How the Most Successful Couples Build Intimacy

Source: StockSnap/Pixabay

Shortly after they started dating, Brenda and Bradley had a heart-to-heart discussion that went late into the night. Brenda revealed several private memories from her earlier life. And emboldened by her openness, Bradley found the courage to share with her a memory he’d never told anyone else.

In high school, Bradley had suffered terribly at the hands of bullies. Those painful experiences had left psychological scars—a general lack of trust of other’s intentions and a reluctance to open up to others. But that night in Brenda’s company, he felt safe to reveal this hidden aspect of his life.

More importantly, Brenda listened with compassion and empathy. This was a new experience for Bradley, and he felt a profundity of emotion that he’d rarely known before. Something clicked between Brenda and Bradley that night, and soon their dating relationship transitioned into one that was long-term, committed, and highly sexual.

A year passed, and the two were now comfortable and secure in their relationship. One night at a party, Brenda told a series of amusing stories that made Bradley the butt of the joke. He put on a festive face and laughed with the others, but inside he was hurting terribly. All those painful memories of being bullied in high school came rushing back. But this time, Brenda and her friends were the bullies.

The next day, Bradley decided to let Brenda know how he’d felt about the previous night. Brenda was always such a sympathetic soul, and surely she’d understand how she’d hurt him and promise never to do it again. But that’s not what happened.

Instead, Brenda got defensive. She wasn’t making fun of him, she insisted. She was just relating the foibles of any relationship. Nobody thought she was putting him down. And besides, why did he have to be so sensitive about it? They were just having a good time, after all. The exchange ended with a contest to see who could slam their door the loudest.

A longstanding finding in the literature on relationship science is that intimacy is built through self-disclosures. After all, you have plenty of friends and workmates that you interact with on a fairly superficial level. You know each other well enough to get along, but you don’t reveal anything too personal about yourself. In fact, making inappropriate personal disclosures is a sure sign of psychological maladjustment.

But we need to have intimate relationships as well, in which we feel safe to confide our private thoughts, feelings, and memories that we would tell no one else. Furthermore, research is unequivocal that intimate relationships are essential for good physical and psychological health. At the same time, they’re the most difficult of all relationships to navigate successfully.

So if it’s true that self-disclosures lead to greater intimacy, what went wrong in Brenda and Bradley’s case? Bradley made a self-disclosure, expecting it to increase their intimacy. Instead, it sent a rift through the relationship, and it cost Bradley plenty of effort to make amends.

Eventually, Brenda forgave him, and the relationship went more or less back to normal. But still, Bradley wondered—what did he need to be forgiven for?

It’s this very common conundrum in intimate relationships that psychologists Chandra Khalifian and Robin Barry explored in a recent article in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships. The researchers investigated the dynamics of interpersonal relationships using two well-established theories in relationship science.

The first theory is the interpersonal process model, which proposes that intimacy between two persons grows as they reveal private thoughts, feelings, and memories to their partner, who responds with acceptance and empathy. When our partners are sympathetic towards our personal disclosures, we feel reinforced and are encouraged to reveal more on other occasions. However, when our partners reject our personal disclosures, we feel punished and are discouraged from opening up to them in the future.

Relationships Essential Reads

10 Ways to Spot a Love Bomber

5 Ways to Tell if You, and Your Relationship, Will Grow Over Time

The second theory is attachment theory. Originally conceived as an explanation for the deep emotional bond that develops between an infant and its caregiver, the theory has since been extended to adult intimate relationships as well. In early childhood, we use our caregiver as a secure base from which to explore the world. In adulthood, we seek out a significant other who can also serve as a secure base for us.

As long as that caregiver or significant other provides us with a secure base, we feel confident in interacting with the world. However, when that person doesn’t give us the support we need, our "attachment system" is activated. In particular, behaviors such as defensiveness may be triggered, in which case we distance ourselves from the significant other and essentially shut down the intimate relationship.

While the interpersonal process model proposes that intimacy grows as partners make personal disclosures to each other, Khalifian and Barry believe that the theory needs to be refined. Specifically, they propose that personal disclosures not involving the partner will tend to be validated, and as a result, intimacy will grow.

In contrast, they contend that personal disclosures involving the partner will likely trigger that person’s attachment behaviors, leading to defensiveness and lack of validation. As a result, the intimacy between the two will be impaired.

To test this hypothesis, the researchers invited 82 heterosexual cohabiting couples to come to their lab for a heart-to-heart conversation. Specifically, each person would have the opportunity to reveal to their partner a personal disclosure that either did or did not involve the partner.

Couples were randomly assigned to one of the two conditions, and to help them prepare, each was given ten minutes to write about the topic they wanted to discuss with their partner.

Afterward, each member of the couple was asked to rate the degree to which they felt their partner was reinforcing or punishing in their response to the disclosure. As expected, when the personal disclosure didn't include the partner, the response was perceived as being sympathetic and reinforcing. In contrast, when the personal disclosure did include the partner, the response was perceived as unsympathetic and punishing.

Khalifian and Barry suggest that this finding has important implications for the psychological clinic. When couples seek counseling, it’s generally because they’re having trouble maintaining intimacy in their relationships. The clinical session then involves each person airing grievances about the other, and it’s the counselor’s role to help mitigate the effects of reactionary attachment behaviors. After all, partners do become defensive when sensitive issues are laid on the table.

However, the researchers also make the following warning to couples: Don’t try this at home. By this, they mean that grievances can be safely aired in the clinic under the careful moderation of skilled counselors. Nevertheless, making personal disclosures that involve the partner, especially in a negative light, are more likely to result in defensiveness than a clearing of the air.

Furthermore, when one partner becomes defensive, the other tends to do so as well, leading to a vicious cycle. Doors are slammed, and the pathway to further intimacy is closed, perhaps permanently.

At the same time, this doesn’t mean we should avoid discussing uncomfortable topics with our partner altogether. In particular, if they have hurt us deeply, they need to know so they won’t do it again. If the relationship is built on relatively solid ground, the issue can be handled effectively if the aggrieved partner approaches it with the right mindset.

Bradley naively assumed that because Brenda had responded sympathetically to his revelation of bullying experiences in high school, she would do the same when he let her know he felt she was bullying him at the party. However, the research of Khalifian and Barry shows us that only personal disclosures that don’t involve the partner are likely to lead to intimacy. Instead, Bradley has to have a different set of expectations in mind when he broaches the subject with Brenda.

Although it’s healthy to just let go of the petty annoyances that plague any relationship, it’s also important to be forthright when your partner has hurt you in a significant way. Still, the way in which you disclose this concern can have a significant impact on the outcome of the discussion.

First, Bradley has to understand that Brenda, like himself, has painful memories from her past that have left scars to the present day. And so Brenda, like himself, can be expected to react defensively when she feels under attack.

Bradley does need to let Brenda know how he feels about the way she treated him at the party so that there won’t be a repeat performance. At the same time, he needs to be mentally prepared for Brenda’s initial response.

Bradley expected Brenda to be receptive to his disclosure, and her defensiveness caught him by surprise. In response, he became defensive as well, and as a result, communication was effectively shut down.

Instead, Bradley should have approached Brenda with the full expectation that she would become defensive. Having said what he had to say, he should then allow Brenda to make her defensive rebuttal. After that, he should drop the issue and shift the conversation toward a lighter topic that will help the couple repair intimacy.

Just because your partner responds defensively, that doesn’t mean they didn’t hear you. In fact, it’s quite likely that Brenda will mull over Bradley’s complaint for several days. Depending on her personality, she might later apologize, or else she might just be more careful not to hurt Bradley’s feelings again in the future.

By making the elegant judo-move of sidestepping Brenda’s defensiveness, Bradley then effectively communicates a grievance in the relationship without allowing the issue to fester into a petty tit-for-tat.

Facebook image: Pressmaster/Shutterstock