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“What is sex?”
If your children haven’t asked this question, you may want to ask them about their answers. And importantly related to this discussion are your and their answers about the purposes of sex.
“Sex” is one of those words that everyone uses and surprisingly few understand. Sex is much more than physical and concerning procreation. It is important to recognize and identify the breadth of sexuality.
Sex serves several of life’s basic purposes: from pleasure, stress reduction, and formation of our identity to our intimate connection and (of course) procreation. Giving concrete examples of sex-related to these purposes will set the tone for your clear and honest ongoing discussion of the topic.
The goal of sex can be defined in one word: fulfillment (finally, you might be thinking, one word and not a list!).
True sexual fulfillment is when physical pleasure occurs within the context of an intimate and loving relationship. In this way, fulfilling sex transforms what could be a pleasurable and merely mechanical event into an expression of intimacy and love. Therefore, we distinguish that sex engages us in different ways emotionally, relationally, socially, spiritually, and also physically. It is complete when it connects with our core values and character.
Helping your kids understand sex will be infinitely easier when you are clearer in your own mind regarding your expectations of sex and what you’re getting from it in the terms of these five connected spheres: physical, emotional, social, relational, and spiritual.
How do you assess your sexual wholeness when you consider each of these areas? Is one area limited? Does another command all of your energy? This honest self-assessment is the first step in presenting to your kids your thoughts about something you’ve considered deeply—so that you can help them appreciate the many interconnected and essential parts of sex.
If you find that for you, one or two spheres are all that sex has been for you, you’re not alone—many of us experience sex this way. But this does not do justice to the potential power and value of sex. A lack of appreciation and balance in our approach to sex may destroy the fibers that find expression of sex in intimacy and love.
We may choose to approach sex by compartmentalizing it rather than appreciating its whole reality because we can (and often do) learn about sex in physical terms alone, either as pleasure or in its biological role for procreation, disconnected from the other spheres. Ironically, when religious authorities may insist that the purpose of sex is procreation alone, they further fragment the character of sexuality. By implying that pleasure in sex is only physical or bad, if not with only a spiritual purpose, we may overemphasize the spiritual sphere. While such positions are intended to preserve the sanctity of sex, they can actually create the opposite effect, losing balance between body and spirit, blurring the importance of healthy emotions and relationships—all equally important to sexual health.
It’s very important to construct the conversation about sex as a holistic issue because it affects our body, mind, and soul. As you explore and explain what sex as a part of fulfillment in life, you will be helping your kids understand the connections between sex, intimacy, and love. You can then more naturally impart your family’s values, rather than letting them accept what society hands them or not really understand the connections between their family values and their actions. Understanding how you define sex is key to making the ongoing talk with your kids about sex honest and dynamic. A solid foundation will help them make important connections to bridge sex in intimacy and love.
I'm a clinical instructor in psychology at Harvard Medical School and the author of How to Talk With Your Kids About Sex, which explains what kids need from parents at each stage of their sexual development and how parents can effectively communicate.
