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Key points
- Keeping a marriage together is difficult, which is one reason nearly 50% of marriages end in divorce.
- With all the competing demands in life, it is easy to stop paying attention to your spouse.
- By focusing on affection, gratitude, weekly date nights, and more, your marriage can grow into the rewarding relationship it was meant to be.
Have you lost that loving feeling with your mate? What began as a small sense of separation may have grown into a gaping chasm.
It’s normal for the red-hot sizzle of the early days of marriage to cool. The problem for many couples is their sense of excitement has not just been dialed down, it's been shut off.
And why not? Among the thousand things competing for your attention each day, it can be easy to see your spouse as just one more item on the list of things that must be navigated.
It’s not that you don’t care. You’ve just fallen into a relationship rut. Both of you have slowly settled into a routine that works well enough to keep you together but is far from satisfying.
Would you like to revitalize your marriage and begin to feel like your spouse is more than a roommate with whom you share a bed?
If your answer is yes, take heart and begin to do the simple things I describe below. These steps require little effort but make a world of difference.
In fact, research by John Gottman, the premiere marriage researcher in the world, has shown that this handful of small gestures, done regularly, result in happier, healthier and longer-lasting marriages.
1. Show Admiration and Appreciation for Your Spouse
Each day (without fail) express your appreciation for your spouse. It needn’t be for something grand. The little things are important as well, from making dinner and picking up the dry cleaning to spending time with the children.
Compliment them for something. The world outside the four walls of your home is often a pretty damn nasty place. When do compliments flow your way?
Same with your spouse. But you can be the antidote.
Compliment their patience, their hard work, creativity, generosity, etc.
Find something. You married them because you thought they were special, so it cannot be too difficult to find something to compliment.
This takes less than a couple minutes a day.
2. Affection
A hug, a kiss, a tender touch. Not only is this appreciated, but it is a reminder that your relationship is different from all others (I’m assuming you are not kissing your co-workers).
Doing that which sets your relationship apart from others is important and these physical signs of affection play an important role in doing just that.
You may think “I’m not in the mood to provide affection.” OK, so what?
If you are not in the mood to go to the gym does that stop you? If you are not in the mood to go to work does that stop you?
You get the idea. A gesture of affection is tonic to the weary soul. Don’t be stingy. Be generous with your daily gestures of affection.
3. Goodbyes
When you leave in the morning take a minute to comment on the specifics of your spouse’s day. “Hope your meeting with that new account goes well” or “Good luck with your test today. I’m sure you’ll knock it out of the park.”
Don’t forget to add a hug or kiss to seal the deal.
This conveys to your spouse that you care about him or her and are interested in the specifics of their life. Heady stuff.
4. Reunions
When coming home take a minute to ask your spouse about his or her day. Then stop long enough to listen to the answer.
If you ask about the day, then stare at your phone, it’s clear you don’t care.
Buck up. Give some undivided attention.
Then, having heard the answer, make a response. Something more than a grunt.
More like “That’s terrific, glad the meeting turned out well.”
If you really want to hit a grand slam have a follow up question. For example, “You were worried about what Bill would say, how did that turn out?”
This shows that you have a deeper understanding of the things that occupy your spouse’s work life.
5. Have a Weekly Date
Many couples with young children find this one difficult. It needn’t be. Even if you cannot get out of the house you can spend an hour or two alone after the kiddos are put to bed.
Let’s be clear. This does not mean watching Yellowstone together. That’s the adult equivalent of parallel play.
Instead, do something that requires you to interact with one another.
Making a meal together, discussing future plans, or enjoying a cup of coffee while catching up on the week are all possibilities. Be sure to include reminiscing about good memories of the times you’ve had together as that will build on a positive sense of your history together.
A shared history of facing life together, of building the future that brought you to this moment, enhances commitment and deepens intimacy.
Want to spice things up even further? Play a game requiring each of you to answer personal questions that require pulling back the curtain hiding your deeper longings and fears. This not only creates a stronger bond but deepens your understanding of one another.
Conclusion
That’s it. Altogether this will take somewhere between three and four hours a week. There are very few things in life where such a minimal investment in time and effort results in such big improvements in happiness (both for you, your spouse, and your children… happy marriages make for happy children).
So, take the plunge. Give it a try.
Start today and enjoy the rewards of a happier marriage.
