The Secret Science of Successful Relationships

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Ever noticed how some people can leave you drained? Spend an hour with them, and you’re exhausted? You might have encountered what are known as “energy vampires.” We’ve all experienced them.

What we often overlook is that other people can have the opposite effect—they can energize and uplift us. These individuals hold the key to highly successful relationships.

Let’s explore this further. Have you ever noticed how some people just seem to light up a room? They make you feel seen, heard, valued, and appreciated. You leave them with a full tank and pep in your step. How do they do it?

It turns out there may be some science behind their magic, known as positive relational energy. The best part? You can use it to transform every relationship in your life—whether it’s with your partner, friends, or colleagues.

What Is Positive Relational Energy?

Positive relational energy, a concept explored by Kim Cameron at the University of Michigan, refers to the ability some people have to uplift and energize those around them. Kim and his team investigated why some workgroups are extraordinarily productive while others are not. The difference, they found, lies in the presence of a “positive energizer” at the center of the highly productive group.

This isn’t just a workplace phenomenon; it applies to all types of relationships—romantic, familial, and friendships. Conversely, de-energizers, or "energy vampires," drain enthusiasm and motivation from others.

The Seven Keys to Cultivating Positive Energy

I interviewed Kim on the secret science of highly successful relationships for my new book Sovereign. Here are some key aspects of being a positive energizer.

1. Show genuine appreciation: Take a moment to truly notice and appreciate the people around you. Whether it’s a partner, friend, or coworker, acknowledging their unique qualities and contributions makes them feel valued and respected. Research shows that expressing gratitude towards your partner significantly improves the relationship as a whole.
2. Be supportive: Everyone goes through tough times. Showing kindness and support during these periods deepens your bond. Think about a time when someone was there for you during a rough patch—your loyalty to them probably runs deep, too.
3. Forgive and move on: We all make mistakes. Holding onto grudges weighs you down. By forgiving and letting go, you not only help the relationship but also feel better yourself. This doesn’t mean allowing yourself to be taken advantage of, but when it’s just a grudge, it’s better to let it go. It’s a gift to both yourself and the other person.
4. Celebrate the good stuff: It’s easy to focus on the negative, to complain, or to criticize. But this can bring everyone down. Instead, focus on the positives and celebrate successes, no matter how small. Whether it's a milestone at work or a fun moment with friends, highlighting what’s going well can elevate everyone’s spirits.
5. Find meaning in your actions: Remind yourself of the impact of your efforts. Understanding that your work or actions make a difference can be incredibly motivating and fulfilling.
6. Embrace core values: Respect, honesty, and kindness are foundational. When people know you uphold these values, they feel safe and appreciated in your presence.
7. Prioritize your well-being: This is arguably the most important step. Take care of yourself physically, mentally, and emotionally. It’s hard to give to others when you’re depleted. When you feel good about yourself, it’s easier to spread positivity to others. In that sense, self-care is not selfish—it’s an act of service. It results in you showing up as your best self.

Practical Steps to Implement Positive Energy

Here are a few small steps you can take daily to get started:

• Daily gratitude: Each day, give someone a heartfelt compliment or express your appreciation. It could be a friend, family member, or colleague. Write them a note with a small gift, give them a call, or send them a text. Your words will go a long way toward brightening their day—and you’ll feel better too.
• Active listening: In a time when it's rare to find someone truly paying attention, give people the gift of your full attention. Engage fully when someone is speaking. Show that you care by listening attentively and responding with empathy.
• Forgiveness practice: Write down any lingering grudges or negative feelings in a journal. Reflect on them, then try to let them go, focusing on moving forward with a positive mindset. Remind yourself of the lessons learned through challenging times. Best of all, by letting go, you are actually freeing yourself.

While cultivating positive relational energy can profoundly enhance your relationships, not every interaction will be perfect. Some people may not respond positively, and that’s OK. The key is to do your best. When dealing with challenging people, balance empathy with self-care.

Conclusion

Infusing your relationships with positive energy can make a significant difference in your personal and professional life. By focusing on appreciation, support, and genuine human connection, you create a more fulfilling and uplifting environment for yourself and those around you. What’s more, it’s a lot more fun.

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