How to Resist the Urge to Fix Everything

We've all been there: Someone we love makes a choice that is painfully, frustratingly not good for them. We feel the pressure building internally, that pull to jump in and fix.

However, succumbing to the fixing reflex usually backfires. While it may temporarily relieve our distressing feelings, it rarely results in lasting change for the other person. And if they do change, it's likely because we exerted a forcefulness that can strain the relationship.

Origins of the Fixing Reflex

Think of a situation where the desire to fix came on strong—maybe with your partner, close friend, or adult child. Now ask yourself this fundamental question: What was I afraid would happen if they didn't heed my advice?

Often there's a negative outcome (real or imagined) that we desperately want to help them avoid, which points toward a blend of two powerful, activating emotions—love and fear. If you saw a car bearing down on your loved one, would you not reflexively yell or leap into action to keep them safe? When understood as the natural product of love and fear, the siren call of the fixing reflex makes all the sense in the world.

Why Fixing Doesn't Work

When the urge to fix rears its head, the situation usually isn't as clear-cut as helping someone get out of the path of a speeding vehicle. Instead, it's likely a situation where the other person has mixed feelings about what they want. Or they may wish to take a positive step but lack confidence in their ability. Either way, they are probably experiencing ambivalence.

And beware: When we push an ambivalent person to change, we risk getting them to dig in their heels. People instinctively resist being overpowered; we push back out of a desire to hold fast to our autonomy.

The 3 A's: An Alternative to the Fixing Reflex

The first step in overcoming the fixing reflex is acknowledging that the other person is the only one who can decide what they will do. This is simple but not easy. "Simple" because it's a self-evident truth that we all have ownership over our choices (and their consequences). "Not easy" because in acknowledging others' autonomy, we come face-to-face with the limits of our ability to control.

Paradoxically, relinquishing efforts to control can make us more effective at positively influencing and guiding others. A viable alternative to the fixing reflex comes from a research-based communication approach called motivational interviewing, which we'll call the 3 A's:

Acknowledge Autonomy. Explicitly acknowledge that they are in the driver's seat of their own life.

• "While it's hard, I respect that you are the only one who can decide what you will do."
• "The choice is yours. I can share my thoughts and wishes for you, but ultimately, you get to decide what is right for you."

Ask Open Questions: Ask open-ended questions to help the other person explore and verbalize their thoughts and ideas about how they want to proceed and how they might go about it.

• "How are you feeling about the decision you're facing?"
• "What options are you considering?"
• "What ideas have you had about how to handle this?"

Ask for Permission: If sharing your perspective or ideas feels important, please do so. But ask the other person's permission before diving in. By doing this, you acknowledge their autonomy and position yourself as a partner, not an aspiring dictator, in their life. And while the other person will often grant their permission, if they don't, it's important to respect that.

• "Would it be OK if I share a couple of thoughts?"
• "I have some ideas that may be of interest. Would it be helpful to hear them?"
• "Can I share my understanding about ___?"

In Conclusion

Acknowledging others' autonomy and easing our grip on the urge to fix can transform our relationships and make us more genuinely helpful. Instead of attempting to fix, try applying the 3 A's: Acknowledge the person's autonomy; ask open-ended questions to help them explore their thoughts and feelings; and ask for permission before sharing your own perspectives and ideas.

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