Breaking Up and Bouncing Back Bold

Not news, I know, but experiencing a romantic relationship breakup is an especially distressing event in life. Breakups are linked to a higher risk of work absence, substance use, academic failure, delinquency, and dropping off the face of the planet. They are one of the primary reasons that people seek counseling, and most people will report that a breakup was one of the worst events of their adolescence or young adult years.

In short, breakups can feel devastating.

All breakups hurt to some extent, either from the loss of the relationship or (if you initiated the breakup) the loss of hope that you had for the relationship. But not all breakups are the worst experience you can imagine. Often, you can pick yourself up after a day or two or ten of moping around, scouring the ex’s social media pages, and generally getting on everyone’s nerves with your depression, longing, and tears. Typically, people begin to get through the worst of it (the distress phase) and begin to move on (the adjustment phase) within short order.

But some breakups are real stinkers. They cut us off at the knees and deplete us entirely. As researchers, we know surprisingly little about breakups (compared to, say, divorce), but we do know that there are some features of breakups that make them particularly painful:

Breakups tend to be worse when:

• You were the rejected partner.
• The breakup came as a surprise.
• The relationship was more committed at its peak.

Even breakups that you initiated, or agreed to in a mutual decision, can be surprisingly difficult to get over.

What helps? Who weathers a breakup the best? Who bounces back bold?

• Those who were less depressed, had more grit, and had higher self-esteem before the breakup occurred. (Some resiliency traits can be fostered; you're not born with a particular level and that's all you can hope for.)
• Those who spend less time ruminating about the lost relationship. Ruminating involves going over and over in your head what you could or should have done differently.
• People with a solid support network before the breakup. (A blunt reminder not to neglect your other relationships when you’re in the throes of a new intimate partnership.)
• People with stronger coping skills, especially ones that do not allow you to track, monitor, or try to reestablish contact with your ex online or in person.

Some researchers have investigated how breakups are an opportunity for self-improvement and growth. Despite feeling similar levels of distress, those who move into a more positive adjustment phase report focusing on the gains (not the losses) that come from a breakup. These gains include:

• newfound time for friends and family, past-times, and personal interests
• increased self-esteem and feelings of strength and self-sufficiency for getting through a breakup
• opportunities to meet and connect with new people and potential partners
• greater awareness of what works and does not work in relationships

This research challenges assumptions that adjustment to a breakup is always a steep uphill battle. Despite the distress of the loss, there can still be gains, but these gains are dependent on your willingness to try and integrate your understanding of the loss. We differ considerably in how much we want to shift that focus away from the pain, in part because being swallowed up by the pain sometimes feels as if it is the only option. That makes us resist synthesizing the experience to know "what's better because of this breakup," especially when we think we would do anything to get the relationship back on track.

But those who sometimes experience the "churning" of a relationship (repeated cycles of breakup and reconciliation) typically realize that reconciliation is not the answer to breakup pain. What helps is a bold path forward out of the pain. What helps when that seems impossible?

Deliberate and consistent efforts to redirect perseverative or obsessive thoughts away from the pain and wanting to get the ex back accelerate us faster out of distress mode and into recovery mode, leaving us less depleted and better off overall. Add to this any efforts to recognize the growth potential of the experience, as awful as it is, and that the pain will end, which can actually end the pain faster.

Remember, you have to break up any and all relationships you enter before you eventually arrive at the relationships that really will be rewarding and lasting for the longer term. Learning how to bounce back in this way does not diminish the value of the lost relationship at its peak, but it does provide you with a toolkit of skills that can help you weather many storms ahead.