Can Facebook Facilitate Relationship Reconciliation?

Source: Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay

Many ex-partners, especially those who are recently separated, use Facebook to passively monitor the activity of their ex-paramours. As a career sex crimes prosecutor, I am aware that harassing or threatening behavior on social media is inappropriate and often criminal. And for many new singles, the best way to overcome a breakup is by moving on, not looking back. But for some recently separated partners, especially those in on-again off-again relationships, interest in continued contact with an ex is not motivated by resentment or revenge, but to explore future reconciliation.

On Social Media, Motivation Matters

Facebook provides a forum for engagement as well as observation. Celebrating the milestones and accomplishments of others and showcasing your own. But there is another category of Facebook users: monitors. Recently single ex-partners using Facebook to “keep up with” ex-flames fall into two categories: passive monitors, and active engagers. Passive monitors simply observe how their ex-partner is spending their time as a single, without interacting. Active engagers behave as if they and their ex were still together. They may “like” or “share” the ex-partner’s posts, which may also be testing the waters regarding the ex-partner’s reaction to their continuing attention.

But because time spent on Facebook following an ex-partner’s activity could be spent elsewhere on positive pursuits, are there instances where online observation or engagement prompt reconciliation? Research provides some interesting insights.

Facebook Focus on Ex-Flames

Michael G. Blight et al. (2019) explored the use of Facebook in facilitating ongoing contact within on-again off-again relationships.[i] They begin by recognizing the role of uncertainty as a central element of intermittent relationships where partners break up then get back together. They investigated behaviors that reduced uncertainty in general, and specifically on Facebook. Studying a college population of 220 individuals, they found relational uncertainty to be elevated for participants in an “off” relational stage as well as those with a higher number of breakups. The most common Facebook behaviors were passive, such as viewing the activity on a partner’s profile page, while behavior outside of Facebook was proactive, such as asking a mutual friend about the partner.

Blight et al. note that partners involved in romantic breakups and renewals (versus permanent dissolutions) create ambiguity regarding potential future relational status, creating the possibility of renewals. They give the example of the partner who says, "Let's take some time" as being a more common statement in on-off relationships than ones that are noncyclical. As a practical matter, a partner hearing such a statement is left in limbo, compared to someone whose partner tells them “It’s over.”

Renewal Motivation

Blight et al. also investigated reasons for relationship renewals, including factors consistent with previous research such as comfort, missing a partner, loneliness, and continuing feelings. Two themes unique to their study impacting relational renewal were continued contact and jealousy—both also cited as reasons for couples breaking up and getting back together, suggesting both factors can vary depending on the relationship.

Blight et al. also point out that renewing a romantic relationship does not solve preexisting problems, which may continue to fuel relational uncertainty.

How Facebook Posting Prompts Relational Future Plans

In their study, Blight et al. found the most commonly reported uncertainty-reducing behavior on Facebook was "creeping," described as viewing a partner’s Facebook page without their knowledge. Despite the negative connotation of the term, they acknowledge the practical value of passive viewing behavior for someone who is evaluating the prospect of pursuing relationship renewal. An ex-partner who is posting photos of parties and potential new paramours does not predict romantic reconciliation.

In the long run, most partners are happier, more secure, and emotionally grounded in relationships that are noncyclical. The goal is to celebrate anniversaries of un-broken time, signifying relational stability and permanence. Refraining from Facebook “checkups” of old flames facilitates moving forward not looking back and frees up time to invest in a new relationship of trust and certainty.