When Tykes Fight

It's 8:00 a.m., you're already late for work, and you still have to get the kids off to preschool. To make matters worse, three-year-old Alex is fighting with two-year-old Peter over who gets to play with the train set.

Your first instinct, to tell them to cut it out, may grant you temporary peace. But you're doing your kids a favor if you let them work through the conflict, say toddler dispute experts Kimberlee Whaley, Ph.D., and Cherie Baye, Ph.D.

By resisting the urge to immediately intervene when kids disagree, parents and teachers help children learn to settle disputes on their own. Even three-year-olds are capable of negotiating solutions to problem, says Bayer, professor of speech communication at Indiana University. Adults need intervene only when safety or bullying is a concern.

Even so, preschoolers often need a little guidance to develop their budding diplomacy skills. Bayer recommends "strategic assistance" to steer tykes through disputes. This approach teaches kids that "conflict is not something that has to stop the world," says Bayer. "They just need to work through it." Strategic assistance involves five steps.

1) Secure toddlers' attention.

2) Identify the problem and acknowledge feelings. Explain to each child the other's perspective.

3) Discuss possible solutions. Guide the kids toward an appropriate one.

4) Obtain agreement on a compromise.

5) Highlight how each child benefits from the solution.

Besides teaching negotiation, the process helps toddlers develop a moral code and learn lifelong interpersonal skills. Unlike the breakfast cereal, strategic assistance is not just for kids.