A Guide for Intimate Partners of a Rape Victim

If you are the intimate partner of a rape victim at the time of the assault, a disruption in sexual activity following the attack is likely. How long this disruption may last will vary, and may depend, in part, on how you respond to her needs and concerns. Difficulties in the resumption of sexual intimacy may be especially acute if the rape was extremely violent or sadistic, involved multiple rapists, or caused significant injuries. Physical pain, flashbacks, or other fears surrounding sex may now intrude on the intimate life of partners, compounding difficulties in sexual responsiveness. In addition, if relationship problems existed prior to the assault, they may be aggravated by the disruption in sexual intimacy. It is common for both parties in an intimate relationship to experience uncertainties and complex feelings about the resumption of sex following rape. If you are unobservant or insensitive to her concerns, engaging in sexual activity before she is ready may unintentionally result in her being reminded of the assault. As a man who loves her, ask yourself a basic question: What can I do to help her to regain a sense of control over sexual decision-making?

The simple answer is to communicate honestly and take your cues from her. This means there are several things you should and should not do to reestablish a positive intimate relationship.

● Do not pressure her into sexual activity before she is ready. Some men believe that the early resumption of sex is a way to normalize the relationship or help her to recover. A return to sexual activity may seem like a behavioral indicator that things are back to normal, even if they are not. You may think to yourself, “Now that we are sexually intimate again, she must be okay.” She may even consent to the resumption of sex before she is ready because she wants to please you.
● One indication that she may be conflicted is if she seems to tolerate your touch but is passive and does not answer to it. If she is not ready to resume sexual relations, the act of lovemaking may diminish her sexual desire and complicate your relationship. Honest communication about whether she truly is ready to resume making love is essential. Let her be the guide.
● Just as you should not pressure her into an early resumption of sex, neither should you avoid any display of affection. Understandably, you may assume she feels a diminished interest in sex and step back from her out of consideration. Yet it is important that she not interpret your behavior as a sign you feel she is “tarnished” by the rape or less appealing than before. There are ways to express affection (e.g., hugging, handholding, nonsexual massage) without engaging in sexual activity. For example, asking permission to cuddle with her demonstrates affection and gives her control over how to respond.
● Remember that certain cues can be triggers that produce flashbacks of the assault and inhibit sexual responsiveness. Acknowledge that sexually graphic flashbacks and even panic attacks regarding intimacy do not mean that her capacity for a healthy and pleasurable sexual relationship is shattered. Reassure her that you know the occurrence of flashbacks is a common but temporary consequence of rape. ● Her ability to talk about flashbacks can reduce her vulnerability to them. Tell her that if she wishes, you will listen in a nonjudgmental way to any information she feels able to discuss.
● Although honest communication with her about intimacy is essential, there is one thing you should guard against discussing. Some men involuntarily experience sexual arousal when a victim of rape describes what was done to her and then feel guilty for having such a response. This suggests just how emotionally confusing rape can be. If you do feel aroused when she describes what happened, do not communicate this to her. Such a confusing message would only provoke more anxiety in her.
● Never suggest that you view the rapist as a sexual rival. Never suggest that you think women have a secret desire to be “taken” and forced by a rapist to perform sexual acts. Never suggest that she may have enjoyed the rape experience. Never ask if she experienced an orgasm during the rape.
● Two of the most important things you can do are both simple and difficult.

First, ask her to give you guidance on what she does or does not want in terms of levels of intimacy before initiating anything physical. Let her know that if she is reluctant, confused, anxious, or unsure of what she wants in a sexual sense, you will respect her uncertainty and be content simply to be present with her.

Second, admit to her your own vulnerability—that you also feel anxious, confused, and uncertain about how to navigate the emotionally complex terrain of sex since the rape. Tell her that you do not want to do anything that may cause her harm and that you will let her take the lead.
● Do not become angry with her or assume she is rejecting you if she is less sexually responsive than before. Neither should you doubt your adequacy as a man or feel insecure about her diminished responsiveness. Her post-assault reluctance is not about your suitability as her partner, but rather a consequence of trauma. You are not the reason for the temporary disruption in your intimate life as a couple. Be patient. Trust that with sensitivity and a willingness to let her proceed at her own pace, intimacy will return.
● As a couple, if problems about sexual concerns become a source of anger, bitterness, or deepening misunderstanding, relationship counseling is highly recommended. Your willingness to seek counseling together is not a measure of failure, but an expression of commitment to the relationship. Articulating powerful feelings to someone professionally equipped to address relationship tensions will help both of you find what may feel lost.