “no” when someone wants us to say “yes.” It can mean bringing up something someone has done that didn’t feel good to us, which can generate shame and conflict. Yes, setting boundaries can leave the human on the other side of that boundary feeling angry, disappointed, confused, and frustrated. Many people feel guilty when they experience these reactions from others, and it can be difficult not to question ourselves when these conversations go poorly.

Though it's natural to worry about hurting or disappointing others when we set boundaries, it’s important to remember that we aren’t responsible for the feelings and reactions others have when we express our needs and desires. We must endeavor to choose our boundaries wisely and to be kind and thoughtful about our words when we provide feedback and set limits with others. We should strive to be mindful of the timing, format, and wording of our message. But we are not spreading negativity or generating bad karma by setting boundaries. In fact, we are behaving wisely.

In Buddhism, the concept of Bodhisattva means that we have the power to benefit others by behaving in ways that align with the enlightened path. It means that making healthy choices for ourselves is promoting the health of everyone around us. This quote from Kosho Uchiyama, writing for Tricycle Magazine, sums it up well:

"Regarding the question 'What is a bodhisattva?' you could also define a bodhisattva as one who acts as a true adult. That is, most people in the world act like children. The word dainin means 'true adult' or 'bodhisattva.' Today most people who are called adults are only pseudoadults. Physically they grow up and become adult but spiritually too many people never mature to adulthood. They don’t behave as adults in their daily lives. A bodhisattva is one who sees the world through adult eyes and whose actions are the actions of a true adult. That is really what a bodhisattva is."

When we set boundaries, we are acting like adults. Others are entitled to whatever reactions they choose to have, and we can provide them the space to have those reactions and work through them on their own (or, preferably, with a therapist) Sadly, sometimes people can’t accept our limits and our relationships falter or even end. This is part of life. It isn’t easy to accept, but it’s helpful to take comfort in the knowledge that you have acted with wisdom. And that your behavior is a gift to yourself and to the world, even if it isn’t appreciated or fully understood by everyone in your life at this moment.

Here are some tips for establishing healthy boundaries:

• Know your boundaries. Identify situations that leave you feeling drained or uncomfortable. Are there boundaries that have not been communicated? Or perhaps boundaries that need to be re-asserted? While discomfort is not always an indication of boundary violations, poor boundaries are a common source of “energy leakage” and a sense of dread around commitments or encounters.
• Prioritize and pick your battles. We can be flexible about our boundaries and you don’t need to tackle every single one right now. One option is to start with the boundary that is creating the most difficulty for you day-to-day. On the other hand, if you aren’t great at communicating boundaries, consider starting with something low-stakes (e.g., the battle with your partner to put away their laundry). When we aren’t practiced with setting and communicating boundaries, the first attempts may be very clunky. Practicing with a few lower-stakes issues can help you build skills to tackle the bigger issues down the road.
• Communicate kindly by expressing your feelings and the specific behavior that is bothering you. Use statements like “I feel frustrated that I have to ask you to pick up your backpack off the floor multiple times every day after school. It’s important to me that this room stays clean and I don’t have time to clean it every evening. I need your help with that. What can we do so that I don’t have to monitor this all the time?” or “I’ve noticed that you are often late to meet me. I really don’t like it. I feel embarrassed sitting here by myself waiting. And it makes me wonder if I’m not that important to you. I’d appreciate it if you could text me if you’re running late and please make an effort to get here on time when we get together. I know it’s probably not easy to hear that— feel bad saying it—but I really want things to get better between us. Can you do that for me?” Take responsibility for your feelings and make your boundaries clear.
• Hope for the best. Sometimes people will not like the feedback. After all, it’s only natural for some shame to arise when we are called out for a mistake. Be gentle, give people time, and hope for the best.
• Practice forgiveness of self and others. Sometimes our words come out all wrong, causing harm. Sometimes we choose our words carefully and people still react badly to our boundaries. It can be easy to let our minds spiral into analyzing who was right/who was wrong. Try not to make assumptions about what others think or feel. When possible, give them the benefit of the doubt. To facilitate this process, use lovingkindness or ho'oponopono meditations to actively practice forgiveness of self and others. This mindset offers great peace, even when we aren’t able to find common ground with others.

Wishing you wisdom and peace as you undertake the truly worthwhile practice of honoring your boundaries.