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Self-Control
The Importance of Healthy Self-Control and Sobriety
Enjoy healthy self-control, a centered enjoyment of life, and inner freedom.
Posted September 12, 2022 Reviewed by Gary Drevitch
Key points
- Sobriety is the opposite of craving.
- Bring self-control or sobriety to righteousness, contentiousness, overworking, or controlling others.
- Set yourself up to succeed. Do what you can to care for your deeper needs, so you feel less driven to distract yourself or get high.
By "sobriety," I mean healthy self-control, a centered enjoyment of life, and inner freedom from drivenness. We typically apply this sense of balance and self-care to things like food, drugs and alcohol, sexuality, money, and risky behaviors. But you could bring sobriety to other things as well, such as righteousness, contentiousness, over-working, or controlling others.
At the bottom, sobriety is the opposite of craving, broadly defined: You're not going to war with what's unpleasant, chasing after what's pleasant, or clinging to what's heartfelt.
Personally, I think of sobriety in terms of the big picture and in the context of a life well-lived. Pigging out over a luscious meal with friends once a month is one thing, but overeating daily is another. The bottom line: If you can't do something within appropriate bounds, you can't do it at all. Most of us — me included — know where we tend to go too far and need to establish a more wholesome balance. And obviously, any behavior that harms others should go to zero.
You might think of sobriety as a kind of loss, but it's actually fueled by a sense of gain. Sure, there's a place for using your will. But studies show that willpower gets depleted fairly quickly in most people. Instead of willing yourself to avoid the bad, enjoying the good — the benefits of your sobriety — will naturally draw you in a higher direction.
The Practice.
Set yourself up to succeed. Do what you can to take care of your deeper needs, so you feel less driven to distract yourself, numb out, or get high. Reduce temptations: If you're trying to stop drinking, don't have alcohol in your home. Get support, from an honest conversation with your partner to a 12-step program (or secular alternatives) and/or counseling. Don't underestimate the power of craving: If you've tried to change in the past and have not succeeded, recognize that you'll need to increase your inner and outer resources for sobriety to have a different result this time around.
As they say in Tibet: If you take care of the minutes, the years will take care of themselves. Take it a minute at a time, a day at a time. When you have a chance to enjoy your sobriety, really help the experience sink in, which will gradually incline your mind and brain toward the high road instead of the low one. Sober traits are grown in your brain by actually installing sober states. If you don't register your positive states — if you don't take the dozen seconds or so to help them sink in — they make little or no difference to your brain: There's no learning, no improvement in neural structure or function, and thus no lasting benefit. (For more, see Hardwiring Happiness.)
So, to support and maintain your sobriety, enjoy and really take in its benefits. At the start of a day, an evening, or even a minute, commit to and enjoy the anticipated positive results of sobriety. While you are sober in some way, enjoy the results. After being sober, look back, and take in the sense of its benefits.
Enjoy the bliss of blamelessness — the feeling that there is nothing to be ashamed of, that you are taking an honorable path. The knowledge that you are putting distance every day between yourself and problematic past behaviors. Enjoy the sense of worth, of self-respect.
Enjoy the pleasures of a clear mind and a healthy body. Be glad about not putting toxins — the source of the word intoxication — into your body and mind. Feel good about the gift you are giving your future self.
Enjoy the results in your relationships. Enjoy not feeling embarrassed the day after a hangover or tired because you stayed up too late. Savor the respect of others. Be glad you avoided needless quarrels. Feel good about not harming others. Be glad you've cleared the field, so you can focus on getting your wants met in the relationship.
Enjoy learning how to manage stress and have fun in more wholesome, psychologically mature ways.
Enjoy the freedom of not being compelled to drink, etc., and the pleasure in feeling in charge of your own actions, mind, and life.
Enjoy the opportunity to learn about the desire by not fulfilling it. Be more realistic about the actual rewards of indulging desires; enjoy waking up from the spells cast — "Drink this! Smoke that! Eat these!" — by compulsive hunger. Enjoy how sobriety supports your practices in the upper reaches of human potential, including spiritual life.
Most deeply, enjoy relating to the world and to your life, and not being gripped at the throat by desire. Enjoy the inner peace that comes from not being compelled to do things that may feel good at the moment but have big lingering costs for you and others.
