Narcissism
Are You a Narcissistic Parent's "Lost Child"?
Why being a "lost child" leaves you with low self-esteem and an empty feeling.
Posted October 11, 2021 Reviewed by Devon Frye
Key points
- Parents who are high in narcissism tend to assign roles to their children including "golden child," "scapegoat," and "lost child."
- A narcissist's "lost child" may be physically and emotionally neglected.
- The "lost child" may carry their trauma into adulthood and may attract partners who are neglectful and emotionally abusive.
Parents who are high in narcissism tend to assign “roles” to their children. This is because, in contrast to allowing their children to develop into autonomous people, narcissists tend to be driven by a need to control others in order to have their own needs met.
We often hear about the child who is the “scapegoat,” or the narcissist’s “golden child,” but we less often associate narcissists with having a “lost child.” Losing a child—however metaphorical the loss might be—doesn’t seem to fit with the narcissist’s need to hold on tight to those around them. Given that children have the potential to meet the narcissist’s need for supply, why would they let one child slip through the net?
Narcissists are skilled at identifying what uses people have for them. The difficult child, or more independent child, might be easily identifiable as a scapegoat. The beautiful or talented child might be earmarked as the golden child. And the child who is desperate for attention might become an enabler or flying monkey.
Once the primary roles have been fulfilled, the narcissist may simply not have a need for another child. Having two kids fulfilling the same role can be counterproductive. If you’ve already got a golden child, and you add another one, it makes the first golden child seem, well, less golden. You also run the risk of the two kids fighting and vying for attention. Things can get way overcomplicated. Given that narcissists are often characterised by emotional immaturity, they tend not to need this level of complexity.
There might, therefore, simply not be a role that needs filling as others in the family have already stepped in. Sometimes children become “lost” because of their position in the family. At times, the roles of the "golden child" or "surrogate parent" have been assigned to older children. At other times, the oldest child becomes lost as the parent focuses their attention on younger siblings. The lost child may also be the least demanding child who is happier to spend time on his or her own. They may be more easy-going and less inclined to become caught up in family dramas.
Although narcissistic parents tend to be highly controlling, they can also be lazy and neglectful, as they are ultimately more focused on their own needs than those of their children. Lost children are sometimes difficult for the parent to understand or to pigeonhole and it’s easier to simply neglect them.
Signs of a Being a "Lost Child"
If you consider yourself to be the "lost child" of a narcissist, you may have been affected in the following ways:
1. You cannot love or accept yourself.
When you have been raised with a parent who neglects you, whether physically or emotionally, you internalise the strong message that you don’t really matter. If you were raised feeling unloved or unimportant, you may continue to feel that way well into adulthood.
2. You repeat the patterns in other relationships.
When we learn that the world is a certain way, we tend to subconsciously recreate what we know about the world. No matter how much pain this causes, recreating the known is often far easier than stepping into the unknown. People who have grown up feeling unloved or abandoned may attract partners who treat them in the same way.
3. You don’t take care of yourself.
Many lost children are not only emotionally neglected, they are physically neglected and their most basic needs are not sufficiently met. Some lost children have problems taking care of themselves when it comes to hygiene, domestic cleanliness, and looking after their mental and physical health.
4. You experience addiction or self-destructive behaviours.
Because you have grown up feeling unloved and uncared for, you may turn to addictive or self-destructive behaviours as a means of coping with your low self-esteem, anxiety, and depression.
5. You feel lost.
At the end of the day, if you’re the lost child of a narcissist, you might simply have a feeling of being… lost. You feel as if something fundamental is missing from your life, because it always has been. There may be a sense of emptiness.
If you have grown up as a "lost child," it’s important to know that you did nothing to deserve being placed in that position. What you experienced was the result of your parent’s emotional issues. There is nothing wrong with you and, with time, patience, and support, you can learn to love yourself and to heal from the trauma of your upbringing.
