Why the Best Day of Your Life Is Followed by the Worst Day

You graduated! You retired! You had your dream wedding!

And now you feel—pretty awful, actually.

Tal Ben-Shahar, author and psychology lecturer at Harvard University, coined this let-down feeling that follows the highest of highs the “arrival fallacy." Put simply: We believe our life will change drastically—and for the better—after we achieve our long-sought-after goal.

But what happens when you wake up the next morning and feel worse than you did the day before?

If you've got the yucks after a day that was supposed to make you feel all of the yums, you're not alone.

Blame Your Mom

We each have a default setting that influences whether we prefer to be alone or with others, early mornings versus late evenings, and spicy versus nonspicy food. This default setting, or temperament, is a combination of nature (the genetics we are born with) and nurture (how our caregivers raised us).

Put simply: Your temperament is the view through which you view and interact with the world.

When something out of the norm arises, your brain nudges your body to release large amounts of cortisol, a hormone that prepares you to go into fight or flight mode depending on the situation. Some people easily return to a calmer state when the danger has passed, while others may take longer.

Traumas in early childhood are also likely to shape our response to external stressors and the amount of time it takes our body to reabsorb the excess cortisol.

Dopamine and Online Shopping

Wanna know why we all love ordering goodies online? Expecting future rewards triggers your feel-good neurotransmitters. Research shows that the dopamine release in anticipation of your soon-to-be-delivered package makes you happier than receiving the actual package.

A surge in dopamine over a happy event can leave you feeling empty.

Source: Diana/Pexels

It's possible that the best you're ever going to feel about that miracle weight loss/wrinkle cream/extremely flattering pair of jeans you ordered because of a TikTok video is right after you place the order. The rest of the experience might simply be disappointing.

Behaviors vs. Expectations

On a subconscious level, we are all brought up with the idea that if we work hard enough we can achieve our goal. And if we achieve our goal we will be happy.

But...what happens if we achieve our goal and we're still not happy?

Guo et al.'s 40-year analysis of research on depression experienced after post-college graduation (law school, graduate school, etc.) found that 34 percent of graduates were suffering from a form of depression. Overall, doctoral students scored higher in depression than did master's students.

A 2015 study by Feeney & Collins points to the idea that this post-achievement letdown may be related to the end of the shared relationship with peers—regardless of whether that experience was positive or not. Their work proposes that relationships with others are a key factor in making it through stressful experiences psychologically intact.

When we graduate or retire or finish training for an Olympic-esque event, we also lose touch with the peer group we have come to depend on to help us make it through the tough times.

Part of the depressive experience of finishing a major milestone might be the loss of the support system, the people whose hands you held during the tough times.

How to Overcome Post-Accomplishment Angst

If achieving your goal has made you feel worse than all of the years of struggling, there are several things you can do to improve your mental state.

1. Practice self-care. Make sure you are catching up on the sleep you may have missed cramming for your special day, and remember to eat healthier than you have been while you were hustling toward that goal. Avoid drugs and alcohol, which masquerade as a cure-all but are just a temporary way to shut off your brain.
2. Try a reframe: Instead of thinking about how hard you have worked and the anticlimactic feelings you have now—it happens sometimes—focus on all of the things that you get to do now that this milestone is behind you. It's amazing how much mediocre reality television and leisure time you have now that you're not using a spreadsheet to plan every moment of your week.
3. Exercise to boost your endorphins, which boosts your mood. Very few people have ever reported feeling lousy from too many endorphins, and the so-called "runner's high" can be achieved by walking as well.
4. Find a new project or goal. That dopamine rush is a tantalizing mistress, and there's nothing wrong with switching your intensity from finishing a dissertation to working on your next article for publication. This also helps to remind you that there are many more mountains to climb, even if this one is behind you.
5. Reconnect with the support group you have clung to while working so hard to achieve your goal. Fellow students, classmates, and the bridesmaids that helped carry your anxiety for all that time are likely to feel as deflated as you do. Those friendships still exist and can still carry you through.