Getting Divorced? 7 Ways to Help Your Child Through It

When marriages end, it can create a lot of stress for everyone involved. There are often disagreements, resentments, and plenty of hurt feelings to go around. This can be especially difficult for children. When parents get divorced, children have their entire world turned around. All of a sudden, they have to deal with things that before the divorce seemed unthinkable. Children believe their parents are solid and unchangeable. Even when things are not great at home, it still seems like their parents will work it out. After all, their parents had been together for as long as they can remember. When they split, a child’s world is completely thrown into disarray. During this time of heightened tensions and often explosive emotional reactions, it’s important to take a look at what’s best for the child in helping them adjust to their new reality.

1. Your child is not at fault. It’s important that children understand their parents’ divorce is not their fault. This may seem self-evident since they weren’t the ones initiating the problems. Children may be internalizing their hurt about the situation and start to blame themselves. Even though it may be illogical from an adult’s perspective, children often turn their fear and upset inward and start thinking of all the things they did that may have upset their parents. This in turn can cause them to believe they were the reason their parents are ending their marriage. That’s why it’s important for children to understand that the divorce was not about anything they did wrong. Occasionally, parents may lash out and blame the child because of their upset. This is something that never helps the situation and can have lasting consequences on the child’s emotional development. If you notice your child withdrawing or struggling with what is happening within the family, it’s important that this issue is addressed and the child knows they will still be loved and cared for and that they have done nothing wrong.
2. Don’t overburden your child. Divorce is a tough time for all involved. Your 5-year-old, 10-year-old, or 16-year-old doesn’t need to hear all about your hurt, regret, feelings of betrayal, etc. This is between you and your ex. Your child is not your therapist or your best friend. Your child is still going to love their other parent, even if you do not. Many parents are so distraught over their impending divorce that they confide inappropriate details and other adult issues to their child. Your child is likely to not understand the issues involved, and the last thing they need is to be put in the middle of your marriage issues. Also, don’t introduce your child to every new person you date. This can be confusing, and if they develop a bond with the person too soon and your relationship doesn’t last, it can create additional feelings of loss.
3. Remember you both love your child. If possible, having events together can show family unity even after a divorce. Whether it’s joint birthday parties, holidays, etc., these things can show your child that even though you are living separately, there is still a connection between the parents. This is important so the child doesn’t feel he is betraying one of you by staying close to the other.
4. Include the child in decisions whenever possible. Getting divorced is a decision between adults. Your child didn’t get a say and may have been blindsided by this new reality. As you and your ex set up schedules for custody of your child, ask them their preference as well. Don’t try to make them feel guilty if they want to spend time with the other parent. Having a say in their schedule can help a child feel that not everything is beyond their control.
5. Don’t overcompensate for the divorce. While your marriage ended, you still need to be responsible parents. It’s important not to let your guilt or your desire to one-up the other parent guide your decisions. Your child doesn’t need to have lavish gifts given to them or get away with things you know are not in their best interest because you feel badly about how the divorce has affected them. To best care for them, continue being the steady, caring parent you’ve always been.
6. Have similar rules at each home. One of the most difficult things to do is to coordinate a consistent set of household rules with your ex. Even if you and your ex are not getting along, it’s still important that you have similar rules in each household. Having that consistency can help your child feel safer and more secure in each of your homes.
7. Support your ex-spouse when disputes happen. While you and your ex may have significant differences, those differences are not with your child. As much as possible, try to be supportive of each other in your child’s eyes. When the child is angry at your ex-partner, as difficult as it may be, hold the line and support your ex. It’s important the child doesn’t align with either parent against the other. Siding with your child against your ex when difficulties arise can create a triangulation where the child feels they can get what they want by turning one parent against the other. At the same time, if you feel your ex is in the wrong, hopefully the two of you can talk it out. This type of parenting conference is healthy and helps the child know that both you and your ex are on the same page regarding your parenting.

While divorce is unfortunate and can be extremely painful for all involved, making sure family boundaries are upheld can be a huge help. It’s important that children can adjust to their new life with parents who live separately. The faster that parents can establish new routines and understandings, the faster all involved can start to heal from the divorce and move forward with the least amount of emotional upheaval possible.