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Key points
- Our identity is fluid and open to change.
- Universal, cultural, family of origin, and personal life events influence your answer to 'Who am I?'
- Modifying your identity to one that is more rewarding takes courage.
The question, ‘Who am I?’ is an integral part of the human journey. Whether we consciously explore this question or not, it is always with us as we navigate our life.
The answer to the question, ‘Who am I?’ is not an identity that we are given at birth. Who we are is informed by our life experiences and our responses to those experiences.
Our identity may seem static, set, and given. In truth, it is fluid and open to change. When we consciously explore the question, ‘Who am I?’ it allows us to discover our present identity.
The response to the question, ‘Who am I?’ will be unique for each of us. For example, one person believes the world is dangerous. An important aspect of their identity is being suspicious and guarded. Another person believes the world is supportive. An important aspect of their identity is being trusting and open. These are two different responses to the question, ‘Who am I?’
Four Influences
There are four influences that inform our personal identities. The influences are universal, cultural, family of origin, and personal life experiences.
The first influence is universal. We all experience it. The reality of being human is that we are born, live a certain number of years, then we die. No one can escape this. How each of us responds to this reality becomes part of our answer to, ‘Who am I?’ One person may respond by thinking, ‘I will make the most of each moment. I will relish my life.’ Another person may respond by thinking, ‘It is all going to end, anyway, so why bother? I will just go through the motions of life.’
The second influence is cultural. These are the influences of a specific culture that impacts everyone in that culture on some level. Two prevalent messages in the culture of the U.S., are, ‘you are not enough’ and ‘you are not lovable’. How one responds to these two messages informs their identity.
The third influence is family of origin. This includes our parents, primary caregivers, siblings, friends, and mentors. For example, do you live in a supportive environment, or do you have to navigate life on your own? Which of these two you experience influences how you answer the question, ‘Who am I?’
The fourth influence is personal life events: What types of experiences have you had in your life? For example, have you been involved in a car accident? How does that inform your identity? Do you view yourself as a victim? Or do you view yourself as resilient? For example, have you won the lottery? Are you grateful and excited to share your winnings with your loved ones? Or are you feeling burdened and stressed with how to deal with the money?
For all of us, there are aspects of our identity that serve us well and we would not modify them. For all of us, there are aspects of our identity that may have served us at some point but no longer serve us. It is important to discriminate between these two aspects of our identity.
Your current identity provides you with safety because at least you know who you are. The identity you know can feel safer than risking a new identity, which can be rife with uncertainty. It takes courage to risk modifying aspects of who you are that no longer serve you.
Modifying Your Identity
Modifying your identity is not an easy task. For this change to happen in a deep way, it must be more than just an insight. It needs to be an emotional and bodily felt experience. This process is challenging. It is often a struggle between not wanting to change your present identity because it is what you know and wanting to move into a new identity that is more freeing and expansive.
Modifying our identity isn’t an all-or-nothing proposition. You can embrace the new identity, then lose sight of it and move back to your past identity. However, with your awareness that this is happening, you can then return to embracing your new identity.
In my own life, one of my original answers to the question, ‘Who am I?’ was, ‘I am a person who achieves things’. I based my sense of self-worth on my next achievement. While this identity kept me safe, it simultaneously inhibited my experience of a more rewarding, fulfilling life because I was too often anxious or depressed if I wasn’t achieving.
In my own therapy, as I explored, ‘Who am I?’, I became aware of the price I was paying for being so wedded to the identity of being only as good as my next achievement. I realized whether I have achieved something new or not, I am someone who has value beyond my achievements. In modifying my identity, I feel a sense of satisfaction more than a sense of anxiety and depression.
If you feel parts of your identity no longer serve you, I suggest you explore what you experience as your present identity. Be aware of aspects of your identity that enhance your life as well as aspects of your identity that inhibit your life. Be aware of how you respond to universal influences, cultural influences, family of origin influences, and life experiences. Explore how the four influences, and your response to them, have informed your answer to, ‘Who am I?’
Ask yourself what aspects of your identity serve you and what aspects no longer serve you. Be kind and compassionate towards yourself as you ask these questions. Remember that all aspects of your identity have kept you safe in some way. This process of modifying the identity that no longer serves you and moving into a new, more rewarding identity takes time and repetition. It takes an openness to new understandings and discoveries. Journaling your awarenesses, meditating on them, and talking to friends and family about them can be an integral part of the process. You also can seek out a therapist to help guide you in this. Working with a therapist was an important part of my process of modifying my identity to one that serves me better.
I commend you for your courage and wish you the best as you examine the question, ‘Who am I?’
