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Relationships

Love in the Time of a Crisis

What does the right mindset have to do with the perfect kiss?

It was inevitable: the pandemic brought out either the best or the worst in us, sometimes alternating in one person several times in a day. Humans. We can destroy at a greater capacity than any other species, but when our mind is set up for it, no other creature can love more and rise above selfish impulses.

The right mindset allows us to love even under stressful circumstances, such as a pandemic, and guides us to express this love concretely and with flexibility. When our personal philosophy is built on the quicksand of favorable conditions, it will give way quickly to klutzy heuristics that, in turn, activate our amygdala (an almond-shape set of neurons in the limbic system of our brain). An angry amygdala makes us want to attack or try to flee.

With a benign philosophy of the world, it is easier to keep perspective, identify learning opportunities in a challenge and hear a call to love in a time of turmoil. It is never too late to confront a dark philosophy. We can shape our mind at any stage and at any moment.

Now that life has slowed down, it is the perfect time to become introspective and examine what we truly believe about our life on this Earth amidst the universe.

When we expect the worst, or have other dark thoughts about life, we behave accordingly. It is good to find out what we really think about life and question our existing philosophy.

Is the world a safe and secure place, full of opportunities to learn from failures and mishaps? Do we believe that we can handle difficulty and are capable of turning things around? What prevents us from being in awe of life and seeing the beauty of a flower or a star in the night sky? What makes it difficult to be grateful for our existence that strings us back to the Big Bang billions of years ago? The poet Rumi advised us to live life as if everything were rigged in our favor. Do we?

Everybody must find his or her own answers to such questions. As a Zen psychologist, I count on the energy of active and conscious questioning. Being stirred up is a good thing, especially when we also take time to “sit and stare,” that is to become calm with our experiences. Right NOW is a good time to pause and direct our attention to what is right and beautiful in our lives.

The attitude that is most helpful goes beyond gratitude – even though gratitude is a wonderful beginning. It’s a seeing of our interconnectedness in life; a calm sensing of our tumultuous relationship with the whole; a recognition of partaking in this universe that we can love.

When we plunge into loving the universe, we do not exclude the dark hours, but we do not latch onto them either, as if they were life itself. Hardship is part of our lives. It is up to our mindset to respond with either despair or somber acceptance, either frantically or confidently, either with fear or lovingkindness.

When we love the whole of life, we are much more likely to be there for others during this crisis. Instead of circling around ourselves, we can reach out to others and see what they need.

The time of COVID-19 is a perfect time to check whether we can see “the other.” As we care about others, we care also about ourselves; everybody is strung together in this large boat in which we find ourselves. Nobody is alone in this crisis. But when we neglect to see others, they might just feel as if they were.

If there were ever a time to check on our elderly neighbor, this is it. We take no risk by reaching out to friends who have preexisting conditions. It’s time to put our mask and gloves on (my kitchen rubber gloves look quite amusing to onlookers), put a card between us and a rebel who wants to disregard the six-foot-distance rule, and get groceries for those who really should not go shopping at all. Call and ask people what they need. Nobody should be left alone as loneliness is a killer (see blog 10 Tips that Can Help You Get Past Loneliness).

There are wonderful things we can do for our loved ones: we can take the time and be with them with conscious awareness. Let us listen with a wide-open heart when a friend or relative is in distress or when our teenager wants to share a teenager story.

As our mind is empty of worry, a mundane moment with our partner can become important. Blessing someone with our undivided attention can be earth-shatteringly momentous.

Let me end this article with a quote from the novel Stranger in a Strange Land by Robert A. Heinlein. Mike, a man brought from Mars to Earth, had kissed a woman, who was entirely overwhelmed by it. Apparently, she was not accustomed to the fierceness of attention granted to her. When asked what was so special about the kiss, she answered that he was not concerned about his kissing technique, his job, money, or others' judgement,

“when Mike kisses you he isn’t doing anything else. Not anything. You are his whole universe for that moment . . . and the moment is eternal because he doesn’t have any plans and isn’t going anywhere. Just kissing you.”

Kiss your partner and mean it like a Martian would. Let yourself notice the “other” and give everything to your shared moment.

Listen to “others,” call and shower them with your attention. As you spread your happiness, you will open your own heart even wider. Shared happiness doubles.

An open heart can see the light amidst the darkness, which is exactly what I wish for you always, but more than ever in the time of COVID-19.

© 2020 Andrea F. Polard, PsyD. All Rights Reserved.

References

Robert A. Heinlein (1991). Stranger in a Strange Land. For the first time the original uncut. (New York: Putnam Book), page 228.

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