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Movie heroes resist what other people think, persisting against all odds and in the end proven right. Movies keep hammering home the message: Always be true to yourself.
Always is going too far. Villains are true to themselves too. We identify with Tony Soprano’s dauntless conviction but we wouldn’t want him coming after us in real life.
Is Trump true to himself? His supporters would say yes. They love that he isn’t afraid to speak his mind. His opponents disagree. He’s an honest liar. Honest about his feelings even though he’s lying about reality.
Or his opponents would say that he’s not really being true to his real self because he's so unhappy and wrong.
I don’t buy that argument. Being true to oneself can’t be defined by what we think someone’s true self should be. Though I think he’s about as loathsome as a person can be, I’d say Trump is being true to himself.
That’s the problem with being true to yourself as a universal rule. Hitler was true to himself. So was Martin Luther King. We like MLK's authenticity but not Hitler's. Why? Because we like MLK’s true self.
We hear advice on both sides of this issue:
- Be true to yourself.
- Don’t care what others think.
- Anyone who puts you down is bad company. Move on.
- Criticism says more about the critic than you.
- Just do your thing.
- If it feels good do it.
- Be open-minded.
- Get good at taking criticism.
- Don’t be arrogant.
- Play well with others.
- Don’t be stubborn.
- If you can’t adapt to feedback people will stop telling you what they think.
I think of these as antibodies, rushing from opposite sides to heal an unhealable wound in each of us.
We all have to manage our doubts which is hard enough when it’s self-doubt and gets harder when second opinions second our doubts about ourselves.
Doubt management is part of life. We’re all deciding when to forge on and when to let go – when to insist, resist, and persist and when to admit we're wrong and change course.
There’s no one-side-fits-all answer to this question. We place our bets case by case about whether to read disappointment as evidence we should try, try again or as evidence that we need to change course.
Both solutions work some of the time. Neither solution works all of the time.
Self-doubt is the wound that won’t heal. Not until we die. I say get with the program. It’s the curriculum of life. It’s been with us since the origins of life.
Organisms have to be open to the energy and resources that keep them going but not to the energy and resources that will do them in. Survival requires selective interaction, engaging with some things, not with others.
With humans, selective interaction becomes very complex. Not only do we have pores, orifices, and immune systems to let in and out the right stuff and protect against infection. We’re under vastly more influences than other organisms, because of our use of language. Ideas bombard us from every direction. It’s hard to hold onto our convictions in the presence of this maelstrom of language-delivered ideas, principles, and suggestions. We become conviction impaired, hence all of the boosterism about sticking to your convictions.
Be true to yourself gets a big boost from the cult that has taken over what was once the Grand Old Party. I think that it’s Trump's core offering to his supporters, a one-sided message that they should be true to themselves, that never apologizing is evidence that you're tough.
It’s where Evangelical faith and libertarianism converge even though they’re exact opposites, in principle. They both demand their freedom by which they mean freedom from ever having to learn, adjust, take criticism, or doubt themselves ever again. They wouldn’t grant such self-certainty to their opponents, of course, yet they hold it, narrowly as the principle they should live by.
When you've decided that everyone who disagrees with you is dumb or bad, you've taken that faith in yourself thing too far.
Here’s a marvelously clueless version of the “don’t care what others think” message set to country music. It’s downright Oedipal, kids being kids who don’t care what others think and as a result win the hearts of the beautiful mommy, married to a stodgy wimp. If you don’t care what others think you’re guaranteed the height of popularity.
And I've written a country song this wee, too. It could be counsel to a woman who bet on the wrong man or any voter who did the same:
CUT YOUR LOSSES
You made a mistake. You aren’t the first
You wanted the best. He turned out the worst.
That guy you once loved he turned out a goon.
It’s a mess but no biggie. We’ll get over it soon.
Just say you’re sorry and let’s all move on
Cause who’s there among us never fell for a con.
No need to get stubborn. We all make mistakes.
Just say a quick oops, that’s all that it takes.
That lovable lunk, well, he stole your heart.
As for his stealing it was only the start.
You fell for his glitter, charisma and wealth
He said that he’d care for your rights and your health.
He was the bad boy, the man of your dreams.
Cause he spoke the truth, no pander, no schemes.
He was so wholesome he spoke to your needs
No wonder you thought, with him you’d be freed.
Well, just say you’re sorry and let’s all move on
Cause who’s there among us never fell for a con.
No need to get stubborn. We all make mistakes.
Just say a quick oops, that’s all that it takes.
He said he’d be true to you and your kin.
It turned out instead that he’s living in sin.
As your guardian angel, he turned out too lax
and as for your wallet, he turned up your tax.
Yes he was faithful but not unto you
He loved only himself, he gave you the screw.
He didn’t believe that trust must be earned
So just cut your losses. You live and you learn.
Well, just say you’re sorry and let’s all move on
Cause who’s there among us never fell for a con.
No need to get stubborn. We all make mistakes.
Just say a quick oops, that’s all that it takes.
