What Is Symbolic Abuse and How Can Parents Avoid It?

Emotional abuse may leave no marks.

Source: Pixabay / Pexels

Above all, humans are symbolic creatures. Language itself can be viewed as the use of symbols. Some words, like “car,” might be simple placeholders dispassionately referencing a concrete object. Others, like “rock,” although still referencing something seemingly mundane in the physical world, can also carry a profound emotional meaning (Just ask Dwayne Johnson).

Still other words, such as “dignity,” can point to a psychological experience that, while real, is not tangible or directly observable. Words like “dragon” can evoke an emotional and cognitive recollection of a phenomenon that is not only abstract but also not real in an empirical sense. And when strung together, a phrase like “E Pluribus Unum” can be so powerfully symbolic that the entire populace of a country may walk around with those words printed on pieces of paper in their pockets as a constant reminder of their national values.

Adults may take their reality for granted too much to recognize the symbolism around them. But just like the example above with money, there are plenty of examples everywhere if one looks objectively. For example, to acknowledge a person’s life completing an additional revolution of the Earth around the sun, we light a piece of pastry on fire (birthday cake). To welcome a young person into adulthood, we strap cardboard to their head and have them parade themselves in front of the community holding the skin of a lamb (ok, in modern times, high school diplomas are more likely to be made of smashed tree pulp, i.e. paper, but the point is made).

So as grown-ups, we may need to look at children’s behavior to more readily recognize the human deference to symbolism. Why is it that if you cut two pieces of cake to give to a pair of children, one will melt down if her sister’s slice appears to be a fraction of a percentage bigger than hers? The amount of the difference may be negligible or even undetectable, so it’s not about a sweet tooth.

It's about symbolism. In the child’s mind, the one with the bigger slice is more valued, more loved. The smaller piece carries the connotation of inferiority. So the cake is not a cake. It’s a deep existential commentary by the adult on the worthiness of the child. When viewed in this light, a tantrum over the cake size might make a little more sense to parents. (An adult may have a similar experience if, say, their boss gave a giant raise to their coworker but not to them. No amount of logical explanation would negate the emotional message this sends.)

In my experience working with children over several decades, I’ve seen many examples of parents weaponizing symbolism as a form of mistreatment towards their children. It’s insidious because there are no bruises to show or hurtful words to quote verbatim. There’s a kind of plausible deniability for the parents who are committing these actions.

I’m not referring to pieces of cake being slightly disparate in size. Having worked with children who were removed from their homes due to neglect and abuse, I’m sure I could recall some horrific instances. But here I’d like to discuss a few more mundane examples that, while on the surface may seem to have some rational explanation, are, on further inspection, egregious examples I’ve come across of a type of emotional harm that I will call “symbolic abuse”.

"Someday" never comes...

Source: Leah Kelley/Pexels

Telling a Child To Get Out of Pictures

I know of a family in which one of the sons was not the biological child of the step-parent. When pictures were taken, this boy was asked to remove himself from the frame so only the step-parent's biological children were shown. If he happened to be included in one picture, another would be taken without him, and this would be the one displayed or put in an album.

One Child Does Not Have Their Own Space or Bed

I’ve seen cases in which all siblings have their own comfortable bedroom in a house, except for one child who may be forced to sleep on a floor mat or in the basement. One was even forced to put the mat and sheets away every morning he was there, so there would be no visible evidence of his existence. Even if such a child is part of a shared custody arrangement, there is no justification for this type of treatment. The harm of this type of exclusion is likely to affect the child well into adulthood.

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Not Including a Child on Vacations

I’ve seen families in which one child was routinely excluded from vacations. One family even left a child at home with a relative while the rest of them went to Disney World. They brought this child back a T-shirt as a souvenir, which is more of a passive-aggressive jab than a thoughtful gesture.

Not Including a Child in Family Meals

Imagine you sit down to eat a meal with your family. Everyone is eating from the same communal bowl. Except you are given your own separate plate and told you may not share with them. What message does this send? Unless there is some valid rationale, such as having a communicable disease or food allergy, it’s surely not one of warmth and validation.

Unequal Involvement in Children’s Activities

I’ve seen families in which a parent or parents were heavily involved in one child’s activities, such as sports, but who literally did not attend a single event in their other child’s life until high school graduation.

Unequal Support for Children’s Education

I know of a child with an excellent GPA and SAT score who was given only a token gesture of financial assistance after high school graduation, while the same family financially supported another child through post-graduate studies. The parent and step-parent sat this child down and told them that because they were a ”loser,” they were on their own in life. They did, however, say that because they are so generous, they would pay one-third of tuition to community college as long as the child lived away from them and with the other parent (who suffered from a disability due to mental health challenges). Obviously, a third of the tuition at community college is not much, and does not take into account living expenses, food, transportation, books, or computers and other school supplies. But like the Disney World t-shirt above, this negligible contribution provided license for these parents to claim they were still being considerate towards the child.

Like Cinderella, we can escape abuse.

Source: Edwin01 / Pixabay

Unequal Inheritance

I know of an adult child who, after many years of disparate treatment, stood up to an abusive parent and demanded to be treated equally to their siblings. The parent replied that the idea of this child’s equality with their other children was “repugnant." As parents, what is the meaning of our lives if not to contribute to and enhance the lives of our children? Outside of extreme cases, such as a child experiencing issues with drug abuse, crime, or diminished capacity in some form, disinheriting a child is often the coldest act of symbolic abuse.

As I write this, two very different stories come to mind, with one elucidating the experience of the abuser and the other of the abused: The first is Moby Dick and the other is Cinderella. In Moby Dick, Captain Ahab so hated the white whale that he destroyed his ship and crew in pursuing it. As he sank beneath the waves, he ranted, “To the last I grapple with thee...From hell’s heart I stab at thee…for hate’s sake I spit my last breath at thee.” There’s a similar emotional quality to the type of abusive parenting I’ve described here.

The character of Cinderella experiences symbolic abuse and the gaslighting that accompanies it. She’s told she should be grateful. But the slipper, the ball, and the prince are symbolic of discovering our self-worth. Some scars may not ever fully heal, but we can move past the abuses of our childhood and free ourselves from the power of our abusers.