When Does Chatting Become Cheating?

In today’s always-connected world, where smartphones rarely leave our hands and social media is like a second home, romantic relationships face challenges unlike ever before. Social media platforms and dating apps make it easier than ever to connect with others (Abassi & Alghamdi, 2018) - including people other than our partners.

Thanks to the sense of anonymity that comes with online interactions, these connections can feel low-risk and exciting. Scholars refer to this as the online disinhibition effect (Suler, 2004), where the screen acts as a safety net, encouraging people to say and do things they might avoid in person.

It’s a dynamic that has opened the door to online infidelity - a modern twist on an age-old issue that puts trust to the test. But what exactly is online infidelity, and where do we draw the line between harmless scrolling and a betrayal of trust?

What does online infidelity look like?

Online infidelity isn’t one-size-fits-all. It spans a variety of behaviors, making it difficult to draw clear lines about what constitutes betrayal (Schokkenbroek, 2024). It shows up in a variety of ways, from emotional to sexual connections, each carrying its own impact on relationships. Here’s a closer look at the most common types:

1. Emotional connection

Emotional infidelity occurs when one partner forms a deep emotional bond with someone outside their relationship (Cravens & Whiting, 2016). This might include sharing personal thoughts or secrets that are typically reserved for their partner, building emotional intimacy through chats or private messages, or discussing personal issues, including relationship problems, with an online confidant (McDaniel et al., 2017; Luo et al., 2010).

This form of infidelity can be particularly painful for the betrayed partner because it involves a level of intimacy and emotional investment that may rival - or even surpass - the bond within the primary relationship (Guadagno & Sagarin, 2010). Even though there’s no physical element, the emotional distance created can be devastating.

2. Sexual interactions

Sexual infidelity online includes behaviors such as “sexting,” which is the sending and receiving of flirtatious or sexually suggestive messages, photos, or videos, or engaging in cybersex via video call or other digital formats, often accompanied by self-stimulation (e.g., Adam, 2019; Liu & Zheng, 2018). While no physical contact occurs, these behaviors can feel deeply violating to the betrayed partner. They blur the line between virtual and physical intimacy, making it difficult to dismiss them as “just online.”

3. Secrecy and neglect

This form of infidelity centers on hiding online interactions or prioritizing someone else over the primary relationship. Behaviors include deleting messages, chats, or call logs to cover up interactions, keeping an online contact a secret or avoiding mentioning them to one’s partner, or spending excessive time communicating with someone else online at the expense of quality time with one’s partner (Luo et al., 2010; Vossler & Moller, 2020). This secrecy can erode trust, while emotional neglect may lead to feelings of loneliness and resentment in the relationship.

4. Relationship concealment

This type of infidelity occurs when someone hides or misrepresents their committed relationship to pursue other connections online. Examples include listing their relationship status as “single” on social media, avoiding sharing posts or content that involves their partner, or actively creating profiles on dating apps or other platforms designed to meet new people (Adam, 2019; Henline et al., 2007; Vossler & Moller, 2020).

Even if these actions don’t lead to direct interactions, they may signal a willingness to engage in infidelity and can undermine the foundation of exclusivity and commitment.

5. Cross-modal infidelity

Cross-modal infidelity bridges the gap between the online and offline worlds. It might include planning to meet an online connection in person, engaging in physical intimacy with someone first met online, or rekindling a past romantic or sexual relationship via online platforms and taking it offline (Vossler & Moller, 2020).

Infidelity Essential Reads

The Unspoken Needs That Lead Some Men to Cheat

Restoring Intimacy After Infidelity

6. Secretive or transgressive pornography use

While opinions differ on whether pornography use counts as infidelity (Adam, 2019; Whitty, 2003), it can become a betrayal when it violates a couple’s agreed-upon boundaries. Problematic behaviors may include viewing pornography in secret, especially when it’s deliberately hidden from one’s partner, sharing explicit content (but not personal pictures or videos) with others online, or using pornography as a substitute for intimacy with one’s partner (Vossler & Moller, 2020).

For some couples, these actions may seem harmless, but for others, they may represent a significant breach of trust. The key lies in whether the behavior aligns with the couple’s expectations and boundaries.

Navigating the gray areas

At its heart, infidelity is about breaking trust or exclusivity in a committed relationship, and these breaches are just as likely to happen online (Docan-Morgan & Docan, 2007). But defining and recognizing online infidelity is far from straightforward - what feels like harmless fun for one person may be a serious betrayal for another (Falconer & Humphreys, 2019).

Adding to the confusion is the tendency to dismiss online interactions as “not real” because they lack physical contact. But the emotional and relational damage is very real - studies even suggest that emotional bonds formed online can be more damaging than physical infidelity that occurs face-to-face.

This gray area makes clear communication between partners essential. Couples need to openly discuss their boundaries for digital interactions and explore questions such as: Is it acceptable to flirt online, how transparent do they want and need to be about their online interactions, and what apps, platforms, or practices are off-limits? Having these conversations early can help avoid misunderstandings and ensure both partners are on the same page about what is and isn’t OK (Cravens & Whiting, 2016).

Online infidelity is a reality of modern romantic relationships. While it introduces new challenges, it also offers an opportunity for couples to revisit and redefine boundaries. By engaging in open communication, setting clear expectations, and prioritizing trust, couples can navigate this modern minefield together.