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Anger

Are You Tired of Resentment?

It won’t go away on its own, though it may come out in different ways.

Key points

  • Resentment is degenerative; on autopilot, it leads inevitably to contempt.
  • The obsessional quality of resentment keeps past offenses ever present.
  • Resentment functions like ice on a wound; it numbs pain but prevents healing.
  • As long as the hurt remains unhealed, the chains of resentment grow ever tighter.

There are almost always good reasons for resentment, and almost always better reasons to free ourselves from its long, thick chains.

No matter how valid the reasons for it may be, resentment is degenerative; on autopilot, it leads inevitably to contempt, if not disgust. It makes us hyper-vigilant for possible offenses and all but blinds us to ameliorating circumstances. It’s highly contagious; whomever we resent is bound to resent us in return. It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy by stimulating the negative responses we expect and dread.

Once resentment becomes part of our autopilot defense system, it takes determined effort to break its hold. That’s due in part to its obsessional quality—we think about perceived offenses and unfair treatment over and over. The obsessional aspect keeps past offenses ever present; it seems as if they happened not once or twice but a thousand times.

Whether we intend it or not, resentment is inherently devaluing. It makes us hypersensitive to other people’s unfairness while impairing our ability to perceive our own unfairness. While feeling resentful, negotiating about differences is doomed to failure.

Discover and Heal the Hurt

Resentment typically covers up hurt. As long as the hurt remains unhealed, the chains of resentment grow ever tighter. Resentment lasts so long because it functions like ice on a wound: It anesthetizes pain but prevents healing.

Until the chains of resentment are broken, autopilot thoughts must be monitored and regulated. It helps to divide our thinking into three categories: worsening, numbing, healing.

Worsening

  • Ruminating on all possible reasons for the resented offense
  • Speculating about the offender’s state of mind
  • Justifying the resentment—to oneself and to others
  • Fantasizing about retribution
  • Demanding compensation
  • Focusing on things we cannot control or influence.

A hapless way to avoid worsening thoughts is through attempts to numb the resentment, through distractions, workaholism, alcohol, or drugs.

Fortunately, we can train our brains to evoke healing thoughts, through self-compassion, compassion for others, and acting on the natural motivations of hurt and vulnerability to improve, appreciate, connect, or protect.

When we catch ourselves in worsening strains of thoughts or attempting to numb resentful ideation, we must try to engage thoughts that heal.

Self-Compassion

Self-compassion is sympathy for our hurt. It differs from self-pity in that it carries motivations to heal, correct, and improve.

To use self-compassion to heal hidden hurt, we must identify the hurt or vulnerability beneath the resentment. Here’s the formula:

“I feel resentment. What might I also feel guilty about, ashamed of, afraid of, or sad about?”

If guilt lurks beneath resentment, I’ve violated some value. To heal the guilt, I must reaffirm the violated value and perform compensatory acts—at the very least, an apology.

Shame indicates perceived failure or severed connection from a loved one. To heal it, I must redouble efforts to succeed and reconnect to loved ones.

Fear commonly augurs a threat of harm. I must make myself and my loved ones safe.

Sadness indicates the loss of a valued person or object. I must fill the void by valuing other people with compassion and kindness, or by valuing animals, objects, or experiences.

Example

I resent my wife for inviting her adult nephew to move in with us. I’m obsessing about how unfair it is. He’s irresponsible and untrustworthy. She took it for granted that I would be okay with this disruption of our household.

What might I also feel guilty about?

Part of me thinks we should help her nephew.

What am I also ashamed of?

I’m being selfish and not compassionate about her sense of obligation to her nephew.

What am I also afraid of?

Losing my wife.

What do I also feel sad about?

Loss of privacy.

I want to improve my experience by taking my wife’s perspective and realizing how important this is to her. Perspective-taking requires effort because resentment impairs our ability to see other perspectives.

I appreciate her many contributions to my life.

I like myself better when I’m connected to her.

I want to protect her from the pain of abandoning her family.

I think I can come up with ways to protect my privacy with her nephew in the house.

My resentment is greatly reduced as we negotiate about the length of her nephew’s stay.

With resentment regulated, we are free to negotiate differences and arrive at solutions that everyone feels okay about, with no one feeling put upon or taken advantage of.

Negotiation works only when the parties want to rid themselves of resentment. Ultimately, it’s a matter of how much we value our well-being, which resentment sorely undermines.

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