Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?

An alarming new problem is striking Americans under 40: Sudden
WealthSyndrome. San Francisco psychologists Mark Goldbart and Joan
DiFuria recently identified this neurosis after treating patients who
suddenly found themselves millionaires or, even worse, billionaires. Like
The Beverly Hillbillies, King Midas and lottery winners, these melancholy
magnates have a hard time adjusting to their newfound wealth, exhibiting
moodiness, depression and feelings of social inadequacy.

We've decided to make Sudden Wealth Syndrome our worthy cause du
jour. We've vowed to help these unfortunate million- and billionaires
lose their confusion, pain and gelt... er, guilt, despite their
oppressively large bank accounts. In this light, we proudly
announce:

The Shrinkwrap Affluence Adjustment Rehabilitation Center

Nestled in an idyllic hillside overlooking beautiful Lake Wampum,
our sprawling, 73-acre estate boasts a four-star restaurant/hotel, a
world-class video arcade and, most importantly, our award-winning
Wealthness Coaches Registered Trademark to comfort and inspire you. Our
three-month intensive program will cover many psychological aspects of
newfound wealth including:

Bereavement Counseling

An early sign of Sudden Wealth Syndrome is an unhealthy attachment
to aspects of your premillionaire lives. We'll help you gain closure by
staging a mock funeral in which you'll lovingly bury representative
objects such as packages of Ramen Noodles, the license plate from your
Chevette, and that three-gallon jug of Price Club shampoo.

Guilt and Self-esteem Issues

The newly wealthy often ask, "Why me? What did I do to deserve
earning more in a few weeks than 500 hardworking coal miners make in
their entire lives?" Our guilt counselors will teach you how to stop
asking this question and focus instead on the incredible sound coming out
of your new $12,000 speakers.

We also encourage philanthropy, which relieves guilt and gets your
name on a building. We suggest The Shrinkwrap Affluence Adjustment Camp
Scholarship Fund, which gives underprivileged children the opportunity to
experience what it's like to feel miserable about being rich--and you get
a handsome tax deduction.

Relationship Issues

You've probably noticed how much smarter, sexier and more fun
you've become since cashing in those stock options. How do you know
whether people like you for yourself or for your money? You can't. That's
why you'll have to start hanging around other rich people.

Our "Wealth as a Second Language" course will teach you how to:
complain about the lack of decent service; discern the subtle yet
important differences between the Mercedes 928 and the 928i; and buy your
unborn children spots in the preschool that sends the most kids to
Harvard.

Regression Therapy

Some guests believe they were happier before acquiring their
wealth. That's why you'll spend time in our Middle-Class Fantasy Camp,
where you'll experience the malaise of marginal living. After a week of
working, preparing family meals and doing mindless chores, you'll soon
realize the extent of your former misery and fully embrace life on Easy
Street.

Group Therapy In The Bill Gates Nerd Memorial Lounge

You'll experience catharsis by recalling the kids who made fun of
you when you chose computers over kickball or Barbie. (Bet they're sorry
now!) You'll muse about how private jets and posh resorts really do make
you a better human being. You'll then be chauffeured out of our majestic
gates with a stronger ego and a renewed faith that money really can buy
happiness.

Shrink Wrap wants to hear from you. Please send jokes, cartoons and
your funny stories about psychologists or about being a psychologist to
PT's Web site, psychtoday@aol.com.

ILLUSTRATION (COLOR)

Adapted by Ph.D.

Steven R. Pritzker, Ph.D., is PT's humor editor. Greenberg is a
stand-up comic and author of The Pop-up Book of Phobias.