How to Stop Comparing Yourself to Others

Source: Source: Pexels/Pixabay

The phrase “keeping up with the Joneses” has been a part of the American vernacular for decades, likely originating in a comic strip of the same name that ran in The New York World from 1913 until 1940. The strip depicts the McGinis family in a constant struggle to achieve the social status of their neighbors, the Joneses, who never appear in the strip. While the comic strip is long gone, the saying remains and the phenomenon looms large in the minds of many.

Meet the Joneses

The Joneses are everywhere, living seamlessly successful, glamorous, meaningful lives. Their skin is clear, their physiques impeccable, their jobs both lucrative and deeply fulfilling. They reach prescribed life steps at the “appropriate” time, securing a romantic relationship, marital status, house, dog, and children in a socially sanctioned order and pace. They seem never to struggle.

We tend to notice only the Joneses that embody the traits we feel most insecure about. When we worry we’re unsuccessful, we notice the young go-getter at work. When we struggle with body image, we notice those who seem to effortlessly achieve the physique they most desire. For some, the Joneses take the form of a particular family or individual while others look to the social media Joneses for portrayals of perfection. The Joneses become the distorted mirror that amplifies and reinforces our insecurities. The contrast between our lives and theirs follows us around like a ghost, a masochistic tool of self-flagellation. We tell ourselves that if we could just be like them, we would be happy.

But even as we compare ourselves to others, many of us notice the deep pain that these comparisons garner. We want to shift into a healthier space. Which leaves us with the question: What do we do about the Joneses?

We try to see the Joneses more accurately

Many try to address the Joneses by bringing them down to a human level. We remind ourselves that:

• Nobody is perfect. Perfection is elusive and an illusion.
• Everybody, even the Joneses, has struggles, fears, and insecurities.
• Pictures on social media and real-life encounters provide only a filtered snapshot of a life.

We remind ourselves that the Joneses almost certainly have private hardships. Perhaps they have debts, family illness, unsatisfactory jobs, or unhappy relationships. Friends remind us that, “You never know what’s happening behind closed doors.'' We breathe a sigh of relief and find satisfaction in remembering that the Joneses are flawed.

This strategy of remembering that, as my father would say, “everybody has tzores” (a Yiddish word meaning troubles, worries, or suffering), has its benefits. When we question our tendency to see others’ lives as perfect, we:

• Remove the Joneses from the pedestals we erected in our minds.
• Interrupt a pattern of all or nothing thinking, replacing it with nuance.
• Train our brains to question and replace distorted ways of thinking.
• See the big picture rather than cherrypicking facts to match our fears.

Why it’s not enough and what to do instead

While the tactics above do help to see others more clearly, this strategy alone will not solve the problem of the Joneses. Creating a more realistic comparison of ourselves to others fails to address the larger issue of judging ourselves against others at all. The Joneses disappear not when they stop getting the royal treatment but when we decide that the Joneses have nothing to do with us at all. Their success has no bearing on us. Their happiness need not threaten us. Their high-achieving children say nothing about our own. Their bodies, their happiness, and their achievements have not left us with less and do not mean that there is no room for us.

Instead of merely reminding ourselves that image is filtered and carefully curated both online and in reality, we can step out of the game altogether. This is a much harder task that involves reminding ourselves that:

• Their success has nothing to do with me.
• There is enough room for all of us.
• This comparison does not serve me.

Moving away from comparison means turning inward to address our insecurities and inviting in more compassion and grace. From there, we can honestly begin to notice what we want for ourselves and work to reach those goals. That, ultimately, is the road to peace.

One step further

As we move away from the comparative model of judging worth and stop seeing others' success as a threat, we can even feel glad that the Joneses found lucrative, meaningful careers. We can hope that their marriages are happy, their bank accounts full, and their children successful.

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We can wish the Joneses well.