Verified by 
Relationships
15 Red Flags That Someone Is Using You
Has someone have put a "Use Whenever" stamp on your head?
Updated February 29, 2024 Reviewed by Hara Estroff Marano
Key points
- It's important to recognize when you're being used so that you can extricate yourself from the situation.
- When you're feeling unappreciated and undervalued, there's a decent chance that you are being used.
- Some seemingly positive things, such as being praised or offered trinkets, can actually be signs as well.
No one sets out to be used. Yet, it can be common to find yourself in a relationship, whether personal or professional, where the other person is trying to take advantage of you, consuming your limited time, energy, and resources without offering nearly enough in return.
It's important to recognize when you are in such a situation so that you can extricate yourself. Here are 15 signs to watch out for.
1. They frequently ask you for things without giving you enough in return. This doesn't mean that you should keep a running tally of everything that you are doing for the other person. Your relationship is not a football game or Amazon account. But not being able to remember the last time the other person helped you in any way without looking at the calendar is a strong sign that the other may be using you.
2. They keep score and frequently point out everything that they do for you. Indeed, it's a bad sign if either of you is keeping score in a relationship. It's also a bad sign if you feel like the other person is always singing that Bryan Adams song, "Everything I do, I do it for you." This applies both figuratively and literally.
3. They assume that you will give them what they need and do not express enough appreciation. You aren't a 24-hour convenience store. Heck, even a convenience store gets money in return for providing those petrified hot dogs that have been sitting on the grill for ages.
4. They contact you or act nice only when they need something from you. When you see a call or a message from the person, is your first reaction, "Gee, I wonder what he or she wants now?"
5. They do not respect your boundaries or consider your feelings, concerns, or needs. This includes their not accepting "no" as an answer and trying to make you feel bad for not doing something for them. All of these can be clear signs that they don't care about you as a person and instead view you more as some kind of vending machine.
6. They set stricter boundaries for you or unequal expectations of you. I once had a "friend" who wouldn't return phone calls whenever he was busy with his family or work but questioned why I stopped calling him as much and didn't tell him about positive developments in my life.
7. They don't make the effort to really get to know you. It's all about them. As I've written, one clear sign that a relationship is in jeopardy is when you know the other person reasonably well but he or she can't even answer basic Jeopardy questions about you and your life. There's also the "I" of the tiger problem, where they keep using the word "I" rather than "we" or "you."
8. They don't truly listen to what you have to say or act to address your concerns when you raise them. In this case, listening to you means more than just letting you speak. It means acknowledging and taking seriously what you have to say and doing something positive in response to help you. It also means apologizing to you when they have done something wrong. And this should be a real apology and not some "I am sorry that you were offended" bull.
9. They try to sweet-talk you and offer you trinkets. Even the most self-absorbed, narcissistic person may realize that you won't do something for nothing. So, to keep you on the leash, they may give you things that cost them nothing such as praise that's not backed up by action, a Starbucks card that they weren't going to use anyway, or empty promises, which brings up the next sign.
10. They fail to deliver on their promises. Promises, promises. They become meaningless when the person doesn't fulfill them. Of course, in some cases, unexpected circumstances could prevent any person from delivering on a promise. If such is the case, then at least that person should warn you as soon as such circumstances become evident, make every effort to get past the situation, genuinely apologize for failing to deliver, and offer something else roughly equivalent in its place.
11. They treat you like a trophy rather than a person. Just because they're singing your praises doesn't mean that they aren't using you. Such praises could be part of their using you to give themselves street cred or a demonstration of their power or attraction. Just look at how people with trophy wives or trophy husbands go on and on about how hot their spouses are.
12. They prioritize other people and things and don't support you when you have a conflict with someone else. Sure, the person may act very supportive when it's a one-on-one interaction. But it can be very revealing what that person does when he or she has to choose between you and other people or things.
13. They remind you of or try to impose their superiority to you. Even if that person is your supervisor, more experienced, or in a higher position on the institutional or societal hierarchy, that doesn't mean that he or she should keep reminding you about it. That would be like a billionaire constantly having to remind you that he or she is a billionaire. And that never happens, right?
14. They brag about how they can manipulate and use other people. If they do this, take a wild guess as to what they may be doing to you.
15. You feel like you are being used. Finally, sometimes your brain has to catch up with your gut. This can be the case when you regret eating that fruitcake. It also can be when you are feeling unappreciated and undervalued. You can use such feelings to realize that you are actually being used.
