Sex
How to Move Beyond "The Ick"
Pangs of disgust can sabotage your sex and love life—but it's possible to overcome them.
Posted January 5, 2025 Reviewed by Devon Frye
Key points
- Disgust evolved primarily to keep us safe from interacting with things that could harm us.
- Disgust can limit a couple's sexual enjoyment, particularly if one partner is higher in disgust sensitivity.
- Sexual arousal and gradual exposure can help reduce disgust when desired.
- However, the "ick" might signal something truly off with the person or relationship. It's OK to listen to it.
Getting the "ick" is ruinous. You can be thoroughly enjoying a lust-filled hookup, new relationship, or flirtation with that barista, but you witness something that just gives you the ick.
"The ick" is an everyday term for a sudden pang of aversion that creates a feeling of disgust. Maybe you overheard them produce a riotous fart, or gleefully mock someone who deserves significant empathy and concern. Perhaps they snarfed a sandwich down at rocket speed, leaving a little pool of sauce at the corners of their mouth that seemed to fester and boil with spit for a good half hour.
You try to get it out of your head. You fail. You feel a bit sick.
You also know deep down that it will be hard, near impossible, to get rid of that image or memory.
What Emotion Research Can Teach Us About "The Ick"
The psychology of disgust can offer valuable insights into when, why, for whom, and how strongly we feel disgusted. Disgust has been a surprisingly overlooked emotion in the research world until recently, despite it being such a common, visceral experience.
Similar to other basic emotions, such as fear or anger, disgust can be triggered in certain contexts. What's more, we vary notably in our sensitivity to disgust as well as the nature of our triggers.
Certain experiences or thoughts are naturally disgusting to almost all people, such as coming across an animal carcass writhing with maggots, thinking about having sex with a family member, or hearing someone wetly sneeze right behind us. But those who are higher in disgust sensitivity are more likely to get the ick from even moderately disgusting things—such as a partner's dry lips during a kiss, walking by dog poo, or watching someone eat an oyster.
Disgust is an emotion that has evolved to keep us from interacting with things that are harmful to us or can result in bad outcomes—food that can make us sick, pollutants that can damage our lungs, or the fallout from morally reprehensible decisions. Disgust comprises a primitive mental stop sign of sorts. Not a yield, not a merge, but truly: Stop!
But what happens when disgust starts to interfere with our romantic and sexual lives? Should we stop? Backtrack? Bolt—or tolerate? Is this a signal from our inner mind that something is just not right?
Research has linked a range of sexual disorders to heightened disgust sensitivity, including dyspareunia (vulvar, vaginal, or pelvic pain during intercourse), low interest and arousal, and sexual aversion. As my doctoral student Gabriella Petruzzello (an expert in sex and disgust) explains:
"This means that people with issues surrounding sexual pain, desire issues, or general aversion to sex are more likely to have higher levels of disgust to sexual and non-sexual aspects of their lives. For most individuals or couples without clinically diagnosed sexual problems, the main dilemma is when one partner has a different threshold for disgust than another. If one partner wants to have anal sex and the other partner is absolutely turned off by the possibility of contact with poop, this can will likely lead to a hard no to anal sex. Enough of those hard no's will eventually lead to problems in their relationship. Or if one partner is utterly repulsed by the thought of having their mouth on their partner’s vulva, this could lead to dissatisfaction or shame for the other partner."
Getting Over "The Ick"
Are there ways to overcome—or at least decrease—our disgust sensitivity in our intimate lives? Two strategies for the sex and romantic realms include:
Sexual arousal often helps us to overcome disgust reactions. When people are aroused or turned on, they become less disgusted by any number of things.
In lab studies, for instance, priming people's arousal with sexually explicit pictures or videos will make them more willing soon after to touch unknown fluids or to report an increased likelihood of trying new sexual activities. In other words, arousal and disgust work inversely to each other. The more disgusted you are, yes, the less aroused you will be. But, the more aroused you are, the less disgusted you will be.
Disgust can be reduced in much the same way as we work to reduce a person's fear: Gradual exposure to increasingly greater levels of the stimulus. In other words, start small and increase your exposure to the thing that makes you disgusted and your response will become less dramatic. This might look like watching porn with your partner that includes anal play, for instance, if you are truly reluctant to consider anal sex.
(It's important to emphasize that consent is essential for any of these strategies; no one should ever try to force someone to overcome their disgust.)
But what if the feeling of "ick" is associated with a person—someone with whom you were beginning some type of intimate connection? It works in the same way: Arousal and increased exposure likely can get you beyond it.
This is also why, when our relationships are going well, we manage to tolerate things that would give us the can't-keep-going ick early in the relationship. It is also why when a relationship is suffering, feelings of disgust—e.g., the sound of your partner's swallowing—begin to amplify.
It's easy to bolt, and you may feel that getting beyond the ick is impossible. If you're disappointed that you felt that pang of disgust, pause for a moment of reflection. Try to determine if your initial feelings of connection were genuine and worthwhile. If you were all in at first, then there may be value in getting over this icky feeling. Remember: We all have our disgusting aspects. You have now witnessed one of theirs.
But if what triggered your ick is truly a dealbreaker—for example, if you witnessed something truly morally reprehensible or foul—then yes, it's time to bolt. You were signaled. Trust it.
Facebook image: J Walters/Shutterstock