How to Free Yourself from Dysfunctional Attitudes

Attitudes are sets of feelings and beliefs that both influence and justify behavior. An attitude of entitlement, for example, predicts and justifies rude and controlling behavior. Although specific feelings or beliefs that are part of an attitude may be expressed, the attitude itself is usually unarticulated. For example, people with an attitude of entitlement, superiority, or inferiority will rarely state the attitude, although others will infer it from their behavior and language.

Embedded in attitudes are autopilot assumptions and judgments that are laden with biases, as expressed in Daniel Kahneman’s famous quote, which he based on decades of research:

“We think that we make our decisions because we have good reasons to make them, even when it’s the other way around. We believe in the reasons because we’ve already made the decision.”

Dysfunctional Attitudes

Some attitudes make us act against our long-term best interests. For example, attitudes of entitlement, superiority, inferiority, victim identity, cynicism, and intolerance tend to cause anxiety, worry, resentment, or depression. Even when they have some credibility, dysfunctional attitudes lead to oversimplified and reductive thinking that cannot serve us well, not in the long run.

Dysfunctional attitudes are difficult to overcome purely through conscious reasoning. When we try, we seem phony or hypocritical, as the autopilot judgments inevitably play out in behavior. For example, many couples leave counseling with attitude adjustments, that is, they sincerely want to be better partners and improve their relationships. But without changing autopilot judgments, their behavior will belie their adjusted attitudes. Autopilot judgments (that a partner is selfish, lazy, demanding, controlling, too sensitive, not sensitive enough…) will soon turn negotiations into demands.

Contradictory evidence rarely modifies dysfunctional attitudes. Confirmation bias aside, the criteria for changing the attitudes are, at best, unclear. How cooperative does a partner need to be not to be judged as lazy anymore? How much considerate behavior does it take to no longer be judged as selfish?

Dysfunctional Attitudes as Self-Fulfilling Prophecy

Self-fulfilling prophecy: A belief or expectation that helps to bring about its own fulfillment, as, for example…when a teacher’s preconceptions about a student’s ability influence the child’s achievement for better or worse. -APA Dictionary.

Dysfunctional attitudes are heavy in anticipation. If I suffered the negative attitudes mentioned above, I would expect my partner to be lazy, demanding, controlling, too sensitive, or not sensitive enough. If I noticed exceptional behavior at all, I’d likely consider it uncharacteristic and wait for the “real character” of my partner to show itself. Of course, my partner would react badly to my devaluing expectations; I would have created conditions that confirm the autopilot judgments embedded in my attitude.

Free Yourself from the Yoke of Dysfunctional Attitudes

Dysfunctional attitudes keep us in continual devalued states and perpetuate dysphoria. In my clinical experience, clients are motivated to change them only when they reach a tipping point of frustration and exhaustion. Then, we can work on unpacking the autopilot judgments and conditioning new ones. Below are examples of unpacking and reconditioning.

• Nothing works right. Practice using the things that work okay as models for improvement.
• People are either incompetent or inefficient. Understand that when people behave with competence and efficiency, they don't feel devalued or criticized. In general, we’re all more cooperative when we feel valued.
• They don’t care enough or aren’t smart enough to get it right. Consider whether this attitude results from inflexibility. Recognize that, besides keeping you in a continual devalued state, the attitude evokes negative responses from others, making them less likely to care about you or behave the way you want. Practice rewarding cooperation rather than punishing behavior you don't want.

Attributions in Relationships

Because we tend to attribute our negative feelings to something our partners are doing or not doing, we need to imagine how our lives would be with a perfect partner. I ask my clients with dysfunctional attitudes to write their answers to the following:

If you had a perfect partner, what personal qualities and values would you develop? How would they manifest in your behavior and relationships?

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Most people say they’d be kinder, more interested, supportive, cooperative, compassionate, affectionate, sexual, and flexible. Their answers expose the tragedy of dysfunctional attitudes: they keep us from being the persons and partners we most want to be and make us violate our deeper values in reaction to partners. They create interactive dynamics that take over relationships. The predominant feelings of both partners vacillate between resentful anger and depression.

Behaving like the person and partner you most want to be will change dysfunctional attitudes. If both partners do it, the relationship can soar. If only one does, that partner will improve unilaterally and may leave the relationship.

Practice:

• Accepting that things aren’t perfect
• Accepting the current state of your relationship and focus on improving it (you can’t improve what you don’t accept)
• Showing value and respect for those you want to cooperate
• Improving, rather than blaming
• Being the person and partner you most want to be.

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