Amanda Rose Ph.D.

Sex

Why He Doesn't Want to Talk About It

A developmental perspective.

Posted Dec 08, 2018

Source: VK Studio/Shutterstock

She always tells him about her problems. But he won't open up about his. Is it something she said? Was it the time or place she brought the issue up? Actually, it may have nothing to do with her at all. How each of them communicates with each other now may stem back to their friend groups as early as elementary school.

You may remember in elementary school that girls and boys tended to play and hang out in separate groups. In the lunchroom, for example, there were probably “girls’ tables” and “boys’ tables.” Girls and boys also tend to sit together in the classroom and play in same-sex groups on the playground. Almost all of children’s best friends are same-sex peers.

Gender scholar Eleanor Maccoby referred to these sex-segregated groups as separate worlds and highlighted the role of peer socialization. Parents and other adults play a large role in socializing children and shaping their behavior. However, considerable socialization goes on within same-sex peer groups as well. Behavior is reinforced through positive reactions from same-sex peers and discouraged through rejection. Through this process, girls and boys learn how to interact with peers in somewhat different ways and usually get comfortable with these different interaction styles.

One of the most significant differences between girls’ and boys’ interactions is that girls spend more time talking with friends. The gender difference in talking about problems is especially strong. Females’ greater tendency to talk with friends about their problems develops in elementary school and persists into adulthood.

What are the implications of this gender difference for adults’ relationships with the other sex? If girls develop expectations that disclosure is an integral component of close relationships, and boys develop expectations that disclosure is not as critical, does this set up both sexes for disappointment and frustration in relationships with other-sex partners?

Popular psychology texts certainly suggest that men's and women’s different tendencies to talk about problems is a source of friction. For example, John Gray, author of Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, suggests that guys go to their (literal or figurative) “man cave” to calm down, relax, and regroup when they have problems, whereas women tend to seek social support. This difference, he says, is frustrating for both partners.

Surprisingly, though, social scientists draw a different conclusion. Studies of cross-sex friendships and heterosexual romantic relationships typically find that men and women are similar in how much they disclosure to other-sex partners, including in terms of problem talk. The results are found for adolescents’ cross-sex relationships and adults’ cross-sex relationships. One interpretation of these findings has been that boys and men want to talk about problems, but feel unable to talk about them with their male friends and so welcome the chance to share personal thoughts and feelings with other-sex friends and romantic partners.

The problem with this interpretation, in my experience, is that men do not buy it. I give a lot of talks on this topic, and, overall, men are just not getting on board with the interpretation that they have always wanted to talk about their problems, but only were able to when they developed relationships with female friends and romantic partners.

To reconcile these perspectives, I collected my own data with over 200 young adults (college students). Participants responded to survey measures about problem talk with same-sex friends and other-sex romantic partners. Consistent with past studies, women talked about problems to same-sex friends more than men talked about problems to same-sex friends. However, men reported talking about problems to female romantic partners more than they talked about problems with their male friends. In fact, men reported talking about problems with romantic partners as much as women did.

If I stopped there, I might have drawn the same conclusions that others have — that men wanted to talk about their problems, felt like they couldn’t talk about them to their male buddies, and so were pleased to have a female partner with whom they could share personal thoughts and feelings.

However, I dug deeper and asked men and women how they felt about problem talk with romantic partners. Participants responded to four questions assessing if they felt pressured to talk about their problems (e.g., “My romantic partner pushes me to talk about my problems more than I want to.”). They also responded to four questions assessing if they felt that their partner talked about their problems too much (e.g., “My romantic partner keeps analyzing my problems even after I am ready to stop talking about them.”). Compared to women, men were more likely to feel pressured to talk about problems and to feel that their partners talked about their problems too much.

These results call into question the interpretation that men talk with women more than with their male friends because they want to. Instead, the findings suggest that men talk with women more than with their male buddies because women pull them into problem talk. In other words, the data suggest that when a guy says he doesn’t want to talk about it ... he may just really not want to talk about it.

Disclaimer: Like all research on average or mean-level gender differences, these results don’t apply to every man or woman. Certainly, there are men who talk about problems with their male buddies and men who appreciate being able to talk with female friends and romantic partners. However, these findings suggest that these men are probably the exception rather than the rule.

AGREE 100%......

Submitted by Lucifer A on December 16, 2018 - 12:48am

This "gender issue" never gets old.....and for some perplexing reason it frequently gets attention probably because people just don't think deep enough.
So, I want to say well done Prof. in conducting a more comprehensive study that reflects a more authentic result, significantly better than the study done by "social scientist" just like most other sociology based studies. (this is one of the major reasons I don't consider sociology a science, just due to its inherent subjectivity attached to it and frequent inconsistency in the interpretation).
So, congrats again Prof. in challenging, clarifying & dispelling fallacious "reasoning" of sociology based study.

On the whole, men don't like talking about problems because:-

1. Men are more suited and primed to solve problems, frequently look for challenges, so they prefer spending some time alone, quietly if possible, to reflect and analyze the problem, in order to find suitable solutions.

2. If it is a very stressful problem, men prefer "releasing the tension" by playing sports or to do any vigorous physical exercise. Like running or jogging as men like to "walk it off". Some men prefer to distract themselves with more work. Or even indulge in some high risk activities like drinking excessively, smoke, use drugs etc.
I personally can attest to most of these methods but wouldn't always recommend the last option, as it can easily cause a man to fall into an addictive behavioural pattern, particularly if the stress is caused by a major issue.

3. Men are inherently stoic and for good reasons because the ability to successfully control of one's emotion, helps men make more sound and reasonable decisions or judgements.
It's probably an evolved trait because masculinity is usually related to solitude, (just my own observation) because in Nature routinely males of various species spend time alone when not mating, while females always are in a herd. Also, routinely men handle stressful situation with "fight or flight" reaction while women use "tend and befriend" method and both are in keeping with our inner psychological sexual characteristics and behaviour.

4. In addition, studies show men prefer working with "things" as oppose to women, who like working with "people" and women are known to be more social. Also studies show, baby boys prefer moving objects while baby girls prefer faces. May explain why men are generally technically inclined.

All this comes back to the notable difference of masculine and feminine cognitive process whereby masculine is inclined to be logical, based on reason, perceives the world objectively, (LEFT brain dominance) while feminine nature emphasizes feeling, based on emotion and instincts, perceives the world more subjectively, (RIGHT brain dominance). Interestingly, homosexuality and I think transsexuality too, is more common in left handed individuals who are right brain dominance.

Probably, the reason why more men prefer science and mathematics subject compared to most women, a trend seen globally. This is another issue which is discussed routinely nowadays but lack proper reasoning. Discussion is always centered around discrimination and bias.

Perhaps, also the reason why women usually express more "emotional empathy" to someone in distress, shown by more 'direct emotional support' commonly via touch, holding hands and hugging while most men predominantly show "cognitive empathy" which is primed to find solutions to problems. This behaviour is also seen among chimpanzees.

I think that's why we men dislike asking other people for directions, and prefer figuring out ourselves but sometimes it ends up being a silly decision. (not male ego...haha).

Hence, when things are seen in wholeness, all the connections are observed, then, issues about differences in gender behaviours makes sense and appears more clear.
Be mindful, I usually say masculine and feminine because sometimes, not uncommonly, men can have certain feminine traits and women have masculine traits, the former is more common

Unfortunately, it is a popular notion nowadays, claiming men should not be stoic, communicate more and need to learn to have more emotions, I think this another rubbish idea, probably part of the "demonize & stigmatize masculinity" modern day misandrist agenda.
Personally, I have no problem with stoicism. I practice it and I know many other men sharing the same view. I am quite glad I have it as a trait because as mentioned earlier stoicism is a fairly useful skill.
Nonetheless, excessive and unlimited stoicism is a liability when it leaves us with a lack of emotional knowledge particularly in this modern day whereby stressful expectations in Life can be very overwhelming . For which I would advice men to occasionally catch-up with other men (good mates), to talk and share any problems over a meal and drinks. Others vital activities that help reduce stress is vigorous exercise, yoga and importantly meditation, offers heaps of help.
A good balance of mind & body in Life, to ensure a man's well-being will always a golden rule.

I have more interesting points but I will stop now, before people fall asleep.
Hope my "two cents worth" helped in some way. Cheers.

Interesting, but...

Submitted by Allie on January 9, 2019 - 7:16pm

You need to get your facts straight about the animal kingdom. There are species in which there are solitary males, however, there are lots of solitary animals in which neither males or females socialize unless they are mating, and there are also animals that have groups of males that live together separate from females. You can't take one small section of the animal kingdom and say that means males are solitary and females aren't, because it's wildly inaccurate.

Examples:
Elk males hang out in groups most of the time. Even famous examples of solitary males are often not as solitary as people think. Sometimes 2 related male lions will roam around together and bull elephants can form into groups that live together. Both male and female wolf pups are kicked out of their pack to go find an unrelated mate when they reach sexual maturity. There are fish that can change sex completely. Some seahorse males carry the babies and are thus the more nurturing sex, and there are lots of birds (like penguins, amongst many others) where the male takes an equally nurturing / social role as the female.

Humans may be a certain way, but you can't justify human male behavior based on the animal kingdom. It is wayyy too varied and complex. Not to mention not super related to human behavior. You are not a lion, so a male lion's behavior is really not relevant to your behavior.

What did I exactly say???

Submitted by Lucifer A on March 2, 2019 - 10:57am

Did I ever say ALL males of ALL species are solitary? OR did I ever mention NO males in the animal kingdom live in groups anywhere in my comment. Obviously not. I am happy to be proven wrong.
However, you seem to object to something just for the sake of objecting but without any objectionable basis because you merely misconstrued my views, and as a result, impulsively conjectured false assumptions. .

Firstly, I said ".......in Nature routinely males of various species spend time alone when not mating, while females always are in a herd."
This is undoubtedly a factual statement, a common animal behaviour seen among various species such as bull elephants, lions, red kangaroos, zebras, giraffes, wild horses, red stags, gorillas, baboons, monkeys, gray langurs, including several non-mammalian species of birds, fish and insects.

This male behaviour is most common among mammals and especially primates.
Unlike females, males of almost all mammalian species have more freedom to roam and less likely to form permanent social group, instead form transient bonds and more likely to be solitary especially the younger non dominant males.
In addition, up to 90% of male mammals are polygynous and around 97% of the males don't provide any parenting care.

Moreover, even among mixed sex groups with a dominant hierarchical system, like chimps, it is often only males, single or multiple that may break away from the main group, to hunt alone.
Likewise, even among solitary mammalian species, while females are more likely to form close bonds with other females but the males are strictly solitary as seen among black rhinos, skunks, koalas, orangutans, etc.
It is also not uncommon for matriarchal type of animals like lions and elephants, whereby the younger bulls and lions tend to be solitary until bulls are dominant enough to mate during musth or ability for lions to establish a coalition to dominate a pride of lionesses to mate and guard them.

You provided various good examples which I don't disagree, however, is it possible for you to provide any example of a mammalian species whereby the females are exclusively solitary while the males are always part of a permanent social group???
In other words, the inverse to the numerous examples of animal species that I provided. If you can provide around same number of animal species particularly mammals as I did, then you actually do have valid argument to make here.

Secondly, I did not take a small section of the animal kingdom to demonstrate my point, instead I was primarily referring to mammals, a highly evolved animal class and in particular, primates in which solitary male behaviour is common and mammalia is the animal class of humans.
So, nothing here is wildly inaccurate. I am not interested in "sex changing fish" nor am I keen in seahorses, an animal that possess a very atypical male behaviour. In fact, it will be "wildly inaccurate" if I solely referred to fish and seahorse.

As I mentioned earlier, solitary type of behaviour is common among male mammals, a highly evolved animal class and sex in mammals are determined genetically, i.e. "Y chromosome" in males, basic sex features that are observed in humans too.
In addition, distinctive secondary sex differences exist in mammals of most male species resulting in well differentiated and diverging male reproductive behaviour in comparison to female.
Moreover, I am not making a direct correlation to male behaviour instead, merely stating a rather strong common behavioural association observed among various mammalian species, probably emerged due to similar selective pressures in the past.

Most male mammalian species, do somewhat share similar sexual behaviours at a fundamental level, because the sexual selection pressure, reproductive cost & capacity, intrinsically remain fairly unchanged, Hence, males of most mammals tend to demonstrate somewhat comparable male reproductive strategies. e.g. male dominance, hierarchical order, infanticide, rape,homicidal tendencies, male-male competition, aggressiveness, male violence, polygynous, male parental role are examples of common male sexual behaviour that exist among humans too.

Humans also share same hormonal profiles with other mammals, especially testosterone, that make males aggressive, anti-social, seeking for dominance, competitive. Likewise, vasopressin can have somewhat of a less friendly effect on males. Interestingly, a very recent study showed, oxytocin promoted relationship forming tendencies among women but among men oxytocin increased men's desire for more short term than long term mating strategy. These behavioural traits influenced by hormones indicate male preference is more for solitary rather than sociability.

In addition "tend and befriend" is an evolved female stress response which is primarily socially based unlike the male stress response,the "fight or flight" response which is non social and strength dependent. This compels women to be more cooperative while men to be more competitive.
Moreover, studies show men prefer to work with "things" and system orientated while women like to work with people and empathy orientated.
In relation to personality trait 'openness', men prefer to share intellectual ideas while women tend to share emotional experience.
Women are also better in picking up various emotional cues of others along with having better eye contact than men and women prefer sitting opposite the person during a conversation unlike men, who prefer sitting beside the person.
Similarly, male babies show preference for moving objects while female babies show preference for human faces.

Therefore, generally human male behaviour is indeed less socially orientated in comparison to females, so there's no question in my mind about that notion. Likewise, associating human male behaviour with other male animals such as solitary living is not unreasonable as there maybe a common underpinning biological factor.

Hence, you may want to reassess what you actually said or meant in a more accurate manner because there's nothing atypical, unusual or inaccurate about what I said in relation to this subject matter.

Why is it so hard to understand

Submitted by Jonathan on January 9, 2019 - 9:40pm

As a man this has been annoying for a long time.

If I ask a friend (male or female) if there is something bothering them, that is my cue to them that if they want to talk, I'm there. If they do great and if they don't that's fine too. (they probably need more time or someone else to share with, whatever it is is nothing to do with me, it's for them to get to where they need to be to open up, if at all.)

The article is clearly geared toward helping women to understand male behavior. And honestly that would be great for them to listen to what you have to say.

As a man I would find a more helpful article might be why is it that when women say they don't want to talk about something, that they actually do (or maybe they don't) (or maybe they don't know). I would be happy to read it, though I imagine it would be more of a thesis than an article, and probably wouldn't get me any better to recognizing if she is telling me the truth or not.

Honestly, I have always found it the height of insanity to pressure another person into talking. And further I find it annoying to start with, and insulting if the pressure continues, when someone does that to me.

Why women lie

Submitted by John on July 8, 2020 - 1:43am

Why do women say they don't want to talk about it when they do? Why do they say things are "fine" when they obviously aren't?

Because they are liars and master manipulators. They can't discuss things logically because they are incapable. So they resort to all sorts of emotional attacks instead. Being passive aggressive is a way to claim they never attacked you (per their words) when they actually are (per their actions). It draws you into her home court advantage, where words and attitudes mean more than facts.

Don't take the bait. The best defense is to call her out on her bullshit and let her know that you know exactly what she's trying to do. Then tell her that you will only respond to the words that come out of her mouth. So if (more like when) she lies, you take her at her word. That turns her weapon against herself. She will learn that she will have to grow up and use her big girl words if she really wants to get problems solved. And if she doesn't want things solved, you've pointed out her dishonesty and are totally justified in dumping her.

yes

Submitted by IVan on January 12, 2019 - 6:18am

The article is completely useless, as it tries to force up our throats the false idea that nurture is everything. On the other hand Lucifer´s answer is worth an article in itself.
"In fact, men reported talking about problems with romantic partners as much as women did."
If you are talking about heterosexual relationships I doubt there is any possibility it could be otherwise

Talking and listening

Submitted by rabel on January 14, 2019 - 5:38pm

Although the author alludes to the complementary act of listening, the gendered focus of this article, like so many aimed at men, only examines the talking of men as the potential problem.
From my work with men, one of the key reasons men do not talk more about their feelings with their romantic partners is the way they are listened to. I have found men both sharing and articulate about their feelings when they are listened to in a non-threatening environment (something that is not very common and possible impossible to achieve in a modern feminist society).
As the author observed but neglected to explore, many men felt their partners dominated conversations about feelings, including the men's feelings. Some men explained that their partner "pushes me to talk about my problems more than I want to", and "keeps analyzing my problems even after I am ready to stop talking about them".
These observations only relate to men's reluctance to talk about feelings or duration of talking so long as that conclusion remains the default assumption. These statements may also be explained in terms of men's dialogue about their feelings being hijacked by their partners rather than being believed and accepted as valid expressions.
Perhaps the author should consider men may be reluctant to talk about feelings, because (i) their past experiences of having their feelings analysed, interpreted in terms of shallow male stereotypes and turned into indictments of their masculinity and humanity, (ii) because they do not want to share personal experiences with someone who will immediately share these with their girlfriends in the women's locker room, and (iii) because their partners simply don't know how to listen.

It's not safe to talk to women

Submitted by John on July 8, 2020 - 1:36am

The only reason women love to pry into a man's mind is so they can discover weaknesses they can exploit. Everyone knows women will not hesitate to bring up things from the past, even if they have been resolved, if they think it will give them an advantage in an argument. Even worse, if they find a chink in his armor, anything that suggests a weakness, they will hammer at that weakness until they have him on his knees. Guys, you know this is true. Don't ever believe a woman intends to help you when she encourages you to talk. If you choose to divulge your innermost thoughts, you are just handing her weapons.

International

Mental Health

Personality

Personal Growth

Relationships

Family Life

Do I Need Help?

Recently Diagnosed?

Talk to Someone

Current

Recent

News

Essential Reads

Trending Topics

Find a Therapist

Get Help

Members

International

Get Help

Mental Health

Personality

Personal Growth

Relationships

Family Life

Do I Need Help?

Recently Diagnosed?

Talk to Someone

Magazine

Today

News

Essential Reads

Trending Topics

Amanda Rose Ph.D.

Why He Doesn't Want to Talk About It

A developmental perspective.

THE BASICS

Post Comment

Read Next

Sex Essential Reads

Countries: