How to Be Resilient

Resilience is defined as “the capacity to withstand or to recover quickly from difficulties.” It is what helps you get up when life knocks you down. Resilience is ultimately the goal of my work when treating anxiety. When you know you can withstand life’s difficulties, anxiety has little room to take hold.

Recently, life knocked me down. Or, more accurately, life knocked my son down, which in turn knocked me down. He got life-altering medical news a few months ago; nothing life-threatening, but definitely something for which there will always be “before and after” delineated in his life. And I found myself questioning what the secret to resilience is? What is it, exactly, that makes some people able to withstand and recover, while others face prolonged struggle and suffering in the face of life’s challenges and traumas?

Observing myself, both the helpful and unhelpful impulses, as well as my son and his process provided some insights. Stepping back from my personal experience and reflecting on some of the universal themes I have witnessed in my clients who have overcome tremendous hardships and challenges, as well as on what research tells us, I would like to share some practices that promote resilience.

1. Feeling and expressing the full range of your feelings: This refers to both your ability to feel and express your feelings and for others to acknowledge your pain. This can be challenging for both the feeler and the beholder of your feelings.

You may avoid your feelings through distraction, keeping yourself busy so there is no time to feel, or through substances or compulsive behaviors (eating, online shopping, video games, social media scrolling, etc.). You may fear that your feelings will overwhelm you. But you cannot deal with what you don’t feel. Allowing yourself space to feel your feelings and having others in your life who can be present and acknowledge them is an important skill and relational experience.

Too often family and friends struggle to allow for the full range of feelings to be expressed. As a society, we are uncomfortable with grief, sadness, and anger and often want to rush past pain to happiness and resourcefulness. The impulse to find the positive and to demonstrate instant coping skills is strong and unhelpful. Whether you are the person struggling or the person supporting, allowing for all emotions, including the painful ones, is necessary.

If you are the feeler, see if you can notice when emotions are arising and allow space for them. Setting aside intentional time to be without distraction can be useful. Journaling or using music or pictures may help you access your emotions. In the television series “Shrinking,” Harrison Ford’s character advises the teenager whose mother has died to play a song that evokes emotion so as to allow her time to cry.

If you are supporting someone who is going through a challenge, simply acknowledging their feelings and that they are not alone as they navigate them is supportive.

2. Making sense of adversity: This refers to the ability to make meaning of life’s challenges, normalize struggle, and believe that the challenge is manageable. These traits help you view adversity as something we all face, which makes you connected to others and helps protect against overly personalizing your challenges. It is what enables you to maintain a sense of hope, which is essential to resilience. Without hope, there is no ability to move forward. And the ability to make sense of adversity also opens up possibilities for how to problem-solve around it.

Sometimes the attempt to make meaning of a challenge gets conflated with messages like, “Everything happens for a reason”, “God has a bigger plan”, or other such statements, which in general, are not comforting to those receiving them. These statements often feel dismissive of one’s pain.

In her book, Bittersweet, author Susan Cain speaks to finding purpose in your pain, which can be a catalyst for creativity or personal development. Connecting purpose to your pain also fosters deeper compassion and empathy, which can lead to deeper connections with others. Often, we can form strong attachments to others during times of struggle when we open ourselves up to the love and care of others.

3. Emotional regulation and self-regulation: While it is essential to feel your feelings, having skills to help you be regulated within them is also important. Being self-regulated is the ability to manage your emotions and direct your impulses toward healthy adaptations. Practices that support emotional regulation are:

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Pausing – creating space between feeling your feelings and reacting to them, so that you choose how to respond to them.

Accepting Uncertainty – this is a hard one for us humans! We do not like uncertainty. This is especially true in times of stress. Reminding yourself that whatever you are feeling and whatever is true right now, is only true right now, not forever can help. Keeping your focus on what you do know, what is certain, is also useful. Lastly, reminding yourself of whatever support or resources are available to you may help alleviate the stress of whatever is unknown.

Self-Compassion and Self-Care – being kind to yourself in the form of gentle compassion and taking care of yourself as you would someone you love.

4. Taking committed action toward solutions: While many people resist feeling their feelings, others get stuck in their feelings, preventing them from taking action toward living with this new reality. Reflecting on what values you wish to demonstrate in the face of hardship, how you wish to show up for yourself, and who you want to be within the challenge can help guide the actions you ultimately take. If you fear that moving forward means that you are minimizing the magnitude and pain of what has happened, allowing someone to “get away with something,” or dishonoring the memory or love for someone you are grieving, please remember this. Your suffering punishes no one and it honors no one.

5. Finding community: When you are facing a painful life experience, it is common to feel isolated, alone, and like no one understands. The truth is, family and friends, as much as they care, may not understand. Connecting with people who do is essential. Find community with others who have experienced a similar challenge, whether through a support group or individuals who have been where you are. Do this not only so you can connect with others who can relate to your feelings but also so you can have hope shown to you by those who have made it to the other side. We suffer in isolation and heal in connection and community.

These skills are not intended to be linear steps. Think of them like emotional states and moments that you move back and forth between, repeating as new emotions and new circumstances arise. They are fluid and flowing, not rigid. They are your guide on your journey to resilience.